Mood:  blue

to tell you the truth . i am always somewhat perplexed by these sorts of days . cold but only if you consider any form of central heating .. grey yes and bright perhaps that is it .. a grey day in late March .. i guess that it is this grey oppressive weather .. i feel that oddity of confused emotions .. and yes weather of any kind can be worrying .. used as i am to the indoors .. yes are days of sun and even brighter weather where friends come together and you recal loving and pleasant company .. and yet on the whole .. most weather in itself is awful .. if you are alone ..

i sit here  now feeling better for being able to describe this to you to myself .. my frame of mind my state of conciousness .. well one thing is for sure . Jane was there at the dance and i did not go .. i did not think .. and now what .. well Monday is all but gone .. and i have so much to do .. 

i woke early and was up quickly .. practicing my tai chi by  07.10AM great and yet somehow i mislaid the keys to work and fussed for  most of the day .. only discovering them after lunch .. i would like to say that the day was not quite ruined however my peace of mind was certainly aggitated somewhat .. anyhow here is the rest of the day recounted .. 

07.00AM woke ..

07.10AM tai chi .. till past 08.10AM ..

no keys panic .. everybody .. arrived at work by 08.45AM

and took things easy .. till 10.00AM and yoga .. this went well .. i don't know comfortable talked with Sylvia about her daughter nos 2 .. not Rachel but another who lives in Ivybridge of all places . i listened .. breast cancer .. that makes 2 now . Sylvia is upset .. and the rest well everyone seemed ok.. nice to see Fran and Jo .. talked with Jo afterwards .. about the dance on Saturday .. went well .. Jane was there . and now i wish that i had gone .. too 

i returned home and did some more searching .. nothing .. returned to peace of mind .. where i spent the time helping out moving shifting etc .. Jo was feeling out of sorts and i hope that my words helped her . in any way .. nice to be of service .. making coffee .. making tea .. well .. we sorted the office furniture  and we sorted the boxes .. no more cardboard clutter .. nice to meet Chris and i did finally manage some cognitive therapy .. exercises .. funny though .. i recalled that i had left the oven on .. potato cooked .. and ran home .. felt good though .. running felt easy .. natural even .. and i made it home for a smal lunch .. cooked to perfection .. although perfection ranks high on my problem area .. that and a few other things .. anyhow . after .. a discovery .. the keys .. and so i returned to peace of mind and  well picked up afew things and went swimming .. for a while .. yes it was nice to see .. Luke and Simon .. i wondered what stephany would look like nude .. yes quite wonderful .. and after 35 mins of swimming plus sauna i had had enough of the pool .. a stroke of luck .. Sarah . .. !!! and child .. and i made it my business to make a fuss over the tiny tots mum Sarah has the most beautiful eyes .. green perhaps .. and yet hazel . but not enough to be . fascinating .. how the light plays on them .. quite stunning .. and yes .. they had returned from Ealing .. Broadway.. well always a pleasure to see a friend .. and yes i mentioned the  article i had read in the Guardian well .. i hope that have heaped enough praise on the girl .. infront of her baby .. very important that .. reading Mars and Venus .. men and woman etc ..  and of course Sarah mentioned the swimming .. and knew that i also practiced tia chi and so i guess or imagine that i am an open book now .. Sarah was very kind saying that physical exercise is important .. and i found myself after a pause . agreeing .. funny how i had perhaps felt that i was doing too much in that sphere .. spoilt .. and yet always a good thing to have people support you in what you are trying to achieve ..

home and bass guitar till 05.30PM went well . read some more . nearly fiinished .. Excession  ... i did do some javascrpt study and yes i wonder at the usefulness of the exercise .. doubting again my ability . surely the RAF would have picked up on this a long time ago .. photos well i never .. seems too easy .. and yet everyone has one .. an art form that is so popular .. too popular  

and yes what now ..

tea . time and thanks

good luck good fortune .. waking up .. good overal health .. both mental and physical .. strong spirits .. work and being paid to good food breakfast lunch and dinner to work mates and to yoga  exercise and saunas to toys and email to sense and limb to the internet to learning and books to teachers Rose Andrew and everyone who is aiding me now in my recovery to therapy of sorts to a roof over my head to rent paid to good landlords to good neighours to being single sober and a non smoker to books to gardens to laughter tears and music to comedy to family to friends to shopping to sleep 

Posted by ecomill at 6:45 PM BST

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great day today woke late everything went by so quickly and i had a great time .. the sunshine helped and the company was wonderful . nice to walk with Chris and to see Janet .. lovely to have a swim and to see my german friend . Catherine .. Kate? ands  to see Alan .. i guess that today has been over too quickly .. my health has stoood up to the weekend and somehow the weather has been kind ..

yes i woke late yes i played my guitar and read my novel .. yes i studied some.. javascript no less .. and yes i wrote in my blog .. breakfast and lunch followed each other in quick succession and we enjoyed the park and the river .. 

now of course i feel more confident having had a few reasonable days .. well we shall see .

the evening is rather beautiful and the blue sky blends with the purple clouds .. no wind and a feeling of spring in the loins .. i wonder if every german lass is so demanding .. as if i have to be on duty all the time .. strange feeling i get . as if these creatures are used to giving the orders .. yes sir .. yes miss ..

anyhow the days are longer now .. and yes it is near on 08.00PM  however and needs must ..

thanks to good luck good fotune to good neighbours good landlords to great overal health to friends and to toys to weather that is kind to good food to exercise to senses and to limbs to being sober single and a non smoker to hobbies to work and to learning to books to teachers to saunas to Andrew Rose to all those who help me through these times to travel to phones to comedy laughter and to tears to music to the internet to email to games to a roof over my head to help with living to rent paid to sleep to meditation to being paid to art to great spirits to family to teeth to hair and to the weekend . and peace of mind to people like Rose to fellow yogis to tai chi and the tao . more poems to gardens to showers and to the safe keeping oggof us all 

Posted by ecomill at 8:00 PM BST

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Mood:  hungry

i woke and started to consider the day and what it might bring .. what part i might play .. within it's 24 hrs .. i decided upon applying a social slant upon things .. and started my tai chi an hour or so of easy movements . and so once dressed cleansed and otherwise ready i made off towards the peace of mind building arriving around  09.35AM .. the morning went well we walked and chatted .. i concentrated upon the package .. and had what could be thought of as a nice time

i arrived back home at 01.00PM and went for a sauna  till 02.00PM and somehow was ready for work for around 03.00PM where i stayed till past 04.00PM chatting with Mark of all people .. so far so good .. a chip supper at around 05.30PM and a good read till now well what more could i want !

and now thanks .. to waking up good luck good fortune and great overall health .. good spirits and toys lots of toys and maybe a rest from the routine .. friends and good food ..safe keeping and a roof over my head to the internet and to email to books and teachers Andrew Rose to the weekend to work and to  being paid to gardens to exercise and yoga to saunas to travel to education to hobbies to sleep and rest to good neighbours and to good landlords.. laughter and tears to comedy and to musc . to senses and to limbs to shops to help with living and rent paid too

and now that is it .. venturing out to buy milk .. still raining hard at times .. even in the sunshine .. not so bad today .. plenty of rest though much needed  

will contact Anthony and Mum tonght .. clocks spring forward so although it means little to me .. happy summer time ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:57 PM BST

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Mood:  special

i guess that today has been fun if not a triffle unpredictalbe .. no knitting .. Bob returned to his old self .. my health being reasonable to good .. nice to see Heather .. fun and settled at work ..  and i guess my training going well my practice going well .. good things fall into place at times .. communications with freinds are going well .. family happy .. and the evening promises to be mild ..

I woke early and lay in till past 07.20AM got up and did a little tai chi till 08.20AM .. yes i arrived at work by 08.45AM feeling somewhat mortified .. as i had guessed Rose had taken it upon herself to help out in the kitchen dept and so later i took it upon myself to thank her eforts as well as Jems'' ah well no skin off my nose . better to bend to a woman's way than to break upon ones own wheel .. anyhow the morning went ok .. finished and feeling in need of a meditative moment . i was left t my own devices till past 11.10AM and having rested . in a state of semi consciousness i joined the group and i read and played my part.it . and yes once i settled down to accepting my reward and stopped being so high and mighty i actualy eseet njoyed myself .. i believe that it is very easy to see peace of mind as a flawed entity but once i settled into my seat and began to take part to express myself well it all fell into place .. yes at times i felt overwhelmed by circumstance but soon calmed down and stopped being so anally retentive . God people like Carol and Andrew are harmless and it is up to me to see that fact and not be so shocked all the time .. that is the nature of dealing with poverty .. it sometimes offends but never harms knowingly . inner nature like the scorpian .. who catches a lift on the back of the buffallo .. stinging is in its makeup .

anyhow i stay on at mind till lunchtime on a friday as a rule .. largely to test my powers of patience ..and sometimes God forbid to enjoy myself .. nice to see Cristal who has been christened .. and is pleased as punch . i noted that Rose was quieter on the subject than i would have expected .. and yet well warm regards .. Bob was present and again i was so pleased to see him .. my best mate pal all better . now .. no knitting and yet .. well that is a lesson i learned on Tuesday .. no expectaions ..nice to see Ines. and so off i went fofr lunch .. 

i finished lunch and was ready to swim by 02.00 PM ish .. itcould have been earlier ..anyhow i was pleased to see Heather and by the course of the afternoon had asked her out to go walking on the canal ... well we shall see .. nice though to see her in better shape .. 

and so to afterwards and bass guitar practice .. till past 05.20PM great .. kicked up a bit of hell .. and after had a nice tea .. potato and houmous .. rounding down with a read .. of the novel Excession brilliant .. sci fi .. 

 and now yawn i am going on ..

thanks to waking up good fortune good luck to great overal health mental and physical to great spirits to good food breakfast lunch and dinnner to work and being paid to voluntary work to gardens to laughter tears and music nd comedy to hobbies to toys to internet email to teachers Andrew Rose to the albemarle center to senses and limbs to being sober single and a non smoker to peace of mind to people like Rose and Jem to fellow taoists to friends and family to the safe keeping of all to all those  who have aided me in my time of strife .. to vitamins medicine to help with living and rent paid to good neighbours to good landlords to books .. to meditation . reiki and spirit phones and education

Posted by ecomill at 8:22 PM BST

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Mood:  lucky

i guess that today has been interesting .. always nice to see my fellow taoists .. and Andrew has a great deal of charisma .. great really .. of course there were moments and i was pleased to get to the form .. also kicking was fun ..

so here goes Woke up early and went swimming nice to see some familiar faces .. learned the name of the mysterious cute girl who is so cute she is a danger to shipping .. anyhow after a sauna i was out by 09.15AM and home eating breakfast .. tai chi and yoga took me to around 11.00AM where i slept till past 12.30PM .. and lunch .. some nintendo DS and time to go to class .. arrived and of course we had a bit of a chat about the website .. easy easy boy . and a few tai chi moves plus the form .. all done by 04.00PM home and after a shop .. bass guitar till 05.30PM and after a meal of salmon and potato .. plus houmous .. mnn !! delicious .. spent a long time reading about up north and a fine rock called by an unmnentionable ... anyhow i am pleased that the day has turned out well and that i am feeling good .. yes i have spent time studying and time reading my sci fi novel .. Excession and so onwards and upwards .. 

the sun is out this evening and i am hushed up resting .. the town is quiet and there is not a cloud in the sky ..

now to more css html what have you .. i am going to find out what address Andrew wants and then transfer the page over .. this is a great opportunity to try a little code to impress ... automatic transfer .. from one page to another ..simple ..today i was so pleased when Andrew liked what i had written .. and to be honest i feel now that i am a little closer to the tao and to tai chi chi kung in general . nothing like a project to get you close to the subject at hand .. 

and so that is that .. the package is safe .. and i feel that i have learned a great deal about self preservation . 

thanks to good luck good fortune good neighbours friends taoist buddies yoginis to teachers like Andrew and Rose good overal health to waking up good landlords to hobbies to being sober work and being paid to peace of mind . my employer to tai chi exercise and to saunas to family to laughter and tears to comedy music to learning online email to teeth and hair to gardens to a roof over my head to books to blogs to the internet to limbs to being single to good food to help with living to toys to sleep to phones to books to rest to good landlords to games and to meditation to reiki to being a non smoker 

i hope that my efforts today have and along with my efforts over the last 6 & half yrs will bear fruit ..  

Posted by ecomill at 7:55 PM BST

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Mood:  happy

today started with a few stomach churning moments .. yes today was going to be difficult today was going to be painful and yes as always the day proved to be better than i feared and worse than i hoped .. can't say fairer than that ..

i woke late 09.00AM and did my some tai chi followed by meditation felt great all morning and got down to some brass tacks .. thanks to Rose who seems to understand .. tarred with the same brush .. high standards .. and yes there it was in b-w .. at work i got angry frsustrated and ended up feeling guilty .. so i was not alone in that .. yes i have high standads and i expect the best from others .. letting the side down was always the worst crime ..doing one's best was alll that mattered .. and yes i often was in awe of what others best was .. miracles .. come to mind . anyhow perfection in most things seems to be the order of the day and that got me thnking .. difficult to love perfection diamonds aside .. but there you are .. and yes i sometimes feel that my background is my ace in the hole .. and at other times the joker in the pack .. don't ask me why .. however Bob Dylon put i nicely .. the song .. something about getting juiced in it . 

now the day unfolded nicely after lunchtime more swimming and then some time with Mum and that set me off to a tee .. great to see both Mum and Sussannah talking helps .. and  after well more tia chi and yoga .. nice to see everyone including Sarah et al .. and so the evening has flown by .. more twitter more Aleks Krotoski and tech stuff .. mn 

now to say thanks 

waking up good fortune good luck family and people like Rose to good food medicine to vitamins to toys and internet to email to senses and limbs to laughter and tears to music to comedy to a roof over my head to help with living to rent paid to work to work mates to peace of mind to being sober a non smoker to exercise to yoga etc to teachers to Rose Andrew and fellows to good mental health and to great spirits to good physical health to good neighbours good landlords to hobbies to loved ones to sweet hearts wherever they may be . to gardens 

and now i have to go .. good show on the school front .. finished the w3schools course on HTML development

and now time to say good bye good byee good byeeeee .  

Posted by ecomill at 10:22 PM BST

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Mood:  special

i feel ok .and the weather is fine . although i always find it hard .. when the sun is shiining . when the sun shines and i feel awful it's almost worse than if it is raining . i have this beetle thing in my head .. nowhere to hide !! and yes today i had it all sorted .. we were going to do nothing at work . because we are closing down soon . so we would play football . or something .. something i thought might be fun because it would be cool to be like the character in the fielld of dreams . who never pitched to his dad .. well all i had on my mind was dad and a bat for me .. cricket for me .. grey nicols that was me and i was going to play ball with Chris .. the whole thing started to go pear shaped almost as soon as i got in the car .. i forgot the reality of the situation . i was not switched on to my mental outlook ..

arriving we were shown computers that had to be done and ready for a specific time .. i found myself being distant towards Chris . ignoring him running away ..and we did not get to speak much until after lunch time .. i was stressed so much  i thought that i was going to burst .. and then it popped like a bubble .. yes at that moment i was seeing red .. thinking of Peter in a none too loving light and then it popped .. and all i was let with was a big feeling of guilt . that i had done wrong .. next minute i know i was being offered a penknife .. a swiss army knife .. just like the one i had a long time ago .. great !! Not .. 

and so from there the day improved .. I appologised to Chris who was feeling left out .  and i  made it my business to be as nice as i coudl .. listened to Norman who is great . and yes spotify is cool .. will download soon and made evereyone a cuppa ..things were winding down by the time Janet came to pick us up .. oh and my thoughts are with Peter who is having a hard time and has done for a long time .. on a lighter note Chris and I were back to our usual selves in the car . laughter and ll that .. decided to add a little wisdom . better than money although sometimes i feel that i am only doing these things by rote .. and not through some wonderous wisdom on my account ..

anyhow i arrived home at 01.30PM and wondered what to do .. i decided to have a little read of my ..  .. Banks and the plot is wonderful .. making more sense now .. more like a sci ffi novel now rather than something that might blow your mind if you attempt anything more than a basic understanidng of what is actualy going on .. ships that think .. conversatons i chat rooms .  images of earlier authors .. flatland .. darkstar .. 2001 A space oddyssy . etc .. anyhow after a good read more swimming and a sauna .. till past 03.30PM and then back home to lea rning .. online .. more css .. and then a quick jaunt out to see Lorna and Elaine .. nice chat about meditation .. 

and home .. again i considered things and for an hour played my bass guitar .. getting to play lightly that is the key .. the fingers almost carress the fret board .. relaxed . easy .. using the e string .. playing the notes rather than concentrating upon moving the hand to those notes .. somewhat like a mix of knitting and typing . on a keyboard.. 

now that  final act was fun .. Duran Duran sounded very much like a astrology class .. concerning the lyrics altuugh that was new romantic and now i am neuromancer . mnn 

anyhow i felt a bit freaked out for no reason  and phoned Rachel . Smart .. made an appointment for next wednesday at 10.30AM no less .. and after that i thought of something that i had not tried for a while .. people watching .. imagining what and where the cars were going to .. from the supermarket . 

sun shining nice day

and then i began to consider how i sometimes see things not only in black and white .. but sometimes filter out the good stuff ..

  calmed down after my stress level peaked .. it disappeared like a bubble popping .. the swim was good and there were a crowd of people .. after work i felt good .. i did it .. and the bass guitar was at times purely play .. it is true that at the time you might see things as difficult but upon looking back .. these moments were priceless .. the calm words of Norman that almost said yes we are looking after you .. nothing tomy head  worry  .. at times i felt that although i was stressed .. these elders were leaading me towards calmer waters .. listening to someone who loves his work is like listening to a lulllalby... i knew that if i only would give in and let it all happen let it wash over me i was going to be ok .. like i was in the hands of angels .. 

anyhow the bass guitar practice was wonderful .. and i loo forward to more tomorrow .. 

dinner tonight was lovely .. salmon and jacket .. veg sauce .. and a few raw carrots .. great . the evening is now upon us and i have a taste for a few games of chess .. but for now a few thanks and a few phonecalls to people .. 

thanks to the  best gift .. waking up .. good health .. good luck and good fortune .. a roof over my head .. help wth living .. to slience and to good neighbours to family to friends to work and to being paid to laughter and tears to comedy music to good food tai chi and exercise to saunas to hobbies and to toys to the vitamins and medicine that help me to the people who help me in these days of trouble drs nurses social workers to workmates .. like Norman to Dan to Chris to Peter and his wife to Tony and his understanding .. to peace of mind and to the people who work there .. to my good sense .. to phones to toothbrush to the rent paid . to teachers like Andrew and Rose to yoga and the albemarle center to good weather to good landlords to meditation 

Posted by ecomill at 8:24 PM BST

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Mood:  celebratory

ok so i have just finished a bass session that felt great .. learned a lot by listening to other people .. big thing that and the rest of the day was ok too .. yes the tai chi went well .. work was good .. yoga was good .. nice to talk with Jo of all people .. listen more likely and then the swim went well and my css is improving nice to see how my swatting helped me understand todays lesson .. hovers and all .. and i have an idea to copy that code so as to use it myself . somewhere . and yes i still feel good .. to write down that ithis is a good day .. and one that lets me know that if anything i am on the right path ..  i am looking forwards to playing my nightly game of chess and doiing some more evening things . meditation for one and a few other things .. perhaps more radio more music

. what mght be fun is a look at some more chess lessons .. perhaps view a game .. get some tips etc .. see what this is all about oh and read some ..

yes one thing i have seen an improvement is in my cognitive therapy .. i did some today as i always do and yes i discovered a few things .. yes i am a perfectionist in many spheres of my life .. relationships .. morals and the goals that i set fo myself . it is as if i am saying that morally i have to be a saint .. or i am a bad person .. all or nothing .. bang saint or the worst kind of person you could imagine .. i also need desperately to have people love me know me .. yes i have this thing about having to be so well known so that i am popular .. if i can't be thought of as in my eyes at least as date bait . then i have to know that a lot of people know me .. 

anyhow that is good for starters. 

so now i wait for sometihing to eat .. oh and of course mentlaly i let go .. with the feared fantasy .. yes someone comes up to  you and tells you what you privately think about yourself .. mine is that ... well i put it down in the book . 

and now yes i feel that perhaps i feel better .. after a long time of keeping it all inside .

lets say that my good days are getting better and my bad days are less traumatic ..

Posted by ecomill at 6:53 PM BST

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Mood:  on fire

yes i woke feeling good .. so good that i went for a run round the block .. 30 mins later shopping for breakfast and an idea to get to mum for mothers day . and so after more tai chi and meditation that left me feeling less than great . i set off .

so this was around 12.00PM and i found myself feeling less and less  fine as i went along .. and 40 mins later i arrived to deliver the flowers .. well i felt very uncomfortble  and about as comfortable as yu can with a phantom erection and no control over where it wants to go .. and so on that happy note we set off and i arrived back home feeling among other things relief .

once home i had something to eat and after a call to Jason Caplan i considered the day .. more tai chi as i recal and some guitar practice .. that took me to the mid afternoon and a walkabout with camera .. where i returned home to thoughts of swimmng and a sauna ..

this was the highlight of the day .. meeting a few people .. arriving home for near on 07.00PM

to now i guess that upon hindsight the day has not been too bad ive had worse and it was nice to see mum happy

now of course nice to see Alan and Christopher Simon and Hannah whilst Malcom is ok . early days. 

so to good health and to great mental health .. to family and mothers day .. to belonging. work and being paid .. walks are nice and good llandlords good neighbours and having enough food . to eat . laughing a great deal and for all those things called tears and music to comedy to help with living . 

although i would prefer that i pay my own way in life .. that somehow my skill with a computer might pay off . website design yes !! nice to have all my faculties .. sense and limb .. to the weekend 

and yes the  most important thing yoga and ta chi with IT .

somehow however there are those times when you surprise yourself to knitting ..to peace of mind to people like Clare and Rose and to my running mates.. waking up i find the most interesting . and to all those things that keep me alive and kicking .. vitamins and medicine .. yes where would i be without teachers Andrew Rose etc and to my fellow taoists yoginis . lovely 

one person once asked me what it was like to be me .. well there are  times when i feel great .. and if  no one says anything to piss me off well that is just great and then there are other times when it is like i have a phantom hard on a whopper of an erection that does not exist  in reality .. not in this unverse and at the same time i have a hunger so bad that it is likely that get the 2 confused ..

simple ..an 

Posted by ecomill at 8:21 PM BST

Updated: Sunday, 22 March 2009 8:27 PM BST

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Mood:  down

what can i say back to the blues again . it is like as soon as the sun shines i feel doubly doubtful . the beetle thing trapped with  nowhere to go .. tempted to read more Camus and consider this argument . Is life worth lliving in a Godless world ?

now to today on the whole nothing too terrible .. morining spent swimming and the afternoon spent working or so it seems . i wonder how alone i can feel today .. although all was not lost .. my neighbour Mr Godden whom i like a lot .. and this has only just dawned on me . after years of contact .. looks like something out of a horror film .. it's ok because it's a 30s horror film so none too horror . however he does kind of remind me of the wolfman making me smile on the inside .. 

now to today .. i woke up late .. 08.40AM and after shopping for breakfast .. and breakfast i went swimmning.. till after 10.30AM or so .. and yes there was a sauna

and not satisfied with a mere swim more tai chi .. for an hour or so . . now i suppose i was feeling ok because radio 2 went on around 01.00PM and so after an hour os so i was ready for work .. peace of mind where i danced and did my thing .. 

yes after more tai  chi 30 mins i had a haircut .. and went out taking photos till tea time ..lovely 

now to tell you the truth .. i feell somewhat fragile .. radio comedy going through my brain .. snippets here and there .. sound bytes that get stuck in your brain like . pieces of met in your teeth . i know it gets on your nerves . me too 

and now well the day is fine and i feel better although i'm sure that i have have felt better . at sometime not too far in the near past .. yes February was a good month or was that January .. mnn!!

and now thanks

good luck yes today somehow i felt lucky.. for a minute i fellt luck was on my side and then i started to sing .. mnn 

 to good fortune as i feel that the chinese have got their priorites right .. now of course if i felt terrible i would not be in a mood to say thanks that would be painful .. just one thing i hope that my sight is not going  blurry maybe 

anyhow to great overal health mentall and physical .. lots of thanks for that and to everone helping me . to hobbies that tke time to master to family and to work that lets me float my boat .. no one can accuse me of laziness .now ehhh!! and to teachers like Andrew and Rose .. to tai chi and yoga swimming being healthy wealthy and wise .. single and safe . paid and loved 

well here is to mixing it .. because recently i have found that i am easily pleased

so here's to that ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:36 PM BST

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