Mood:  chatty

I woke late today having dreamed and felt restless throughout the night .. yes there was the dream . and then an insight into being awake and being asleep .. meditation was a great focusing tool this morning ..

after an hour of tai chi and meditation . breakfast and all.. the morning was almost gone .. only to go to work .. and once again swim or sauna after .. interesting chat with Christopher about the holiday spirit .. a more humanist approach with my own i guess .. later I found Laura ..and once more i felt that i may have been too much .. talking about Maurice and his problems to her poor girl 

and so from 02.30 pm i was free .. and so home and because i felt somewhat agitated .. or at least not sure of what to do .. i went for a run .. returning home at around 03.30 pm .. and once i had shopped i was cooking till nearly 06.00 pm ..

the meal was wonderful . and left me in good spirits ... i decided to ring around some friends .. and family .. Kevin rang also ..and we chatted about the book he is reading .. Lord of the Rings 

long call to Paul T and good friends again .. I hope that he gets better .. and is well enough to move house without too much fatigue .. 

and now that has been my day ..  highlight being the run .. if i am to be truthful .

home now and yoga soon .. one interesting incident or breakthrough i was running along and i was considering the question of who is the observer or the observed .. and Krishnamurti had said that the observer was the observed and the observed was the observr as i ran  i considered this .. in detail .. the pursued or the pursuer both .. i imagined being the pursued as if i were being chased  and then considered being the pursuer .. and who was pursuing them ..or causing them to pursue me .. the snake eating it's own tail so to speak .. the consumer being the consumed so to speak although to be fair the pursuer pursued analogy fitted my frame of mind more faithfuly

thanks to waking up to good fortune to good luck to good food to great overal health to grand spirits to the weekend to work to work mates to being paid to money in the bank to Mind to clients to peace of mind to music to laughter tears to comedy to teachers to a roof over my head to good neighbours to good landlords to meditation to exercise to good weather to sleep to toys to phones to all those who are aiding me in this troubled time to sense and limbs to hobbies to being warm . 

and so this day is coming to a close and i feel that i need to say that  perhaps should rein in my thoughts .. not wishing to frighten of vent any troubled emotions upon those who are young and therefore undeserving of this.. my venomous bite .. laura is a nice girl ..and i perhaps am being too unkind .. to one who deserves a more gentle approach upon such matters ..  Kindness and wisdom go hand in hand i feel in this matter .. 

Posted by ecomill at 6:52 PM GMT

Updated: Saturday, 12 December 2009 7:25 PM GMT

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Mood:  special

this poem was a must . an attempt to understand and address envy .. firstly i had to like many things admit to that emotion ..and then try to figure out what caused it and what it was telling me and what was i afraid of ..

simple envy is about seeing something or someone and wanting it . or if that is not possible ..

then finding out what this feeling was telling me .. and finaly what i was scared of .. 

i found that i envied the simple joy and good time spirit of what i saw when i ventured into my home town .. lots of pretty girls . nothing but young faces everywhere .. all laughing and seemingly not a care in the world .. and that me feel green with envy .. i guess that now i understand what the green means ..  a bit like being sea sick .. however .. that is how it was . because that is what has been lacking in my life .. 

suffering and poverty are the things that seem to abound in my life or so that is how this emotion made me feel .. i asked the question .. it seemed that it had been such a long time since i had felt love and affection .. an easy peace has been a stranger in my life or so this is how my emotions made me feel .. i guess the most simple example was one of the scene from jesus superstar .. when Mary is using some very expensive anointment to clear the son of the carpenter's head .. and who but Judus comes along and berates her for it .. why waste such expensive oil .. well today i was that apostle .. making me almost cry out .. where are the poor .. there ought to be more suffering .. well i got home.. and figured t out in a poem .. simple

now to my day

w 

woke at around 08.00 AM and listened to the news .. Aussies versus England . mnn difficult .. but the ashes .a lot to play for .. anyhow i got up and did my tai chi for an hour or so .. till past 08.00 ish .. today breakfast would wait .. until later .. now i needed to get to the clinic . for a routine blood test .. i guess that i was a bit apprehensive as the new building is a bit .. new .. and yet i also looked forward to rescuing my memory stick .. anyhow i set off at around  09.15.. and arrived there around 09.30 nothing .. no one only my fear of being stupid . no one i know likes waiting in medical waiting rooms i wanted it done quick . blood test good .. until next month .. mentioned the swim .. very good .. well done .. thankyou

home and breakfast.. all done by 10. ish .. to be fair the time from then until 12.30 was largely made up of nintendo DS .. an hour or so gaming .. and some time with reiki if i can remember rightly . 

from 12.30 onwards i was busy in town .. accupuncture and reflexology .. and after all that business concerning envy etc ..  made it home by around 03.00 PM and wrote my  poem .. all done by tea time ..

and yet one more thing swimming . where i was lucky to meet a friend .. and together we braved the crowds . another 24 laps although it did get a little out of hand . too many children .. sauna and out .. before i lost myself ..

home and something to eat .. and a phone call to Anthony .. i guess the day has been one of those days ..and talking with him was a great help .. sometimes another person's take on things is just what you need .. if there was one thing i value more than anything it is being able to show our errors .. foibles weakness with each other .. that is what friendship is all about .. and it is a bonus if that includes family .. a double .. 

after a long phone conversation . i had something t eat .. and recieved a phone call from Lyne who is new to the tai chi group .. we talked and i hope that i gave an honest and sincere description of Andrew our teacher ..

looking forward to Thursday .. with only the usual reservations concerning my health .. 

now to thanks

rtto good luck to good fortune .. to good overal health good spirits to all those people who are helping me through this difficult time . to teachers to waking up to good food . to exercise to meditation to laughter tears comedy and music to books to gardens to mediicine to help with living to work to work mates to being paid to hobbies to sense and limbs to saunas to accupuncture and reflexology to shops 

to family to phones to washing done .. toys to tv radio 

Posted by ecomill at 6:39 PM BST

Updated: Tuesday, 4 August 2009 8:06 PM BST

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Mood:  surprised

today i thought things were going to be 'difficult' waking up and getting going . mn after the usual breakfast of fruit  and tai chi . well i was not up to much . it is funny how the day after is always worse sometimes than the cause . at least on the day you feel almost numbed into a shocked state . however i discovered that i had an ace up my sleeve . 20 mins of reiki undo . sorted out my fears and gave me some kind of peace of mind . and so after more training . i felt fit enough to have some lunch and pick up where i had left off . namely a men's group of all things .. and yes i'm glad i did .

arriving it was nice to see a few faces that almost put me at ease . and we began . now what was on my mind ? well the situation as from the week before where in my words 

'all hell broke loose'

yes i described the situation as such and we began to pick at it like a bone . yes i had got an apology from both . and had been running with one only a few days before . and yet i wanted to talk about how i felt about two grown men acting out some kind of problem and somehow involving me . i felt better once the topic had been aired .

now to more important things . it seems that there is going to be a few new faces and we chose to talk about this . and the posts that were to be filled . nice to give people orange cards . things are always changing around here it seems . and yet the most impromptu thing was afterwards where luckily i had brought a memory stick filled with my photos .. and before i knew what i was doing . i was offering them as screensavers for the office .. plenty of scope for photos . and one very nice woman said something that i had only felt on an unconscioius level ..and yet as soon as the words came from her lips i knew that this was true . one photo looked like it was from the great war . .. the scene was actually from a hill somewhere in somerset and yet the scene had all the makings of the somme .. or some such place circa 1916 .. i was abashed i guess . and to be called 'very good' well this was vital stuff for my soul .

and yet the day with it's sunny aspect had me heading for the pool and afterwards yoga . where things really did begin to happen .. i arrived to a room of ladies and .. low .. Lyne and Sarah my two favourite yogis . were present . and so as i meditated . i prayed for some way that would save any blushes . Lyne is one of the most beautiful of woman and i am a red blooded hound of sorts and yet any ideas would turn out to be too complicated .  . and Sarah is one of the most gifted and warm human beings i have had the honour of meeting .. both ..if things were different i would jump at like a shot .. and yet because i do love them dearly i needed to set them free . in my own mind . you understand and so i prayed .. meditated for a way out of this love trap . and yes after the session . Ritta came to the rescue . with a stroke of genius . describing where i lived . as being near a burger bar . wonderful !  i couldn't have done better myself and well whilst i was counting my lucky stars i bumped into Sarah whom i can count on to make me smile and we talked freely .. about fish and chips . no less .. gosh ! this was perfect . i just hope that we will be doing the same in twenty years time when i would have become less of a horses ass ..

and after chips and good news . and sad news .. the girls at the chippy are wonderful one has just recieved here GSCE certificates and the other young lady is doing well in her chosen sport .. that of pool no less and the sad news well one of her team had a fit and died the next day . well i never !

and now to thanks . friends and peace of mind . to yoga waking up this morning to shops and great mental health . great physical and spiritual health . to laughter and tears to comedy and music to the internet to people like Jo and Stuart and to kind comments from kind people to being lucky and fortunate to good neighbours and great landlords to vitamins and medicine to help with living to help with rent etc to gardens to books teachers Andrew Jill and Rose to a roof over my head to good food . to hobbies and photography to work and CVS computers to answered prayers . to fellow yogis and senses and limbs to toys and phones to family love and safe keeping ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:46 PM GMT

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Mood:  hug me

woke up late and felt unprepared . whether to swim early or to prepare myself through Tai Chi .. this latter option was to me at least the simplest . and so for an hour and a quarter perhaps ...i meditated upon the simple movements ..  and so after breakfast and shopping the time went by so quickly ... and to be fair i felt in need of more and so i went swimming for an hour or so . 20 mins .. and more sauna steam.. low for me . and anyhow lunch came round too soon  .. the afternoon was an excuse for a walk of my own and off i went to see if i was included in the rosta of allotments . however after a few great shots camera wise i managed to grab a quick conversation with one of the gardeners .. and news of the robbery ..

after more walking great !! had a little treat . The Brewhouse . and a new exhibition . metal stuff . just fantastic !!!

and now after a lovely meal  and the beginning of another novel . Burmese Days  by George Orwell i am rested especially after more meditation . i feel that this new book will again show the shadow side of the East .

and the radio plays on . more gentle words from the BBC ..

thanks .. to friends and family to waking up to breakfast lunch and tea . to exercise and tai chi yoga to walks the Brewhouse to good food to a roof over my head to rent paid to being sober single and a non smoker to good mental health to good physical health to great spirits to good luck to good fortune to good neighbours good landords . to DVDs CDs and toys to Phones to my garden to swimming to nintendo DS and to the radio and tv senses eyes and ears to smell and touch and taste .. to limbs arms and legs to teeth and hair . to meditation to books to teachers Andrew Rose and Jill to Biodanza to the arlbemarle center to exercise to art and hobbies ..

and so to this evening .. time to phone some friends .

Posted by ecomill at 7:06 PM BST

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Mood:  smelly

these are the things i could do without ..

my eyes and ears playing tricks ... God i hate the lonliness and yet i hate the thought of being close . the silence of the evening . grey and wet . with only my thoughts for company .. the nights filled with the shouts of the drunken people . the bins being searched over . by the destitute who seem to inhabit the darkness we all fear . like something out of the world of HG Wells . . my thoughts that hold no substance .. food that will one day cause my demise .. going nowhere fast .. finding Friday and all alone . tired of reaching out . reaching out to people who never call . and the knowledge that this last comment was that of a man alone . and untrue . waiting for the next reason to be cheerful .. the sight of rain and the smell of damp . clothes that chaff . tired and doing nothing . wu chi that hurts . relying upon massive amounts of substances that might work some day . like the song says . all this good stuff . that you see all around you .. and yet none for you !.. wondering when the phone will ring . and the fact that when you do actually do talk with someone . they will speak of nothing but one subject . me me me .. etc etc . and you try not fall into the trap . of doing the same . and they will say that you are a good listener . and when you have something to say . no interest whatsoever .. yeah yeah yeah . big wows . but what about me . . and on and on . forever . forever  forever . and now ..and now . the advice that only reminds me of why i should be concerned . money .. you say that money is a terrible thing . when it takes over . and now what is the fear about . that things will never change for the better  .and then they change and it feels that the world is collapsing all around .. fear that i have been warned . of things that i will never know . i feel that i have been given a blank cheque that operates in reverse.. they keep adding shit to my account ..i suppose that when i see others in my situation . they are all so different . some good . some bad . and yet i cannot accept that we are all the same in some way . somehow monsterous . the funny thing is that i was monsterous at one time . and now i am a better person .. time on my own . makes my urine run . they say get creative . they say creativity is trouble . they say that religion is trouble . they say religion helps . they talk of caring helps  funny that .. might as well come clean ... pu . the uncarved block . like putting your lips together .and blowing gently . like blowing away a fly from upon your hand .. and suddenly you find yourself in hell . where the feminine is most definitely under the heel of God' s boot . i believe the call it original sin . what happened to me will always haunt me . as there is no apparent answer . behind an awakening . that rocked my world . to it's very core . the holy spirit if that is what it was and is . has the power to move the universe to cleanse . however there appears to be no way of riding this steed.. the spirit cannot be controlled it does what it needs to .. and no matter what the mind believes . .. if it happens to you . you wont believe what is happening to you .. it is completely far out. and there is . nothing in this world to compare with it .. nothing . not now not ever . and somehow there is the promise that this will heal and bring about enormous change for the better ..ah i guess i should be grateful for the wonder of waking up . ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:25 PM BST

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Mood:  on fire

ok today has been a day and a half . woke before 07.00AM and yes tai chi plus herbal tea . till 07.50AM mnn . and then the meat my good friend . a run over the hills and far away.. wow !! nice to see Tim kinda and Paul Tatnal . and funnily enough i was bereft i tell you bereft . arriving home before 10.00AM and so a breakfast . and a shop . plus zen meditation . nice . !! and so the morning went by . with a well earned snooze . 12.00PM till half past .. and the afternoon more photography . a journey out enjoying the sunshine . yes a few photos smart again . one nice littel bit of luck . meeting Ron .. father of Joel .. whilst an hour and half went by just like that . returning at 04.00PM . and so after more tai chi 30 mins . i was pleased to have an early tea . and yes after a phone call to Kevin i began to feel that horrible feeling . simply put i needed to shout out . expressing my inner pain ... words you would not like me to repeat . and yes a sauna came round just right .. an hour of sweat . god it felt good . even though i was getting more and wound up .. sweat and jelousy . . youngsters snapping around my heals . and something that i am not happy about . smugness . perhaps . youngsters getting kicked out . of the sauna . and afterwards i guessed . that i surrendered . and got my reward . a sense of simpson like satisfaction . the bit where the child goes ha ha you fell and then he gets a kick himself . typical just like father Ted . oh i suppose that i am considereing the way i've turned out . like my father yes . and yet understanding i need to be myself .. nice however to see Alan and Patrick . and i must remember Karen .. charity run . sponser.. and so upon leaving i felt better than before .. . one to remember . this is a special plus .. if anything swimming and saunas are the top of my 2080 list . now afterwards a true teatime treat . salmon and potato. and a decision to get rid of the tv . yes i enjoy a good natural history program the likes of wild china or micheal palin plus the long way round etc . however that is that . and music and comedy radio is again a hit list favourite now these things always come in threes . and the journal making yes a great idea ..

it's coming up to 08.00PM and well the sky is filled with birds .. more music in my life . drummng and bass ..

thanks to tim and all . Family and friends . to Bob and Guy Paul Kim . walks in the sunshine . wilds to hobbies to great mental health great physical health . good spirits . laughter and tears to comedy to music to radio to tv to help with living and waking up . breakfast . lunch to tea vitamins and medicine to running outside..quantocks .  to mum and Anthony .. tao to teachers Andrew and Rose to Jill and biodanza to acupuncture to herbal tea. the weekend to good neighbours to good landlords to tai chi yoga to dance to hobbies to being sober single and non smoker to great luck to great fortune to sunshine

and so i feel the world turn . and i need to be reminded of something that was, now . the moon sits in the sky amid the blue sky . and yes beautiful . now that the excitement of summer is passing or should i say that expectation .. has diminished to a point where i can now enjoy summer for what it is . and well things are as they are . i guess that midsummer has it's attractions however July is like a late afternoon . warm earth meets warm sky . and the earth is being slowly warmed . and as the song goes . sweet septemember rain .. is yet to come . the love affair between earth and heaven begins to fall apart . again . and has it's appeal .

music is to me something precious and yet so easy to forget . music hits you like a rock and almost sets you in stone .. remind me . to play more often . somehow i have missed an important part of my education . music appreciation .. and making love . long hot summer days mean everything at the time like a freak thunder storm . part of life .. rain and sunshine . god you know i have lived passionately . at times . and feelings run high . so much so that it frightens me . my own and those of the young ones that i find so difficult to understand . i guess that .. this is the way .

how can i be in love with the way thngs were  not so long ago ..

the feeling is the same and yet like panes of glass . distorted .

the music breaks the shadows that embrace my heart now.. long

ago i knew so little and yet knew so much about what i know now

to be the waters that keep breaking upon the beach .. of my nostaglia .

my heart beats like a souvenir.... a  pastiche of what was once so clear

i can bear this no longer  the shadow of the morning sun .

feeding my aching heart with hope and   burning away my fear ..

with the soaring of life's  mystery upon far off epsilon .

Posted by ecomill at 9:47 PM BST

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