Mood:  a-ok

this day has to be a brief day .. waking late at 09.50 am i felt good and after a good breakfast and a little tai chi and mindfulness i was set for work .. this passed quickly and i was ready for lunch ..

more shopping and then a highlight .. meeting Chriis G and mum .. well the afternoon was spent feeding the ducks . great fun . indeed ..glad of his company .

once i returned home the day soon sped on to an evening of swimming where i was pleased to swim a few meters . 45 mins or so and then a sauna oh how wonderful . Alan said his hello and i was pleased to get home and eat ....simple yet wholesome potoato and goats cheese with a smattering of houmous and tomato 

the film tonight was Lawrence of Arabia.. brilliant so far

and now to thanks

waking up .good luck to good fortune to good health to good spirits to laughter tears to comedy to music to a roof over my head to help with living to work to work mates to sense and limbs to films to toys to family to all those who are aiding me in this these difficult times to medicine to warmth on a cold night to being paid to money in the bank to books to teachers to minfulness to meditation to exercise to teeth to hair to phones to saunas to sleep to good food to friends to places like Vivary park to the albemarle center to staplegrove hall . 

Posted by ecomill at 8:37 PM GMT

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Mood:  celebratory

 woke today slowly and by 09.00 was up and out .. after breakfast more tai chi .. till around 1100 .. mnn now today i had to organize . so by 1100 i was out drawing . till around 12.00 and back home preparing for the lesson at 1300 .. of course lunch was a bit of a hurried affair .. and i decided to chill before so some tai chi till 1240 hrs .. 

college was fun .. I arrived to see the student body at rest .. the weather was fine and everyone was outside enjoying the heat ..m

i was impressed with the beauty of the building . and i was introduced to the other students .. on the course .. Janet who seemed shy but with obvous depth .. Sue who knew me from before . and Adam and Jamie ..2 youngsters ..  whilst Paul came later on ..whom i had not seen for a fair few months .

we sat and i spent the next 2 hrs enoying the teaching of the tutor Richard who reminded me of my grandfather .. 

the the rest of the day i spent swimming and enjoying a sauna .. together with Ahmud and friends .. we talked for some time ..

and now having eaten i am resting .easy

thanks to Sue Horril and friends .. to good luck good  fortune great spirits good overal health . good neighbours great landlords .books teachers Richard Andrew Rose and so forth . to college to tai chi yoga to laughter tears comedy and music to hobbies to art to great weather to a roof over my head to rent paid to help with living to friends and family to people like Emily Rose and alll those who have and are aiding me through the bumpy times .. to medicine to vitamins to sense and limb to sobriety to being a non smoker to being single . 

and now to some reading .  

Posted by ecomill at 6:33 PM BST

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Mood:  not sure

I woke and just lay there .. considerinng .. myself .. and felt nothing  although it was early days and this was just another one .. and yet i had the expectiations of an artist . or at least that is what i imagined my present personna to be .. i got dressed and was up and about .. shopped for breakfast .. and returned feeling somewhat less than hopeful .. things have a way of changing quickly around here .. i made a phone call . and i prepared ..

the tai chi went well .. and for 70 mins i was ok .. and so amoured so to speak  i set out to see some people about my future .. short term .. future .. i arrived having run some .. and i knew as soon as i walked in the door . i was toast .. i said hi to a friend .. and felt bad .. difficult to concentrate sometimes .. and so i waited and to put off  the fear of waiting rooms .. i sat and got out my nintendo DS and did some brain training .. sound down of course .. .now i am not one to show off .. largely because i have a terrible fear that someone is going to some day .. say .. look at the bloke showing off like that .. we will have to see to him .. and yet even though i felt the guilt trickling from every pore . i carried on .. because to be honest i did not fancy the company .. i played a few lost a few and was called in  

lovely woman Sarah .. but this time .. not even a smile .. business like and nothing less .. i felt confused .. and i guess somewe hat deflated .. no welcome commitee this week .. my Dr had built up my expectations . and to be frank i was pleased . as i had come to the same conclusio .. i was going to get better by myself .. i had lasted through the holiday period .. from Thursday last .. and now well i had a few of my own plans .. 

i left feeling ok .. and walked home .. my mind was on one thing now .. home and preparation . after lunch i was going out there and draw .. and so .. with some trepidatioin after lunch i set out to town with a pad under my arm a few pencils and a bag of assorted sticks of crayon .. etc ... and headed for a spot that would be public and safe .. somewhere where i would be seen as just another student perhaps .. i am still at that embarrased stage .. I guess that i have not gotten over that first experience when i played my newly bought drum outside M&S and a few blokes came up to me and asked out right where they could buy some .. herbal tea . I was so surprised that i almost dropped my drum playing there and then .. 

once there .. at my spot .. beside the local gallery .. i sat down and was pleased in many ways to find a perfect subjet upon which to draw .. two faucets .. in grey .. no more stinging nettles .. no more trees . and yet an hour and half later i was spent .. i had endured the long concentratioin periods of just looking .. measuring constantly measuring .. getting the proportions right .. i still find it difficult to fully concentrate .. to block out the noise of the people .. the school kids the banal chatter of mums and the all too intimidating voices of young bucks . with an a level under their belts .oozing attitude .. lacking in any perception accept that  they would not be seen dead dong what i was doing .. . i can fully understand why people don't do this sort of thing . at least in public .. i am reminded of the little piece of japanese ..the nail that sticks out will be hammered in .. and i was feeling like that nail .. yes i took a hammering today .. arriving home at 02.25 i was at a low .. and considered the situation .. by nearly 03 pm i was running around the block .. and 3 miles later and at past 03.20 i was back home feeling a whole lot better .. 

a phone call from  Rachel went well . i had started my reiki session and was chilled to the bone .. we talked and made an appointment for Thusday .at 10. AM .. 

i returned to the reiki and sat .. in my chair till past 04.30 or so .. listening to some good music and i was feeling better .. to cap it all i consiered the swimming pool and went for a sauna .. till tea time .. i met a few dogged souls and sat and steamed for as long as i could bear it .. no swimming tonight .. nice to see Hannah without the strapping .. on her leg ..i feel for that girl .. dodgy leg injury . surgery and her being a dancer by trade .. i guess there are things worse than cars and girls .. and i guess the amazing thing is that when the leg goes . this little mite ..cute as a bug in a rug ..becomes the most talkative and sweet person you are likely ..to meet .. and when the leg is better up goes that .thing. that only youngsters can do .. cool .. mnn who are you ? sorry do i know you ? oh mnn well if you have to!!  yu know that kind of thing .. human nature .. 

after a shop .. where i was pleased no relieved to see Fran all dressed in national health service blue. smile that wonderful smile and my faith in human nature was restored .. i guarded her groceries whilst she went and got some bottled beer and felt human for the first time in a long while .. we talked and i mentioned the art work .. i felt the same emotions welling up again as if i had broken a law . and was rewarded with the exclamation of 

oh i didn't know you did art ..

well i guess we all did art at one time .. i said my farewells and was reminded that we would see each other again on the following Monday ..for yoga ..

once home i cooked up what i consider a healthy meal .. and whilst it was in the oven i found ten minutes to play my bass guitar ..practice practice and yet .. well it is done now .. and i retired to some radio .. last.fm radio .. makes buying music obselete .. thanks . 

the eveing is grey . and likened to a midnight in Norway .. although it is only near 08.00 PM . darn

so here is to all those who have and are there for me. teachers Andrew Rose and to waking up to good food tai chi and yoga to toys to music to comedy to laughter to tears to sense and limbs my own and to swimmiing pools saunas to good overal health mental and physical to good spirits to medicine to vitamins to hobbies to new friends to books to reiki to good neighbours good  landlords to family to help with living to rent paid to sleep t o radio tai cihi yoga shopping to work and holidays workmates etc 

anyhow that is my day . in a nutshell ..  

Posted by ecomill at 7:56 PM BST

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Mood:  a-ok

i guess that the day has improved .. this morning was touch and go .. still feeling somewhat panic stricken .. inside and easily forgotten as i went out for breakfast .. i woke late 09.45AM and was glad of the rest .. i had woken to the vision of a girl i know .. Heather .. and for a few minutes had spent some quality time . with her curled up half asleep . well after breakfast i was thinking about the drawing i was going to do . another simple pencil on canvas .. however i was not sure of the subject or the location .. however first things first ..  tai chi for 80 mins .. enojoying a fresh approach . this time a few rainbow moves .. to happiness .. well i certainly learned a few things .. the sun was shining and it was already nearly midday .. and lunch .. i was out of the house by 01.00 PM and walked towards the turner's allotment .. the road was a beautifiul dash of colour . red and yellow irridescent tulips .. and great waves of blue .. i am not a gardener but i know that this particular place was friendly and had a few interesting subjects .. subjets that i might draw.. in a word i liked the place .. it was quite charming .. and yet upon arrival . my hopes were if not dampened were certainly confirmed .. the gate was locked and in any case there was no place to sit comfortably for my purpose . i walked on to another place that had been playing on my mind .. somewhere beside the river again . but this time further up stream .. a place where i would not be disturbed .. i knew the spot .. it was where Chris and I had spotted some deer  .. i found the broken tree trunk .. and sat .. considering my options . the river was a picture in itself . and yet i am an amatur .. i chose instead the interesting tree directly to my right .. i could sit and draw .. the bark .. and remembering my lessons .. i stopped and  looked .. inspecting the subject .. seeing any points of reference .. lines .. up and down .. any helpful pointers .. chips .. holes .. creases .. and again feeling somewhat self conscious i began .. a few lines here and there .. measuring with my pencil .. seeing what would be the central point . and yet this time i started at  the bottom .. and as my confidence grew .. my strokes became more and more easy .. heavier .. darker lines .. untill i was faced with what i could describe as an impression of what i could see before me ..the weather was being kind .. and the clouds were none too heavy .. the day was bright and i enjoyed the sunshine as the shadows increased in intensity and made my job easier .. and so once i had my impression .. i could see how the bark was made from flakes .. of i guess paper . and i could see every impression .. every blemish every hole every indentation .. here and there ,bugs crawled up and down .. the great tree .. i watched the differing colours .. hoping to capture the differing hues .. and then it was done .. my behind ached ..and i had seen a few people come and go .. now it was done and i could go home .. i walked with my etching in my arms. and yes i considered the  possibilty that i might return to finish the piece .. with a little water colour ..  a few dabs here and there .. to complete the piece .. i am looking at the picture now and it is not half bad .. another tomorrow i think .. if the weather remains kind ..

the clouds are high in the sky now .. the town is quite .. it is peaceful ..and i have had a day ..

yes i returned home by 03.00PM and was swimming by 04.00PM met a nice couple .. in the sauna .. and tried not to be sad .. beautiful people can have that effect sometimes .. the girl .. about 20 or so was blond and very dizzy .. in the kindest of ways . i liked her .. she asked a lot of questions .. and the guy was my age or so .. and quite  laid back .. as i was once .. we talked for as long as any one of us could stand the heat . the girl who was from someplace Austra i imagine surprised me .. i am not used to being asked questions .. even if they  are on subjects i know .. my answers were i hoped . non threatening . my intention was to win friends not to show my baser self .. and i must admit i was quite charmed by her and rather envious of his simple lack of jelousy .. respect to them both .. the swim was brief and i was out by 05.00 and home having my tea . some time later .. the rest is simply a good read and a few entries on twitter .. that micro blog that is so popular now . and the read is Ian Banks and his novel . against a dark background . the A team go to hollywood .. so to speak .. finding relics and dodging the bad guys .. funny how it so far reminds me of my early youth . 21 ys again .. and all the pimms you could imagine .. yes i once was allowed in the sweet shop .. got in under false pretences almost .. and well there was no money .. so ..  back to being poor .. i guess  now of course things are different . .. none to spend .. just the house now .. 

time to fly .. thanks to all those who are helping me to good overal health mental and physical to good luck good fortune to good friends to holidays to medicine to vitamins to good neighbours good landlords to  laughter and tears to toys to art hobbies to gardens to a roof over my head to tai chi and yoga to love of a god woman to rent paid to shops to work and work mates to sunny weather to family to sense and limbs to teachers Andrew Rose to Janet and Chris  to good food .. to swimming to saunas to to meditation to reiki to the odd customer and peace of mind ..

the sun is setting  .another day .. listen time passes .. time passes .. thanks Dylon Thomas 

Posted by ecomill at 6:47 PM BST

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Mood:  irritated

i hope that within the next few days things will be looking up .. today has not been great .. and yet ... and yet . i've known worse . so as a day here goes .. 

i woke late ..and to be honest hoped for another day like yesterday . and of course once i pinned my colours to the mast . i  was in for a  shock .. as this always means disappointment and to be honest i don't know why i do it if only to ward off any suffering .. 

so after breakfast i was ready for some taichi . and an hour later i found that i felt rather overwhelmed .. i guess that over the last 4 days i have held things in limbo through the use of art as a means to root out any pain that i have suffered .. it s my way of self expression .. and a way to begin the healing process .. today i however was not saying that i was getting better .. no sir 

today i was looking at the hideous nature of my perceptions .. the tree . became my vent .. and a way to transport me to that hellish place that i had considered a closed book .. i looked at my drawing and saw .. something awful yet compelling .. something that once belonged to heaven and now was .. caught on canvas .. i was reminded of my early years .. late mid teens .. and yet i was uncomfortably conscious of the unholy nature of my etching .. and yes i was brought down to earth .. back to earth as was my subject  .. after a few hours of drawing i was quite exhausted and craved nostalgia.. something to cling to .. and yet all the pointers were saying move forward .. let go of the past .. grow . and so after lunch i settled down to some comedy and soon began to feel i needed to stand .. Qi Qong has me now .. and after 45 mins plus a reiki session of 55 mins and not last but no means least a yoga sitting meditation for another 40 mins or so i forget .. felt more human and was feeling hungry .. 

chicken and potato great and after well a walk that enabled me to take a few photos .. in the rather beautiful heat of the late afternoon .. the day was at its best  and i marvelled at the flowers the tulips .. in red and yellow .. the rapid nature of nature .. and so returning home a second time today i picked up the phone .. and talked with mum .. and felt stronger .. than i have done for a while now ..

and yet still those ghosts still speak although distant and i would say quite humanly .. and i suppose that s my fear .. some kind of reasoning behind all this .. 

and now the day is bright the colours almost golden the sky a blue that speaks of infinite spirit .. and yet i am troubled . as to the journey that i have found myself ..  i have somehow come across difficult times and can find no reason for the change .. backwaters ..

i should be pleased that my labours have born fruit .. my brain age is down to a comfortable 30 yrs today .. whilst if i get to choose the exercises that figure is 23 yrs .. now that is quite wonderful news i hope .. 20 yrs being the optimum .

anyhow it seems that Spring is here in full bloom .. and i am grateful to have used the day constructively .

i feel that going back 12 yrs is  a mixed blessing .. as was going back to when i was 23 yrs old.. and yet it is a strange feeling to be as young as your spine .. and as young as the brain you were  given only 20 yrs previously ... i guess that means that emotions aside . all is well ..

thanks now to those who count and to good luck to good fortune . to good neighbours landlords to laughter and tears to good food music to comedy and radio tv to waking up and to skills learned over the course of time .

i imagine that even though my brain has regained it's youth .. i still have memories that terrify and cause so much trouble .. however better that than the alternative ..

to sense and limb to good friends to angels out there and family to medicine to vitamins to good mental health and physical health to grand spiirts to work and teachers Andrew and Rose to fellow  yogis and Jane June Kay and Pauline . to toys to phones to gardening to hobbies to books to nintendo DS to sleep to sunny weather .. to reiki to tai chi yoga and exercise to meditation to help with living and to rent paid and to art  

one thing that scared me even more that what i thought i had drawn .. that being the fallen Promethous head first in the earth .. in the guise of a tree .. or perhaps on hindsight .. arial trapped in the tree .. but the most scarry was that it was Pooh .. having dug a hole to capture a heffalump ..and found himself trapped instead .. that was scarry . thanks to some taoist writer that i shall never forget ..Hoff Benjamin . and the tao of pooh .. thanks again .. 

Posted by ecomill at 7:33 PM BST

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Mood:  chatty

oh boy what a busy day . waking up at gone 08.00AM i chose to shop and then get to work . asap. and when i was there 08.45AM i chose to try some tai chi for 30 mins . rather than the usual 60 to 90mins . however having come into work at the weekend i did not have to face the full time allocatated .. and was out by before 10.00AM for some yoga . this was an interesting session with some new faces . more men and the regulars . Simon was there aswell as Sylvia and Anne . whilst Sarah and little one were present . both mother and child looked a picture . whilst i was keen to see Fran also . the session went swiftly by . and at the end we had some time to talk . Simon had gone to the football .. something i might try . i thought . Sylvia and Anne were in good spirits and it was a pleasure to see both of them . talking of rugby no less .. whilst i felt that i needed to talk to Sarah .. who is an angel.. we talked of or should i say i talked of my status as a free man . who was looking for someone special .. and i learned that her husband was 55 yrs no less .. and that he had needed some encouragement upon the topic of marriage . . i felt better for this .. my mind being made to rest so to speak ..

and so after this morning session i returned to Peace of Mind and rather halfheartedly got on with it . 20 mins passing by and so freeing me to do other things . i concluded at 12.30PM and made my way home .. seeing Sarah on the way . and made myself ready for my appointment at the hospital . opthalmic dept . bitter memories made themselves upon my heart . for i had worked there many yrs ago .. 1997 or so and the experience had left me feeling shamed .. long hair being considered dirty . as i recal . however i did not have to wait long and the woman who saw me Tess was her name was very nice .. and so the tests began and the appointment lasted 45 mins .. with a second appointment made afterwards .. 02.15PM and it was all over .. i ran home as i had run to the hospital . and arrived home ready for another appointment .. at 03.30PM and so i prepared myself for this .. with some tai chi .. to calm my nerves .. and so around 03.15PM i made out for PGH .and again after a run of a mere 10 mins i slowed as to arrive on time and not before .. i waited for a few minutes and calmed my nerves with some relaxation techiniques . and yet when i saw Amanda Dixon i knew that everything was going to be ok .

the meeting went well and i touched all bases .. all except a request for psychotherapy . this i will do . later with the decision concerning the application for DLA . 

i ran home and upon reaching my destination and after a brief shopping trip i thought of swimming this was an idea that would bear fruit . whilst in the sauna and steam i had a great conversation with a most attractive woman .. and the swim went well .. 25 mins of quick gut busting strokes .albeit with a small moment where i thought that i had lost my wallet .. the session went well .. cracking

and after all this activity tonight i will leave room for a little meditation ..

and now thanks

to Waking up . to breakfast lunch and dinner .. to exercise and tai chi yoga .. to saunsas and steam rooms .. to work and to work mates to beign paid . to teachers like Rose and Andrew Jill and to fellow yogis to friends and good mental health to grand physical health to good spirits to laughter and to tears to comedy and music to good luck to good fortune to family and to toys to phones to help with living to gardens to a roof over my head to tv to radio to swimming and senses limbs to good neighbours good landlords to being sober a non smoker and single to nintendo DS to sleep to vitamins and medicine to the rent paid to hobbies and showers and a shave to books . to website design . to the albemarle center and people like Rose Stuart and Susan . great photos !! and to Peace of mind . to the beginning of the  week and to warmth on a cold night ..

yes that seems to be it . by no means a dull day . and yes the rain and the warmth have their charms .. grey and yet not life threatening .. thank you !!

todays' lesson that we are all different .. and in so many ways .. today a woman showed me how her retina is slghtly misshapened .. great .. Darwin is to be thanked ..  and the preoccupation with perfection is shown to be meaningless . because it is our differences that will make all the difference .. i guess that lesson was shown me years ago . where Veronica who had the jaw to end all jaws . would give her's a wiggle . and funnily enough this used to drive me wild . funny !!

Posted by ecomill at 8:16 PM GMT

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Mood:  not sure

awoke from a dream . lay there . till a more human hour arose .. more tai chi . 60 mins plus . and breakfast .. stiill early in my mind .. more meditation and rain and more rain . . till lunch . and nintendo DS .. till phone call . first time round to Jason's . at 03.00PM more tai chi and a run . Orwell Burmese Days . great book

 i was wrong of course .. nothing to do with Eastbourne Court . same road that's all . oh so many paintings .. 50 +

great guy ..

and after computer stuff . a tour . more instruments . bass etc . nice garden . ..

home and swimming . nice to talk with both Alan and Russel .. great people . warm and very interesting .. talked about paintings and books . Oil Well . George Oil Well ho ho .

and then home and dinner salmon and potato .. humouse .. mnn !! more black beer white bread .. mnn . !

and to thanks to waking up and a nice bed . good shoes . great mental health . great physical health . great spirits . to toys to hobbies .. phones .. electricity lightbulbs to my garden to vitamins medicine to breakfast lunch tea dinner to telly radio laughter tears .. comedy and music to good neighbours great fortune good luck to good landlords to being sober a non smoker and single .to help with living to rent paid .. to swimming exercise to tai chi to yoga to teachers Rose and Andrew Jill to running to biodanza to albemarle center to work to peace of mind to people like stuart Rose Susan . Jo Lucy etc Maggie to such project to art brewhouse  to work CVS Community .. to senses and limbs.. to books to travel to the internet to brain training ..

and so the beat goes on .. !!

today has had it's highs and lows

high talking with both Alan and Russel . art and books ..Burmese Days . police man etc 1984  etc ..

low . realizing that i am forever looking for victims .. targets .. social climbing ..

wrong about Jason ..low cunning .  if i understand that i can defeat this low cunning of mine and aspire for greater and noble things .

Posted by ecomill at 8:35 PM BST

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Mood:  quizzical

you know that this day has been a long one .and for what ? yes i woke at 08.30 AM and continued my tai chi with an hour or so . now again i was prepared for mum and a meeting at 02.15PM . keeping busy tilll then . swimmnig for a while . continuing with the medicine and all . vitamins etc . breakfast and lunch . which reminds me that vitamins are calling . Waterloo is nearly over and perhaps the answer . has been found . in the assumption that the british forces were retreating rather than retiring . now there is a lesson . better to retreat a foot rather than advance an inch . mnn !! now meeting mum was a great success and the weather was glorious ... reading more in the park . nice to hear from Kevin and his up coming operation .

tonight was a mix of bitterness and shadows . yoga great more to come and the evening is a beautiful blue . more vitamins and herbal tea . oh and laughter . more chips and a find . a new fish . still feeling good . even though the film will leave me feeling sick as a dog . somehow it feels like a long day .. with a lesson at the end . i stood and said it as i saw it .. being in the moment . means capturing that shot. taking a picture. and being awake . and you know what i regret speaking up somewhat and yet i understand Ayn Rand . and her philosophy . greatness is often despised by many . and again and again i am reminded of this . like tonight . thinking of all this makes me understand . Lyne . beauty is the same . despised . for what it is . and somehow i am glad  and so again all i have to do is take a step back from my own actions to a similar feminine quality . .it is admirable that beauty exists complimenting actions . both despised and both finding the other difficult to understand . at least that is how i see it . for the songs are all true . it is a man's world . cars trains heavy loads machines and yet worthless nothing .. without a woman . . perhaps that s my achilles heal . forgetting the feminine finding it a threat .. shadows etc and misunderstanding the genius of the feminine . seeing only silence and despising what is . the ultimate in nature . and her wonders ..

yes life is merely a bunch of bugs dividing and reproducing . however what of nature . yes we are great at making babies . and yet our nature comes later . to attain something more . become yogis . attain a higher mindfulness. similar to breading award winning animals . crufts etc . gaining a degree . etc whatever it is . this is our nature . my nature well to overcome my limitations . heal myself . and yes like an oyster produce that pearl .. by concentrating upon that grain of sand trapped inside . the pearl is produced .

thanks to family mum big hugs . and Anthony !! to friends and yogis and tai chi to great mental health to great physical health to senses and limbs to swimming to sauna to steam to music to comedy to tears to laughter to the albemarle center to vitamins to medicine to acupuncture to herbal tea to sunny weather to Teachers Andrew and Rose to the summer holidays to fish suppers to film to hobbies to toys to phones to great neighbours to good landlords to help with living to help with the rent to being sober single and a non smoker to good luck to good fortune to a rood over my head to teeth to hair .. to work and mates to sleep to yoga . the internet

and yes things are not perfect . far from it . still feeliing out of sorts . nervous . distrusting my state of mind . constantly in need of action .. anxiety accompanys me in the morning .. a strange feeling of dread as if .. the big IF is going to happen at any moment . and yes i life my life expecting the worst . and act accordingly . ah well can this be the tao . .. more zen and more tai chi and yoga swimming and sudoku .etc .

and so the summer is upon us . late nights shining . more tennis.oh here is a happening thing the blue aeroplanes. great stuff .thanks Paul D .

interesting guitars . and well punky lyrics .. what now . ?

and so the evening is closing .

things i gave . a coin a pound coin . secretly given . lip service perhaps to buddha .. 

things i received . lesson in love . to Lyne . Ayn Rand and greatness . despised . lesson in diplomacy .. 

problems i have caused . rude to Lyne and Anne .

Posted by ecomill at 9:33 PM BST

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today has been an interesting day  nice to be with my friends . lovely to be a nice guy . outward and outgoing .and yes more zen philosophy . and yes the sun was shining . and tai chi was a great way to wake up to . yes i was moody and at times bullish .and yet i loved this chance to be kind . to guy and to sonia . yes i was very happy to do a little healing . . secret powers of ointment .etc hoho .. the walk was fun and yes i didn't know when to be needy or to be myself . ah well the afternoon was a chance to do homework . learning great .. and more tai chi..

and so to thanks . to family and friends .. to good health to good mental health to good physical health . to senses arms and legs etc . to eyes and ears to touch to smell to taste to legs and arms to good neighbours to good landlords to the radio to tv to laughter to tears to comedy to books to education to music to photography to bass guitars to hobbies to zen philosophy to the internet to toys to phones to the shops to showers to saunas to swimming to art to the brewhouse to medicine to vitamins to good luck to good fortune to waking up to breakfast to lunch to tea to dinner to sunny weather to reiki to the weekend to God to Buddhism to sleep to teeth to hair to meditation being celibate to being sober to being a non smoker . to today's walk with people i can be myself .

and now for something different . relationships that have ended in disapointment ..

first one .. when i was a child younger than i would care to know . under 10 and beginning primary school . a woman who would teach me the piano and who would take me to the park .i wanted to be safe with her . to be like mum .she introduced me to God and worship ..  and then i was disapointed . my first disapointment .  

my relationship with Kim . an expectation is that we will be friends for a long time . till death do us part . friends for ever !!

and now my own expectations for myself .. somehow to right a wrong that i have done . to recover a part of myself that i have lost . to live a good life

how i have disapointed myself . drug use and letting myself be ruled by the desire for more and more thrills .

not getting to the root of my self . not really changing . perhaps falling for the transformation myth . not really changing . .. still the same youth ...

being a bookish cliche .. of a person who believes his own myth

being so judgemental 

how all my good intentions and thoughts go right out the window when i either look in the miror or when i enter a crowd of people i know .

in my attitude to learning

to my relationships with my father and step father .

being a womanizer .. my immature relationships with woman .

Posted by ecomill at 8:04 PM BST

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Mood:  irritated

thankyou to my teachers . Andrew Rose and Nagib ... i guess that today has been a day of following good advice . if i keep things going well i know one thing that i am the son of an orphan . and i give him nothing but pain .. and yet in my heart i truly believe that i am doing him right . by leaving his new family alone . enough of words . trouble  however thanks

today is almost gone and well .. today i got rid of a few things . and a few things that i hadn't intended . highlight was that i saw a guy whom a few years ago i would have not been able to out of shame and even better i respect his beautiiful wife . who is very beautiful .. yes perhaps another time we might say hello .. and yet even after all this time i am still not humble not truly humble   enough to keep my eyes away from her beauty . i suppose that i see myself in his shoes . so i guess that today has been a dangerous time . .transiition from shame to my concept of humility .. however i felt good ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:49 PM GMT

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