Mood:  bright

ok so not perfect and maybe my expections have been too high maybe!! anyhow the day has had a high or two and a low that i'm still trying to think of .  so here goes

i woke up feeling ok . enough sleep and at 07.00AM i was up and for an hour or so did some tai chi till 08.00AM and felt good about work .. went shopping for grapes and went to work .. yes it went ok and so by 09.35AM i was resting .. as this is for me the end of the working week and so mid morning i woke from my meditation /sleep that's right i found meditation turned to sleep and i was ready for the day . ok nice to see Keith even though for a moment i had a crisis of confidence . However a retreat to the cave did the trick and Keith was nice enough to enquire about my work at the computer place .. nice bloke .. and so the day progressed and Clare and friends invited me to learn knitting .. and you know what i knittted till well on lunchtime brilliant .. no stress no thoughts no worries . and it proved to be the perfect antidote to my troubles .. talk about chilled .. simple to learn and rewarding .. 

after i joined Rose and Bob and read a little of the news .. ok and settled for a while . rustling somewhat .. and so by past 12.10PM i left and had some lunch and then thought it wise to read up on  some computer css .. finished by 02.00PM and ready for some swimming and sauna .  great and i was done by 03.20PM of course no day would be complete without a bass guitar session. lasting until 04.00PM 

a run after this 5 miles and shopping  for tea . and a wind down to the weekend .. ccoking potato and chicken .. 

a day and a half .

thanks to good luck good fortune . great mental health and great  physical health ok so now i am going to change things .. what would i be like without family to raise me and what about good food and enogh money to spend on the simple things in life . thanks to Amanda Dixon i am now no longer on DLA and am working . thanks to community computers i have learned skills that i think are valuable so too books and people like Ken Darby who have introduced me to technology .. and to the drs and nurses who have found ways to help me be well .. and to Teachers like Andrew Rose etc who have taught me skills involving yoga and tai chi . to Patricia who started me off in relaxation to friends who understand to a roof over me and help from the taxpayer to ease my burden .. to good senses and limbs to gardens to laughter and tears comedy and music these are so much a part of my life now .. to medicine and vitamins that keep me well .. and to my landord who taught me humilty and caring .. plus great neighbours who are good people .. 

Posted by ecomill at 7:57 PM BST

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Mood:  lyrical

what can i say  .. i feel the cold is easing nicely thankfully and the snow is falling . and i am aware of how lucky i am . humbled is not even close . although it will have to do . for now ! I am reminded of the mystics that Joseph Campbell talked about . enough said . and well the day has been on the whole quite productive . yes i guess that learning more CSS was a boost and  yoga is always the right choice . so to the weather and to friends like Bob who is always around when i need him ..

i woke early at 07.00AM and went straight into some tai chi for an hour or so . till past 08.00AM and so after breakfast I arrived at work feeling a bit like the cat who got the cream . having come in on Saturday to do some.. and so i found Yoga with Rose a challenge . largely because .. of my envy . Sarah has the most wonderful relationship with her Daughter Ellah and i am quite envious of their being so close . yes i wouldn't mind being that close . and yet once i pictured myself there so to speak there was nothing . and for once i felt good .. knowing that this is not serious .. and i was just being a bloke being a caveman as usual .. bingo hotdog .!

and so after the yoga i did stick around to talk with Rose and Sylvia plus it was a great to talk with Anna .. good to be with such caring souls .. including Sarah who gave me her most charming look that i know is her down to a tee ..

and afterwards well . back to peace of mind and my favourite part of the Monday .. reading up on Cognitve Therapy . that took me to another test or two , this time i found that i was getting better . less depressed and less anxious . although some things were on my mind . as to the future . not something that i think about . apart from a nagging doubt as to the efficacy of what is to come . nothing really  .. and yes i read more and yes another questionaire .. this time a few feelings and thoughts that once uncovered and written down .. and put into the model start to lose their negative power to depress or frighten ..

and so once i got talking with Mark and  trading jokes it was past 01.00PM and i was fortunate enough to get Andrew's ear and showed him some interesting things i have been doing on tumblr and twitter .. and venio or some such site . mnn video and the intro to Japp .

anyhow i made it home and had lunch and after some more tai chi i knuckled down to some study and came up with some great results .. CSS is a great way to create cool websites .. and i am pleased to help Andrew in anyway i can .. and yes i did get to go to the sauna and stayed tll around 05.00PM .

finishing shopping i met Bob and we chatted .. and yes things were seeming to become somewhat unreal .. and my ears were pricked to the higher frequencies somewhat . so yes we talked and i was glad to have bumped into him . talk of Banks and things clutching at straws ..

time to go home and eat . and after heating the home . bang me and the toy . whilst a few very interesting articles on the web Mashable on twittter . that i considered keeping Andrew informed of what is going on out there in here so to speak . yes mental note to Andrew . keep in touch.

thanks now to waking up .. to good luck to good fortune to work to friends and family to Voluntary work .. to toys and being sober to laughter and comedy to music to good mental health good physical health great spirits to being paid to help with living and rent paid to warmth on a cold night to tv to radio to the internet to Drs and Nurses to vitamins and medicine to good landlords to gardens to sleep to saunas and exercise to tai chi yoga and teachers .Andrew Rose and so many others . to Bob especially .

and now i wonder i still feel hot from the afternoon .. the chance to meditate and to find some comfort ..and not forgetting hobbies that make our lives bearable . we can find ourselves in our interests ..

thankfully my senses are getting back together .. and my limbs are not aching .. and the books are making some sense .

on the whole no surprises .. and yet a real sense of privilage ..and humilty .. deep in my bones .. that will be the steam.. then !

tonight i hope to sleep well and to keep up mine and other's spirts .. and as a final note i am determined to as Obama put it "embrace right"

Posted by ecomill at 7:28 PM GMT

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Mood:  hungry

oh so today has proved to be interesting . health wise and in other more expansive ways .. a few chance discoveries . and a few home truths .

woke early i suppose well if can call before 09.00AM . well of course i needed to do some tai chi . 60mins to feel normal and so after an hour of that i had a little something to eat and then .. well ran to an appointment . a mile of so away . 15 mins . well it was a nice day . blue skies etc . and so after waiting for what seemed a very stressful time .. i was seen and interviewed .. bloods . weight heart rate and pressure .. great !! and after well another run . racing the bus .. and home ..

now it was time i meditated i guess that i need to do more.. lunchtime came quick and i was ready to for my regular swim and sauna . mnn !! nose bleed however so no swim .. and yet . i pondered ! yes more running . 30 mins of running greaaaat ! and yes an afternoon of reading .. internet and a book i found for 55p .. great .. technologcal .. tech no logic .. and stories of garage genome hackers .. Sussannah would love that .. send an email

and so after more stories .. of savants .. i was feeling somewhat kicked .. and so found more time to shop and eat healthy . loss of a kilo .. !!

and now i suppose my excitement can get me down .. like a swimmer out of his depth .. i am feeling a trifle scared . funny how this occurs .. you or i find this everywhere .. on tv .. you see the most incredible people .. beauty and fantastic .. and you are left feeliing ugly or lonely .. annoyed by the adverts .. making you feel inadequate at best .. angry at worst .. the world is either seen as downright dangerous or so distant that you want to bury your head in your hands .. the tv or radio is not for you dear . just sit there and be quiet .. and if you want press the red button . .. AHHHH!! AHHAH!!

now i have heard that watching tv makes you feel crap .. sad .. and powerless .. and yet the internet is sometimes worse .. you read about the incredible .. people making miracles in their garages ..the hyper rich the brains of the world .. the stage might have seemed panoramic from the comfort of your tv or radio .. however the world is stratospheric if seen with the aid of your pc .. you can learn that there are people who know how to do things with languages that you have never even heard of .. and there are magazines that are for the likes of me that give you a glimpse of a world that i have only experienced as an interested outsider ..

when i became interested in computers it was after a brief lesson in basic .. we never got as far as a computer .. however . oh no we were shown flow charts ..and the like .. i was not impressed .. however i was interested enough to actually find the computer room.. a place so remote that out of the entire school area . of labs and class rooms .. it was a : situated in a room that i swear would have made cupboard seem uncomfortable .. yes as i recal 14ft by 5ft  and maybe 5 or 6 computers. BBC model b . and it was within these walls that i first came across the people that time forgot .. nerds geeks . at the time there was not the language to describe such people . 1984 .. well early days eh! and yet i knew that these geeks were going to rule the world .. they possessed an intelligence that was not well documented .then .. not quite language not quite math . not quite anything . and yet all i understood was that whatever they were doing required a lot of brain .. and i knew that whatever required a lot of brain meant that eventualy these guys were going to be big . i learned a few lessons .. i saw what appeared to be pure genius created with the very language i failed to understand .. i saw basic in action .. i saw what basic could do.. the easiest being a lunar lander . a space ship given enough fuel to land safely .. i understood the mechanics .. the logic so to speak . i looked at the code .. and i must admit that it was fascinating .. seeing how to develop a game .. the God game .. where you had to protect your village build a dyke or sow seed . etc and watch the seasons do their work .. or the ultimate Elite . that needs no introduction .. and was so cool .. that i played it once .. and again was under no impression as to what i was dealing with .. ah .. loading games via tape .. that's right a tape player .. goodness knows i was only given one of those the previous year .. to play music .. let alone load a computer program .. the sound of that machine .. was cool ..

and now well there was the internet boom of the 1990s and where i found HTML etc and again found that at last something that i could get into .. however the whole thing mushroomed into a whole host of differing shades and colours ..  i found hacker sites .. my sister became one .. an elite and i found myself wanting again being attracted to the whole world of the world wide web .. and yes when you see what is happening in the big wide world well .. it is an enormously humbling thing . scenes of California and the silicon valley the sillicon this the silliocn that . well . !! and now another room has opened so to speak ..garage-genome-hacking .. not computer hacking actually creating new forms of life ... the world of bladerunner .. finding that algorithm that sees similarity .in wait for it areas that produce proteins .. mn ! another cupboard made into a makeshift lab .. or maybe not !

well to the rest of the day .. Mum is in a state . having put our Buster to sleep .. i hope that the next few nights are ok . as it is a very difficult decision to make. goodness i know . when the end is nigh . the buck stops here .. there is no one but yourself that can make that final decision . not even the vet . they carry out your instructions . and the mechanics are just horrendous .. whilst paying the bill at the end is the final horror . it is quite the most awful thing . and as i have said the timing is usually all wrong . where you have delayed and pontificated .. however his last minutes were in a place that he loved . in the back of the car . a bright red sportscar . and my last memory of this kind old soul was him in the back .. makiing no sound only watching the road .. ahead .. well he is on his last journey and we will meet again . I'm sure .

now to thanks . to friends and good luck good fortune to good mental health good physical health .. great spirits to good neighours and good landlords to waking up this morning to breakfast and lunch to dinner to tai chi and yoga to the internet and email to teachers like Andrew and Rose to JIll to a roof over my head to being sober non smoker and single to laughter and tears to comedy and music to work and work mates to vitamins and medicine to toys and phones to running and to swimming and saunas to steam to tv to radio to hobbies to my garden to art to family and to pets to washing done and to senses and limbs to help with living to rent paid to my education and to travel to CVS computers to teeth and hair

and so the reading will continue .. and the word will continue to become the kind of place that you only imagine the kind of place you see in National Geographic.. my favourite !! a place of wonder .. if you like pictures ..

and i suppose that revolutions are continuing . constantly .. now this is just a thought .. but if in 1984 Information Technology was a cottage industry . the size of a cupboard . quite litteraly .. then in 2009 the same space is devoted to genome hacking well what about say 2029 AD well there is a thought .. what cupboards will be being turned into what i wonder . space travel . ? nuclear fusion .. time travel . all these are so pedestrian that i cannot think of anything that will come close ..

anyhow what a day . if only because of a book or two . !

Posted by ecomill at 7:55 PM GMT

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Mood:  happy

the race that was over quicker than i liked and yet ran on for longer than it might . to wake up and have 10 mins to get ready . well it all seems a far cry to not so long ago . we set off slowly and jogged . for about an hour or so .. well it felt like a lot but to be fair .. no great shakes . 3 or 4 miles tops .. i imagine that i have been hanging around a few pros that's seems to be it . for me .. 10 mins mile . tops and that was a while back . well a few months . anyhow i got home and after eats . grapes etc i slept till past noon ..

and then well a quick tidy up . and some kind of tai chi . 30 mins or so .. i guess that you could say that i am breaking myself in gently .. to 2009AD . and the highlight of the day . after lunch .. at 02.30PM a walk with Chris . and meeting his mum Janet . and we had a great time . an hour beside the canal . figuring out the land . and the landmarks . railway stuff . industry stuff . cars and wildlife . great !!

and on making it back . well !! a shop and home .. where all i can remember is a call to  Mum on the telephone . a warm heart to heart . chat that makes me feel good inside . ..

and after a phone call from Jason who i like a great deal but somehow find myself distancing from .. anyhow . American football . Giants vs the Falcons or some such . reminded me of twenty years ago . New England Patriots . mnn ! and some fine quarterbacks Ellis or some such . and Mahony or somewhat other .

i went swimming instead .. 25 mins of hard quick strokes .. and a few mins in the sauna . i felt good . the weather being clement . and a few familiar faces . Nick and Patrick . etc . nice to be back . and after a little radio . that had me surprised . Donald Bradman . the cricketer . talking about Australia . and the opportunities that emmigration would hold . 1957 .. a long time ago . or perhaps not.. i was surprised by his voice. as now we are all assailed with the voices of big barritones or bass . his was high . and not quite how i imagined a cricketer of his stature . how human .. !!! how absolutely beautiful . a kick in the eye for the likes of this hollywood land . of Giants .. heroes are never what you are led to believe . again Kansas went bye bye .

and after well thoughts went out to the likely lads . and how this comedy was a document for it's time . changes and no changes . myths and reality . the myth of the 60s and the dull reality for the majority ... a retreat from Empire . in full swing . and the beginning of magazine culture .. stars in their eyes . television .. and the thin veneer of progress ..

and now my own .. i sit here now .. wondering about the two characters .. and how i have lost my best friends over the years . to what i could not tell you . progress . i imagine .. the boyhood friendship where last names were the norm and then .. later .. teenage adults . and then companions in pain . and outsiders .. nn ! and now Chris .. well all i can be is grateful ..

thanks to friends and getting up this morning wake up call running .. Time and Paul T to breakfast and lunch to dinner to swimming to saunas to steam to good luck to good fortune to good mental health good physical health to great spirits to good neighbours to good landlords to being sober single and a non smoker to laughter and tears to comedy to music to skils and teachers Andrew Rose and Jill to my garden to a roof over my head to the rent paid to electricity to art to hobbies to tv to radio to the internet to email to senses and limbs to books to teeth and to hair to toys and phones and to shops and DVDS CDS to Janet and Chris my best mate .. to work and being paid to help with living to the rent paid to warm evenings to meditation . and to sleep .

and i guess that listening to Donald Bradman i am humbled by his humility . and the simplicity of his message .. he let his cricket speak for him .. and that is a lesson well worth remembering .. and yes that s how i played the game .. i swear .. !! nice to think that after all these years . all that hot air was just that .. hot air 

sport has been a saving grace for me . and i guess that i ahve always known thiat fact . and have strived and continue to do so . in the firm belief that if i keep at it . well anything is possible .. sportsmen and women are not catwalk models .. but they are models . role models that are in my opinion worthwhile .. i guess that being one costs nothing and yet at the same time that's when you start paying in everything you've got .. just like anything .. in life .. and i do recal Joseph Campbell .and his words ..  follow your bliss . .

i guess that all this talk of bliss and high idealism .. might sound somewhat contrived . and in a way it is . yes sport can make a man . and also it can save a man . for me .. mental illness came at a time when i was at my peak . i was not deficient .. hungry . or allergic .. i had not been more alive .. and i suppose that shocked me to my core . although to be fair i don't know why . the common cold can bring down the healthiest . in a matter of days . however .. i did not stop being me .. and my hope is that the athlete within... the spiritual athlete .. the runner.. the fighter .. the hero .. might just somehow make a difference .. in the field of good mental health ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:37 PM GMT

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Mood:  cool

today has been .. on the whole one of surprises . .

i woke early before 08.00AM and considered the situation . mnn tai chi for 30 mins and then work .. and so after a quick shop i was there at my post by 08.45AM and enjoying myself .. singing always helps and today it was the turn of the rock opera .. Jesus Christ Superstar . and the beautiful voice of a girl who i recognise as a star in her own right . throughout the seventies . starting over. this kind of thing gets me through the morning . and i was done by 09.45 AM and rested up in the therapy room .. where no one goes . till well into mid morning . i surfaced feeling none too good . not used to the chaos that permeates the drop in .. however getting to talk to a few friends helped me flex my brain cells .. and so i managed to iron out a few things that have been on my mind . notably the yoga incident with Sarah and other notables .. sleep .. good to listen to a few choice stories  from others . AKA Bob and David Jem etc . and so by lunch time i thought that i was done . however.as things turned out this was just the start .. Bob and I started talking quite literally as i was leaving .. the front door in my hand . and again the topic was the walking group . on a Saturday . mnn i had considered the matter closed however this was not the case it seemed . guilt i'm afraid has a long tail .. we talked and then to cap it all Rose joined in and it became a discussion .. of our concerns . we talked and to cut a long story short .We agreed to formualte a letter . to all concerned . and so i managed to get some chou by about 02.00PM with a swim and sauna to follow  .. i managed 40 or so mins of the wet stuff . and made it home around 03.30PM ready believe it or not for a spt of running . that began at 04.00PM and continued on till around 05.00PM . now after more shopping i was all done by 06.00PM and listened to a little radio story byno less than Mary Shelley . the mortal immortal . mnn interesting if not over blown .. windy weather . and so ate my tea . cooked and pipinig hot . this journal started at before 07.00PM and i guess that as days go this Friday has been quite the average . where i might have been somewhat more sociable and a little less steady .

the highlights being of course an afternoon with Tim Hather . and the morning to myself . Bob and Rose were very accomodating when it came to accepting my concerns . and Jem was very candid in his description of a few certain women . in his life .. and to cap it all David seemed to have had a great season . singing again . the world needs his songs. whilst he shows me what can be achieved .

thanks to friends to peace of mind to good mental health good physical health great spirits to running and swimming to saunas to family to waking up this morning to good luck to good fortune to good neighbours good landlords to music comedy laughter and tears to being sober single and to being a non smoker . to yoga and tai chi to teachers like Andrew and Rose to Jill to email to shops to the internet to my garden to Jill at Cheddon Lodge to art to hobbies to work and workmates to the weekend to tv to radio to vitamins ad medicine to Drs and Nurses to Amanda Dixon to a roof over my head to warmth on a cold night to senses and limbs to toys and phones to CVS Computers to web work to songs sung .. and to shops .

oh and a thought . it is not about the things or people that you desire . first you must become desirable . something worth wanting .. i believe this even might be called virtue. and creating it within yourself . 

ah well not a bad day . less depressing largely due to the fact that today was Friday .. and i know where i stand on Fridays ..the old routine .   

Posted by ecomill at 7:32 PM GMT

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Mood:  quizzical

big news . girl i had my eye on .. Big Dipper .and beginning to run again . an hour and ten mins .. 6 miles or so .. my guess a little less ..

woke late today 09.45AM and decided upon tai chi 90mins .. and so with shopping and breakfast after .. well it was almost lunch time . before i knew where i was .. lunch and afterwards .a sauna lasting an hour . or so .. now yes i promised myself a haircut however this will wait .. till Monday .. or maybe the weekend . .. i will ring SJ about the PC .. as i believe it is saturday tomorrow . mnn ! wow ! and so i had a little time to visit peace of mind .. a bit crowded .. nice to briefly talk with Clare and Jemm.. and made my way home . sorted an appointment to see the eye people . 12th Jan 01.30PM Monday i believe . and so to the highlight of the day . a run with Tim Hather .. lasting till past  05.00PM great .. to be back in the swing of things .. talked about stuff .. wild running swimming .. etc .. returned home after more shopping .. and cooked tea .. more salmon etc and it is now 07.00PM

thanks to waking up .. tai chi shopping breakfast . sleep to laughter and music and comedy to my brain game . nintendo DS and to tears to tv to radio to good luck to good fortune to good neighbours good landlords to great mental health great physical health to wonderful spirits .. to friends and family toys and phones to hobbies to work done to being paid to my garden to being sober single and a non smoke to warmth on a cold night to saunas and to running .. to vitamins and medicine to Drs and Nurses to Amanda Dixon to Rachel to art to showers to teachers Andrew Rose and to Jill to tai chi and yoga to travel to education books to Queens and St Petrocs to Aberdeen Unviersity . to safe keeping and to internet and email .

now i am home warm and rested ..

being single hurts greatly however the alternative is filled with hidden spears .. i have never had a true love .. one that i have grown up with . or known for any length of time .. my first love was when i was 12 or 13 yrs old and i only saw her twice .. it set off a spark and lit a fire .. i recal singing Jesus Christ SuperStar with all my heart ..not knowing how to love .. etc the experiience was so profound that i tried to reproduce the whole experience .. a few months later .. and could not find the record .. it being out  of season so to speak .. and the girl .. well . ! we all have our cross to bear . i guess !

and now there are a few that i would certianly consider close friends and one or two that i share a certain chemistry .. however love don't really love me ..and for once i know what's best .. better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all .. god who ever wrote that needs shooting ..

time to say goodbye . goodbye .. goodbye it's tiime to say goodbye ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:10 PM GMT

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Mood:  quizzical

i woke feeling on the whole ok .. and was up without too much pain . you know the usual . just another 1 minute . oh for a little bit more rest warmth and ease .. and then up and at them . the tai chi is becoming a part of me . and i make sure that this as well as other routines are kept . now after a quick look around i was ready for work . but before .. shopping and vitamins .. then work !!

ariving at peace of mind . funny that peace of mind . something out of the funny pages that .. however .. if the building is empty i can sing and this is what i did today .. noo shooz .. can't wait . ! now on the surface a great song . and yes it took me back to Torquay summmer time... car going a bit mad . reading on the beach german phrase book .. the story being a simple one . i had decided that i was to drive the car daily from my home . i was living with my mum and step dad .. to Torquay . i stole the money for fuel from my mum's purse and headed off for the coast .. driving carefully i managed to arrive by early to mid morning and spend the day on the beach . i was trying to enjoy myself and to an extent it worked .. the sunshine helped and the summer atmosphere was just what i needed . Torquay is wonderful in the summer and i was loathe to return to Taunton by nightfall .. memories of bathing .. the seaside .. the seafront . my car and noo shoooz .. can't wait .. singing at the top of my lungs . happiness so hard to find .. and the tourists .. along with my fake tan .. i looked like a  robber who has handled funny money . hands .. palms a dark brown .. and then home till the next day .and the next summer's day . this continued on till late August perhaps even September . i remember with a faint heart the slight chill and overcaste weather . that forced myself and the other sunbathers to put a shirt on . even though . that summer lasted a long time and it struck me as quite wonderful that they have a fair . with rides of all kinds . to see the passing of the summer months .Torquay in winter is a bleak place .. and i believe it is the expectation of happiness that makes it so .. if it is foul here in Taunton we see foul weather however a seaside town has a reputation to live up to .. and there are moments of this even in the winter months ..Halloween for example . now there is a grand excuse for a party . and again Torquay the town that knows how to do it in style .. an almost mardi gras upheaval ..

and so once i had been singing for all i was worth .. in came Rose and somehow it was natural that we talk .. and i had the words inset into my heart . get involved .!! and so we set up the christmas tree .. nothing really . after finishing work i set myself up in what is known as the therapy room and tired as i was .. meditated. however i guess that i expected too much and had no heart .. and so the day began in ernest .. lamentably .. the idea was that we all chose to talk about a topic and yet somehow i was keen as mustard and this meant problems .. and so i came away feeling as if i had done something wrong . misunderstanding everything basically bugger all .. and so after another stab at tai chi chi qong i was ready for another go at the coal face ..and i was surprised to find that a surprise awaited me . Jo and Lucy had met a guy called J** who was an artist and someone i had met whilst in one of my sauna  states .. he was going to talk with Stuart of all people . he liked my photos and i was given a pat on the back .. networking .. mn well the last time this sort of thing happened i ended up in hospital and i must admit these last few days have been gettiing me to that stage ..and so i decided and this remains my standpoint that i meet every success and every failiure in the same manner .. with a healthy dose of head first .. i certainly will not allow others to lose their heads and blame me .. or to lose their decorum and to see me as a the hero of the moment .

anyhow i went home had lunch and went for a swim .. and again i guess i was surprised .. more head trouble but not life threatening .. the sauna and steam went well .. the swim was a short one ..30 mins and Simon one of the life guards said that he admired me .. and again i had the spider sense .. that the last time anyone said this i was on my way to hospital.. i took this wth the pinch of salt it required .. and carried on home .. oh and to see a real hero .. Mat who i wasn't going to mention .. he is dealing with something tough i don't know what it is but i know tough when i see it .. and i found myself in an odd rather shameful situation .. i have always envied this young man .. he is a professional .. typical of the sort .. i have seen his wife and how he teaches .. i even have incorporated his teaching into my own stroke of front crawl . and here is the rub .. that envy has gone .. and has been replaced by a horrible new demon .. one of .. oh how are the mighty fallen .. i feel that this man is going through what Garry went through and al i have is sense of now see how you like it sonny jim ..

all i can do is to acknowedge this and move on .. no use now .. my own suffering is bad enough and to add to it anyone elses .. well yogi that i am .. self preservation and a sense of well i know a little about what he is going through . and it makes second class out of the very best of us ..

now to the run .. 45 mins as usual but with a twist .. many years i was talking to a lady in hospital about how a man let out his voice at Christmas and i have often wondered about this .. how to let my own out and yet all that i am faced with is a half hearted ill informed idea of this practice .. and so on this run i let out a bit of the crazy in me .. the sky was red and i felt like i had the strength of quite a few men .. i was quite mad and by the end bush wacked .. yes today has been hard ..

and to this evening .. thanks to waking up and the decision to read further .. this time the spiritual path .. perils and promises .. good food and safe keeping of all those i know ..

one thing i have noticed with my eye you know the one that huge mono existential half baked monster.. that we as people have our own quirks .. whether it is biting nails or rockiing and it bothers me .. could someone see me .. the way i see others .. i see many as damaged ..and yet am i not so too ..

and so to thanks to all those who i know and to waking up this morning . to good luck and good fortune to great mental health and great physical health to grand spirits to vitamins and medicine to travel to peace of mind to all those i work with to hobbies to excercise to tai chi and yoga to Rose to Andrew to Jill to gardening to christmas trees to my loved ones .. to books to teachers whoever and wherever i find them to toys to phones hobbies to nurses and drs and Amanda Dixon to good neighbours to great landlords to laughter and tears to comedy and music to help with living and to rent paid to senses to limbs to my voice to singing to work to all my talents .. to family and being single sober and safe .. to art and to the internet ..

and again meditaiton might help me find the solution .. there must be more to life than i am seeing .. apart from the simplicity . perhaps 

however recently things have been tough . and i wonder .. meeting that man with his dog .. good news .. even for a short while is still good news . one thing before i go .. what kind of man would i have been if love had not intervened . i dread to think .. thanks to that . to the tao of pooh and the te of piglet .. and to mum and dad ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:29 PM GMT

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Mood:  incredulous

i would like to think that today has been ok . tai chi and swimming running and al . yes work and sleep . a good turn here and there . and yes reading . George Orwel  again and i suppose his lesser works . however a thought did come to mind . that i should be more studious . learn more about a trade . it's been a while since i used my computer for anything other than the internet and writing . yes why not html or something . websites were once quite exciting and a challenge . Andrew wants one why not !! and yet i have found my limits . mnn

swimming brought me into contact with Heather and Liz . not very honourable i'm afraid however i am willing to learn the lesson . Lyne taught me . Dad taught me . etc .. friendship ..

things have been quite cosy and so i am happy thus far . apart from a nagging doubt about life purpose etc . what on earth am i going to do . html and what build a website..  another one keep to hobbies photos and stuff . music etc

and so as yet i could not tell you .

thanks to friends and waking up this morning to great mental health to great physical health to great spirits to books and teachers to Andrew Rose to the weekend to Jill to being sober a non smoker to exercise to tai chi and yoga to a roof over my head to good neighbours to good lalndlords to help with living to Mum and Susannah to Anthony to breakfast to lunch to tea etc to good luck to good fortune to my garden to vitamins to medicine to tv to radio to shops to education to philosophy to the internet to hobbies to art to the brewhouse to the weekend . i wonder American president . Obama . ?

i am glad somehow to have began to read again . after so many years . if one thing is true . i have been and still am stiff with fright .. it 's in my bones .. and even in my breathing . holding my breath .. bones somehow like chicken .. no amount of yoga .. or tai chi .. well sometimes i feel down to earth . !

again i have emptied the place of junk this time it's my head ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:08 PM GMT

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Mood:  hungry

i woke early and lay in till before 08.00AM . tia chi for an hour or so . and then shopping and breakfast . more Chi Qong . standing like a stake .. and after well meditation for perhaps 10 mins or more .

work went well . and Chris and I had a great time . cleaning and lifting . sorting and talking . i guess i am looking after him and he although he might not realize it is .. in his own way looking after me . 

and after returning home . more meditation . and then swimming . and a steam . till well on 04.30PM . quite mad . met Liz again . scots . and yes i must admit i went a bit barmy . . like Italy . trouble . creative i'm affraid . and after all this .. a run with Paul Tatnal . however i never felt more sane and in the moment than then . . we ran till past 05.30PM and fast .. getting home i was happy . and found my presents . this time they interested me . and the early evening was spent on a pc . puzzling . over differerent games . till 07.00PM . somehow i tuned in turned on etc .

today has been a bit of a mystery . Liz fascinates me . as she is very switched on . wrong energy and all that . but the eyes and the breathing .. etc . mnnn !

tonight i shall finish my book . Burmese Days . only a few chapters to go . 4 maybe ..

and so the day has been .. on the whole quite mad .. as was the weather . cold and dry .. snow possible . and to add things up ! morning tai chi and Qi Qong .. 90 mins .. afternoon .. swim and run . swim i can't quite recal . at least . 30 mins and the run at least 30 mins . this is a very conservative figure  . and so to the evening .. ho ho !!

i guess now that the vitamin therapy is in full swing . work is good . and i have tossed aside any laziness that has creeped in . i have i guess taken up the motto of brain train .. gain ..

and now thanks to friends like Liz and Chris . however i must understand that Chris has problems and i do not wish to compund these with my own . to work that is so important in all manner of ways .. to feeling great . great mental health . to great physical health . to great spirits to family and Mum and Susannah to teachers Andrew Rose and Jll to angels like Liz . to laughter and tears to music to the internet to toys and phones to a roof over my head to sleep to breakfast lunch to tea to dinner to waking up to shops to exercise to tai chi to Qi Qong to Yoga to the albemarle center to books to senses and limbs to being sober single to being a non smoker to good luck to good fortune to good neighbours good landlords to vitamins and medicine to heating and hobbies to art to my garden ..

and so to tonight . reading and the fact that time has not stopped . it is now November . and getting on . i hope that my health improves .. and that today was a reflex to the scot in me .. and not a step towards the dare i say funny farm .. which it might be . if i let things slip .

one thing interests me. how i have somehow woken up again . . all because of a woman . a scot . and i find her absolutely fascinating . she has so much wisdom . like her apraisal of the church on Sunday . she called it sick and you know there were a great deal of sick there . ..

however surely that speaks for so many churchs these days . or am i being blind . all it takes is a few well placed words and i am quite easily hooked . running after others who are more than wise . and wishing that things were different . or perhaps the same once more perhaps !

Posted by ecomill at 7:27 PM GMT

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Mood:  happy

i woke early 07.15 AM before i knew it .. and started my morning routine of tai chi for an hour or so . and then uderstood that i had to run . in order to get to work at 08.30AM well . nearly !! and after an hour or so i did my usual snooze for an hour or so . waking thankfully at past 11.30AM mnn !! to the chorus of Clare and the gang . book club . i decided to stay and enjoyed the critique of madame Bovary interesting . if only i could take my eyes away from places that i now know very little about ... the story of this woman seemed interesting enough and the company was cordial . we finished at before 12.00PM and i chose to stay a little longer until lunch called . and i was happy to make it to my flat and have a little something . and so as things turned out i made it to the swimming pool by 02.00PM and had a swim and sauna . nice to chat with Hannah and ballet Manon in particular . oh well . now things were not all rosy and i thought that a run with the guys Tim and Paul would shake things up a bit . and i guess it helped . a little .. and after a quick shop and a great oportunity to chat with a few people Martin in particular who is going to an old haunt . Torbay . lovely !!!

and so upon returning home and a filling slice of home cooking the evening flashed by . till now

now i should do something about these Fridays . i seem to fold like a pack of cards . after work the proverbial snooze . troubled and fitfull .. yes Jane is interesting and yet is the peace of mind center a place that i feel comfortable well no .

and now it is dark and yet i feel different to yesterday . a warmth fills me from the inside . i guess that i have relaxed a great deal and yes it must be that Friday feeling . or at least the absense of any symptoms . that only a mere few hours ago injured me greatly .. i suppose that i hoped that the absense of stress would help matters  .and that the swimming pool and all that it means would pull me from the blackness that seemed this time to hang at my heels  .. yes Amanda Dixon is right . the pain i feel at times is only a passing episode and ends as swiftly as it begins . and yet .. i imagine this kind of trouble always passes .. thankfully

now to the highlight of the day ..

runnning a good race

work and the freedom to sing for almost an hour .. Don't cry for me Argentina !!!

enjoying the book club .. entertaining .

Posted by ecomill at 7:07 PM BST

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