this evening seems to be travelling all along it's own trajectory .. yes the day has been and gone .. and yes i began as usual tao .. then Friday closed in on itself .. swimming and a walk to the allotment photos etc brought me back to the emptiness of life in a small town .. yet there was wonder all about me . friends and ease .. something new .. composting and drums ..

so as a simple day time register for my own  use ..

wake up at around 06.30 am .. up by before 07 00 and off we go .. tai chi and shops work till gone 10.00 am and home to a meditation and breakfast .. 

lunch was simple more shopping .. work and eating .. 

from 01.00 pm onwards a walk in the cold to the allotment .. and back for swimming .. finishing at 04.00 pm

good to see Ahmud .. talked some about various topics . let the art ride a bit .

home and preparation for something to eat .. fantastic hungry and all done by gone 05.30PM 

then a new thing .. drumming .. to the beat in my head and heart mm my mind turns to wood .. and points out in a hundred directions ..from my belly my energy center .

so i guess that i have enough energy to tackle things like fear

 thanks to waking up . to shops to work to work mates to gifts to people like  Mark to  Clare to Andew to Sue .. to good luck to great fortune to good overal health to great spirits to being paid to money in the bank to good food to a roof over my head to family to friends Ahmud to hobbies to laughter tears to music to comedy to medicine to sense & limbs to all those who are aiding me in this troubled time to good neighbors to good landlords to teachers to places like the albemarle center to staplegrove hall to Priorswood hall also to meditation to exercise to drumming to composting to phones to toys to Mind to peace of mind to money in the bank 

to the weekend to books . 

to help with  living 

Posted by ecomill at 6:17 PM GMT

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Mood:  a-ok

reading can be a great step forward . depending upon the book .. reading about saints is not something i do however this one was different .. a tibetan divine madman.. great ..

now for the day as it's worth will soon become apparent ..

woke late dreaming 2 dreams .. wrote them down .. . and got up .. around 09.30 am great shakes

60 mins of tai chi till past 10.00 am and i was done .. breakfast and  dream diary .. till near on lunch time .

meditation and  something good to eat .. and of course work for an hour .. till the early afternoon .. 

home and a snooze .. til 02. 30
and an afternoon with Chris Gobey .. great sunshine and great laughs .

beside the lakes ..

mid afternoon and home .. whereupon i looked on ebay to see how busy . not so ..

no one biting . 15 mins of tai chi 

swimming for 45 mins
and a sauna steam . great to see everyone ..

and home and something to eat .. mn

and that is that ..

thanks to

good overal health good luck to good fortune to good neighbours  to good landords to famiy to work to work mates to friends to sense limbs and laughter tears to comedy to music to toys to being paid to exercise to meditation to gardens to tv to radio to great spirits to a roof over  my  head to phones to money in the bank to sleep to the weekend to art to hobbies to good food to saunas to steam to good weather to all those who are aiding me at this time .. 

there is a calm now .. the day has come and gone .. the people have been and gone .. the talk is finished for now .. we sit andyg easy .. and yet all this is mine .. the clouds pass by the samediffer thny e  sun has shone the same to wind has blown .. the illusion is becoming real .. do i believe that this is any different to any other day .. this calm this satisfaction .. this could be the last time i don't know .. oh no .. this evening is like any evening .. one in a million . or two .. only it is me i have shaped this particular event .. and given it special significance .. where in truth there is none .. no end no begiinning .. and all is becoming illusion .. only the cries of men can give this day it's place within my heart .. the cries and whispers of common tears .. credo . 

Posted by ecomill at 7:26 PM BST

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Mood:  a-ok

reading can be a great step forward . depending upon the book .. reading about saints is not something i do however this one was different .. a tibetan divine madman.. great ..

now for the day as it's worth will soon become apparent ..

woke late dreaming 2 dreams .. wrote them down .. . and got up .. around 09.30 am great shakes

60 mins of tai chi till past 10.00 am and i was done .. breakfast and  dream diary .. till near on lunch time .

meditation and  something good to eat .. and of course work for an hour .. till the early afternoon .. 

home and a snooze .. til 02. 30
and an afternoon with Chris Gobey .. great sunshine and great laughs .

beside the lakes ..

mid afternoon and home .. whereupon i looked on ebay to see how busy . not so ..

no one biting . 15 mins of tai chi 

swimming for 45 mins
and a sauna steam . great to see everyone ..

and home and something to eat .. mn

and that is that ..

thanks to

good overal health good luck to good fortune to good neighbours  to good landords to famiy to work to work mates to friends to sense limbs and laughter tears to comedy to music to toys to being paid to exercise to meditation to gardens to tv to radio to great spirits to a roof over  my  head to phones to money in the bank to sleep to the weekend to art to hobbies to good food to saunas to steam to good weather to all those who are aiding me at this time .. 

Posted by ecomill at 7:10 PM BST

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Mood:  a-ok

so this day has been an eye openner .. yes i started a little late taking in doctors advice to take things easy  still wondering about that .. and so after waking up at around 09.30 i was out shopping for breakfast and completed my tai chi by 11.30 am .. great i thought i would go out and draw etc .. and as walked through the town with the sunshine uppn my back i was pleasantly struck by the sight of Sarah a good friend of mine .. we began chatting & somehow against all things regular we went to a bar and had a lemonade .. that's right i must admit that bars are not normally on my agenda and yet there we were at past 02.00 pm still talking .. a pleasant and very agreeable afternoon .. and a first for me i must admit ..

the rest of the afternoon was spent photographing the local cafes .. and around 03.00 i was ready to go swimming .. so 45 mins of swimming and a sauna later i was ready for the evening yoga . thanks to Rose the lesson went well .. and i have enjoyed my chip supper no end

thanks i guess have to go to waking up to shops to exercise.. to meditation to good food to home sweet home to gardens to good luck to good fortune to good overal health to great spirits to friends to medicine to work to work mates to being paid to hobbies to laughter tears to comedy to music to teachers books to Andrew Jill Rose to the Albemarle center .. to lessons to chips . to voluntary work .. 

to all those who are aiding me now in these times of healing .. to good neighbours good landlords to money in the bank . 

to toys to phones to art to presents gladly recieved  

strangely i find that today has once again shown me how good fortune is so difficult to record . there seems so little to attach ones thoughts or emotions to .. can one say that a pleasant afternoon spent in idle chatter is an agreeable subject upon which to write .. ?

the day has shown iitself open to suggestion i admit . and if i were to  record that going to a pub in these times was an adventure you would think me a very odd fish indeed .. and i shall admit that i am possibly just so ..

i guess that you might consider the act that so out of character was on my behalf an admission of some hidden motive  and you would be right .. the very act of going to a place where i have such a low  opinon .
was on my behaf a simple act of self acceptance .. i am aware that if one makes an issue of such a simple little act as going where there is enjoyment albeit through alcohol the scene is set for some very embarrasing moments .. if the high horse upon which you are seated decides to revert back to previous behaviour .. i have been a student i have drank from dawn till dawn on many occasions and had the luck of never being bothered by the other affects of such stuff 

and yet since the onset of ill health and a lack of any partner or close  friend the idea of entering a public house has filled me with dread .. i fact any place where there is business takes my breath away.. and so when this very dear girl suggested that we go .. my heart leaped somewhat .. however as time passed i began to enjoy our time together .. my false preconceptions were dashed thankfully .. no alcohol played a part .. and i relaxed thanks to the close proximity of a fair and genteel young woman ..  i have not had such a relaxing enjoyable and above all lovely time as i have today .. 

the conversation went well and i learned that the silences were a bonus an opportunity to take in the world .. we played games .. and so once again the world is a better place for such places .. the english pub.. is now a changed animal ..from being a terrifying beast to fairness incarnate .. my opinions are forever changed .. we departed friends .. closer and hopefully with a greater respect for each other 

good news . yoga meditation gave me a gift .. one that i was not expecting .. a bull . and how i smiled .. what joy .. oh what inner peace  

Posted by ecomill at 8:31 PM BST

Updated: Wednesday, 16 September 2009 9:09 PM BST

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Mood:  bright

ok so the message is in the wording .. bright .. the last time i was bright . my situation changed rather rapidly .. bright can sometimes mean too bright rather over the top .. hopes are again set high and  alas the tumble into real world issues follows ..soon after .. a warning i suppose

however today i have began to take a stand .. leaving commnents in the field of technology .. thanks to the Guardian online newspaper .. i never would have concieved of a day when i became the sort of person to write a letter to the editor sort of thing .. letter to the times .. mmnnwell not one but two .. i imagine that this will run it's course .  

now to the day

i woke around 0700 and prepared for the day . tai chi and some yoga .. approaching the depression aspect .. back bends .. etc and headed out to shop then work .. where i was till 10.20 taking pictures of vegetables .. for the food Co Op .. that is associated with mind .. i left feeling good photos are fun aren't they .. 

after fixing a few of the photos i can't believe it but i slept .. from around 11.30 after a long meditation to around 0200 Pm .. great  

now to the afternoon .. swimming from 03.30 till 05.00 and then home and the guardian .. tech blog .. two comments left ..

now cooking up some grub ..

nice to bump into Jason and Gimp 2 plus documentation . via Jem ..

 and so the day has flown by . swimming was fun and good to see a few familiar faces .. Russel .. etc 

and a new take on things .. the museum of the computer ..

all this high powered stuff .. reminded me of Alan and more acutely Sussanna ..

now to thanks

to waking up to good luck to good fortune to good overal health to the weekend to work to work mates to meditation to tai chi etc yoga to being paid to gardens to good food to hobbies to toys to blogs etc to the guardian  to teachers to college to swimming to running to good weather to sauna steam etc to laughter tears comedy to music to family to friends to sense limbs etc to books to medicine to all those who are aiding me now . to good neighbours to good landlords to money in the bank to a roof over my head to good spirits to travel to email to phones to rest .. reiki to help with iving etc 

Posted by ecomill at 7:20 PM BST

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Mood:  hungry

today has had it's moments. yes the morning left me exhausted as does every Friday . and yet a good long nap helped matters considerably .. and the afternoon went by like a shot. both with some very interesting opponents . the four of us are in the middle of playing diplomacy ..and although sweaty and stressful it proved to be a great afternoon ..

and after ? well a swim one mile of fun .. and a chance to listen in on some guys discussing work sauna time .

I  woke early and was up by 07.05 and out by 08.15 well there was tai chi 60 mins of easing into the day .. 

now once i was at work things went ok .. lovley singiing along to my favourite band great !!

now once home by 10.30 i needed some rest big time and slept unti around 12.20 PM or so .. and managed some housework . till around 01.30 PM . 

diplomacy from before 02.00 till gone 03.30 great fun .. even if somewhat sweaty ..

and from 04.00 a swim and sauna till 05.30 PM

tea is late today and the sun is shining .. great ..

reading some handy hints on victory .. trying not to be too geeky .. 

and now the evening is doing it's best to cheer me up ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:21 PM BST

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Mood:  chatty

another day that seems to have found its own .. highs and lows .. i guess that i might imagine that things are getting better .. if that is at all possible ..

woke early and did the usual .. slow tai chi... nice and easy .. ready  for work .. by 08.20 mnn yes i felt good .. stuck at it for an hour or so .. and was home by 10.00 am lovely ok so i went home ..and practiced some reiki . till 11.00 am . mnn and after, a clean of the flat .. that took me to lunch . early lunch ..12.00 and after . a swim . and sauna .. a lesson .. talked to a chap Paul who helped me face some home truths .. about myself .  and my work .. what i think about my work .. and who i am doing it for .and why .. 

yes i swam ..plus the idea of seeing how to draw manga anime etc well i had to return to Mind .. where a spent a wonderful time chatting with Mark and friends .. found the book and left by 03.20 or so. 

 the run went well slow but sure .. we returned by around 05.00 and i am still feeling the effects now .. shopped and met some friends .. Bob Innis and Elaine .. and now i am at home .. resting .. 

i wonder has it been too long now .. for  love .. well i guess the kind of love has changed .. the fringed pink so to speak .. i don't think that i could share a place with another .. or even go out on a regular basis .. and trying to do all those jobs around the house .. mnn what am i left with .!!

writing and yoga ..

thanks to waking up good food tai chi work and work mates to being paid to a roof over my head to great luck fortune to great mental health overal health to good spirits to good neighbors grand landlords family friends toys phones to sense limbs etc to laughter music tears comedy to help with living to rent paid to vitamins .. medicine to hobbies to gardens to being sober a non smoker to being single . to the people who are helping me through this tough time in my life .. to shops 

 and now the weekend awaits .. 

Posted by ecomill at 6:04 PM BST

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Mood:  bright

and so it is  Friday and that feeling again . yes i have been foolish. and i guess that now i can rest .. alone yes and yes i know in grave  danger .. so keeping busy shaking the tree ..

 and now to this day .. i woke early and was up by 07.10AM whereupon i started my tai chi lasting only 60 mins or so yes there was yoga involved also . and so by 0815AM i was ready for the day. i went shopping and went to work and to be fair that went well very well .. and i was done by 09.45AM whereby i began phase 2 and for an hour i meditated and then i guess did some more till past 11.15l AM or so . after i considered joining the others .. and spent the next hour or so showing pictures..  of space to Andrew and Nick plus a story that had caught my eye an asteroid for sale and a virtual one at that ..being involved in mind on a Friday morning come lunch time is quite stressful and i started to feel rather confused the breadth of talk talk was getting to me and i employed the cognitive therapy routines that i had learned over the months . asking others questiions can be helpful .. semantics works .. grey thinking whereby something is neither black or white .. Nick's answer helped a great deal .. just being at mind is stressful . pinpointed the problem . and instead of using infllamatory language to describe how i felt i toned it down to what it was infact .. less stress all round .. and so by around lunch time or 12.30 PM i was feeling ok .. not quite there but well on the way .. 

now upon arriving home i chirrped up as lunch was ready and i ate well .. swimming after and a sauna where i met some familiar  faces and felt rather silly describing what was going on in my mind ah well she was very attractive and well calling her a doctor went down well .. anyhow i learned that it is better to speak slow and think fast .. and after well home and home work more css this time pseudo class and their ovelyuse in unordered lists .. somehow the afternoon went by like a flash .. and it was getting on for 4.00PM so i finished up with some guitar scales and headed for hte open door .. a run till 05.00PM and a bite to eat after . lovely

and now well it's past 06.00PM and the day is still with us grey d yet still light .. my eyes are ok .. and the silence is punctuated by the sound of the town .. a distant rumble and the sound of generators ..od 

thanks to waking up good luck to good fortune good mental health to great physical health great spirits to good landlords great neighbours to help with living help with rent Drs and Nurses people like Rose and Amanda Dixon to Rachel to vitamins to medicine to a roof over my head to swimming to tai chi to peace of mind to work to mates to friends to toys to phones to gardens to being paid to art to hobbies to shops to being sober a non smoker to being single to music to comedy to laughter to tears to senses limbs to tv to radio to g ames online to email ..online news to books and to teachers like Andrew Rose to the albemarle center to the weekend and to rest and relaxarion 

yes i think that owning a rock or asteroid is quite cool and yet all it is a website. a file somewhere on a server ..and to be honest it is like playing the stock market . you buy x amount of iron ore and hope that the amount you paid is less than the return you recieve .. putting a nigtclub on top is merely a chat room ... so no great shakes then .. 

and onwards still light dusk yes but still you can see the grey clouds . and it is past 06.00PM

highs have been the run .. and strangely the afternoon spent on learning some css .. and the low well i would have to say my time at peace of mind . although it did make me turn to the cognitive therapy book and sort out what was on my mind .. and it worked . so to be fair not a bad day .. 

and to put things into perspective the picture of the planets and the ones of the universe were amazing .. so small and my problems well to be quite fair what problems .. yes i have them but others like poor Danial have a terrible time and i do truly feel for them .. 

Posted by ecomill at 6:28 PM GMT

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Mood:  blue

today is quite the norm upon closer examination ..Playing for me is something quite new .. and i guess miistakes along the way and all that . some very interesting points throughout the course of the day.. and i imagine that the best ones are here now ..

waking up this morning i felt like organizing the day ahead before i got up . and so by 07.15 AM i was up and ready to go .. with of course ta chi to begin . an hour or so of yet another chance to perfect the left and the right sides of the yang form ..

of course i needed to shop for breakfast and headed off confident of a good day . knowing that i had done the work on Saturday .. always a nice thought on a Monday morning . I arrived at peace of mind at around 08.30AM and helped Maggi . whilst i felt that somehow i had to get down to it .even though Mark and Jo Rose etc were there .. we talked for some minutes concerning Mark's new flat and Jo gave him a house warming present.. the morning i must admit began to quicken and i was stil busy by the time it meant for me to be at the albemarle center &  a yoga session with Rose .. this went ok . i suppose and i certainly will remember the word .. attitude ..it is all in the way you see things . half full .. and reactions .. well i find that i hang on every word of Rose's and if life throws you a curve ball a googlie well it's all in the way you deal with these things life events are there to be interpreted and laughter is a great healer . if you can laugh at life well . what is there to be frightened of .regret nothing .. and me well i just dig in and take what wisdom i can whilst seeing the positive .. like the SAS man who climbed a  mountain .. he smoked adn saw this as an advantage .. well this is a secret .. see everything as providing you with the opportunity . see the positive .. if one day black well that is good for sleep another day blue good for sunny weather .. if life throws you rotten eggs .. use them as batting  practice .. that 's enough of cricket .

anyhow after yoga i found time to talk . about the weatherto Sylvia and Fran to Simon and to Sarah . above all Sarah .. and yes i was determined to make her laugh . and what a laugh . quite deep for a young woman and i did notice that having a child means living with different rules . staying late and slowing down .. whilst it was delightful to talk with Rose and gret to see Jo who might join the yoga group . great .

and after well more cognitive therapy and something that made me frightened . the three images found in strange places .. Jesus God and the virgin Mary well i applied the routine of identifying and writing my feelings and thoughts down whilst applying the analysis and to be honest i felt so much better .. the process works and i shall apply it again and again whilst reading more of this very fine book ..

on books i chose a new book by Ian M Banks Excession and read the 1st chapter very interesting and readable . leaving work by around 01.00PM ish and going home for lunch .. now i was looking forwards to my sauna and this time i swam for 25 mins whilst meeting Kate and another woman who i recognized from Frendh Weir . however . we chatted and i then recalled how long it has been .. and of course then the anxiety began . however i pulled my socks up and headed home for some Html training . that lasted until 05.30PM

shopping done i made myself a tea and got to grips with a few thoughts on the subject of love . through my notebook and twitter .. in a cognitive style ..

now it is past 07.10 PM and the day is all but spent .. as am I .. here are a few highs . and lows

telling my joke Sarah and the important thing . her reaction .. a deep laugh wonderful. to be honest i had a few doubts about the yoga session however on the whole if there is one thing to learn . humility and caution . yoga does not mean an easier . ride by no means

having my sauna . feeling completely at ease .. with woman Kate etc

sorting out the fears that i experienced concerning QI . i genuinely felt better and do now .

Lows the afternoon from around 04.30PM . after meeting Kate and being at home . online . and learning . good though i did learn a thing or two . how search engines see header tags . or headings . as a way to catalogue a sight ..

oh and how tags have attributes . 

and so after tea which was simple and delicious.. things are getting back to normal .. yes i still feel bad . but i know how to apply a techinque that sees my twisted thoughts and lets me make more sense of them using more logical pathways .  i imagine that it is simply a way of cooling off and applying more rational ways of seeing the situation ..

now to thanks

waking up this morning good luck to good fortune to great mental health to good physical health . grand spirits to tai chi yoga work and work mates Mark etc to Rose and other teachers Andrew eg . and people like Sarah who show me the way to be .. to learning onliine the internet to email to vitamins to medicine to good neighbours good lanldords to family to laughter tears and comedy to musc to radio tv to being sober single and a non smoker to breakfast lunch to tea to warmth on cold night to skills and education to hobbies to voluntary work to Chris and Janet to reading to my garden to sleep to senses limbs etc to shaving and showers to swimming again to the albemarle center to phones to friends to all those people who help me Drs Nurses and Amanda Dixon Rachel and Roddha to saunas to poems to barbers and to meditation and toys to good exercise

that is about it . and all there is is to wish all those i know or have met safe keeping and good fortune .

Posted by ecomill at 7:30 PM GMT

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Mood:  hug me

so the day has been and evening is here . things are getting clearer. And that has got to be a plus! . now to the day . Twitter is something that grows on you . A sense of equality among those who twitter .. we all are given equal share and that is that . simple and at times interesting..

now to the day . i woke early 07.00AM and was up and doing my tai chi till just gone 08.00AM .. breakfast and work by 08.15 AM well i sang today something of my own and was done by 20 mins past .. nice to do a good job .. and then as is my wont . time out and some meditation .. that took me to around mid morning .. with more tai chi around 30 mins or so .. and then part 2 of the cognitive therapy.. where i discovered a few things ..

to start i am not very good at trusting people .. negative thinking .. mind reading! Sonia certainly got the brunt of it .. in my state of mind i considered the possiblity of my computer footprint being hacked by those others who use the same computer . none of us have seperate accounts . and yet i was being over cautious as most people don't have a clue.. and so i sat and reasoned with myself for a minute .. so as to calm my fears .

yes i took part in a few tests concerning anxiety and depression .. it seems that I am slightly both ..anxious and depressed .. and yet the situation has seen an improvement over the week ... largely due to my takiing action on a few matters that need not worry me .. thanks to Bob and Amanda Rachel . the CAB and myself and the talk that i had with Mum .. Oh and of course Andrew and the men's group on the Wednesday.. that day was the turning point . and i have felt an improvement since then ..

now after my therapy session .. i was feeling quite good and after some quick blasts of the lion .. Anger management !! A treat that almost made me cry .. and certainly made my heart do some turns .. Edith Piaf the second part .. and yes i am not a movie buff and yet the commentary from Clare was a comfort .. and at times i felt my heart go out to her .. although i did have Andrew's words of wisdom .. take it or leave it .. my man . no hurry no scurry no worry .. my man !!

and so after a brief chat with Bob around 01.00PM i left for lunch and an afternoon swim ... oh and before that .. a chance to get to grips and play with microsoft word .. 2008 . very interesting and easy however the website is gonna take a bit of time so i can code it .. although i liked the look that you could create in next to no time .. well done ..and so by 03.00PM i was ready to swim and sauna . . met Kim and had a chat . swam for maybe 30 mins or more and finished by 05.00PM now i was still feeling somewhat anxious . and so played my game of spot the letters/numbers etc and this helped me see these feelings in their proper light .. whilst at the checkout . i chose to challenge myself and stood next to a mum and toddler .. where upon i started to add up the prices of the chocolate.. however better was to come .. a girl whom i thought seemed approachable was behind me in the queue . and i started a conversation . about swimming and past times .. well this worked a treat .. the whole thing was quite memorable and i felt so good i thought it wise just in time to compliment the cashier .. aswell .. beauty being more that skin deep .. I left feeling very good about myself and all signs of anxiety gone ..

now after well i hurried home and remembered that even 10 or 15 mins makes all the difference and so started on some bass guitar practice . Brian Eno would have been proud . and the eveing meal was delicious .. chicken cooked and everything piping hot ..

i read a bit of twitter and some emails that made me chuckle whilst the Bud Ads are funny the virus named work was even more so ..

the evening is still and as a matter a fact so am I counting the seconds of inner quiet .. peaceful even ..as sometimes happens these days . ahh !

thanks to waking up this morning . tai chi toys work and work mates SCC and friends to warmth on a cold night to shops to breakfast lunch and dinner to good cooking to laughter and tears to comedy and music to film to peace of mind to my garden to being single and sober and a non smoker to the internet to email to phones to family to good luck to good fortune to good neighbours to great landlords to great mental health to grand physical health to good spirits to therapy to tv to radio to DVD to a roof over my head to help with living rent paid to people like Kim to swimming and saunas to yoga to meditation to teeth and hair to new friends to vitamins and medicine to Drs and nurses Rachel and Amanda to hobbies to books and teachers Andrew and Rose to fellow yogis and yoginis.. and to senses and limbs and to the weekend .

today has had it's highs and lows

Connecting with Clare.  the film Edith Piaf .

the Look on Kim's face when talking about work .. i felt like slinking off . shameful of what i could not quite grasp.. something to do with the rat race  . I don't know

that moment when you realize that the blues have been chased away simply by talking with someone in the queue at th supermarket .

and the sadness that you couldn't take that person home .

the realization that one has slight anxiety and the blues .. although this again made me understand that looking at these things is best .. the next time i take the tests will be different .. and anyhow this has been understandable and once looked at i also understood that i am getting better .. the glass is most defiinitly half full ..

and now that moment of silence and stillness .. both outside and in .. i sat and no thought passed my mind for a long time ..

and so it is with this thought .. i am going to sign off .. and put the heating on . it's gonna be a cold night

Posted by ecomill at 7:41 PM GMT

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