Ok if you are reading this . year 0.. well .today has me now deeply involved in the treatment of my disease .. .. and so as a method of treating this i have enclosed from now on a precise record of my diet . exercise . art therapy drumming painting drawing music appreciation etc  .. go wild initiative . (allotment) & swimming tai chi Qi Qong .. meditation . mindfulness & yoga ..

diet . a new start .. looking at the right kind of foods for me .. wholefoods . rice .. vegetables .. Oily fish etc .. avoiding sugars ..

Orthomolecular therapy .. vitamins in large doses . especially niacin . as a means to repair the tissues damaged ..

so here we are ..

today I begin ..

health today .. i would say was poor .. however i did find that there was a few moments of deep calm ..where no matter how i tried to "ruin " the moment . i was still calm .. lasting perhaps 25 minutes .. where i literally could not or did not need to think .. however these moments are very few indeed.. also what made it even more interesting was that this period of calm. the eye of the storm . was in the middle of a busy Saturday afternoon . 03.30 pm 04.00pm  

evening meal .. whole grained rice .. baby corn .. mangetout . mackeral steamed . ghoats cheese .. & a simple italian sauce .. Afterwards a handful of walnuts . 

vitamin supplements .. 1000mg niacin .. vitamin C .. 2000 mg .. B6 .. 200 mg .. 

2000 ug folate folic acid ..  vitamin e .. 800 iu .. vitamin b complex ..vitamin B 12 1000ug

(phone call to mum .. talked for a long time as she has today been suffering from food poisioning . pork defrosted microwave .. ouch ) 

07.00pm .. feeling good ..

trip to the allotment... where i will spuddle around a bit .. read my book ..  Ian M Banks .. Matter .. & later around 08.00pm .. practice some tai chi .. something that i have done on a regular basis for .. some 10 years .. 4 years in a class .. an hour or so before sunset .. 

 returned home . feeling like I had seen the best of the day .. nice sunset .. & yoga till 09.45 pm . 

decided to watch a movie . Citizen Kane .. till 10.30pm.. who is this character .  interesting reminded me of myself .. taken away from home as a boy .. same reasons as Kane .. kicked out of colleges .. same as Kane .. went into the newspaper business .. same as Kane .. pondered about the ways of the world ..  women.. etc etc etc . reminded of the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy .. the answer was .. 42 .. what was the question ? 

last words "rose bud"  ..  who is citizen kane ? an inigma inside a connundrum .. 

anyhow . bed time . feeling ill at ease .. as there is so much more to see ..  

Posted by ecomill at 5:13 PM BST

Updated: Saturday, 30 April 2011 10:41 PM BST

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Mood:  hungry

I dont know how to go on ..so I guess that i shall have to be somewhat more truthful with myself .. being invited to a new friends house was a big step for me . and yet somehow in being so invited i could not but help feel like a small child .. imagine a man of 43 years feeling in such a way ..

we agreed to meet at our usual spot .. the local swimming  pool and as i felt that the experience may cause me no end of stress i arrived early and swam for some time .. to get myself together so to speak ..

Our meeting was i hoped to be aimable and yet the fact that i was being invited left me feeling overwhelmed .. our conversation was stilted ..and to be honest i began to feel somewhat nervous of what this person would be in real life and not just the happy go lucky guy that i considered him to be be 

terror struck as our conversation changed to matters that i felt were all laden with what i had found in the man .. I suppose that i believed that he would be the same outside as he was inside .. and yet this was not to be

i soon found myself being treated like a child . finding that the simplest things were too much for me .. we left the swim pool and headed over the railway bridge .. my nerves were slowly giving way .as i began to understand that the addage is true .. this person seemed to change before my eyes .and yes so was i .. unable to contain my nerves clutdhing at straws .. not able to see what was infront of me

We walked and i became more and more anxious . This man began to increase in stature . from the rather simple image that  m had of him to a confident .. free flowing spirt that shocked me into retreat .. 

my childlike state was so obvious to me . i did not know what to say what to do what to think .. nothing but anxiety seemed to bubble up

i found that i was repeating old means of speech .. discovering that fears that i had considered gone surfaced once again in a way that i felt were merely beneath the surface . 

from the horror of ugliness to the violence inside my wounded self ..  i feel repelled now of the reactions that seemed to bubble up with so much ease .. the kitchen became a dangerous space .. a part of me rebellled to the face of this wonderful person who was showing me so much hospitlality .. i cant tell you how awful it felt to feel insulted by som much kindness .. 

my mind turned blank .. i did not know what to do ..  the televison  reminded me of something that once more repelled my senses ..  the talk was of money and houses .. and here i was surrounded by the most opulant beauty .. right from the floor . i was being shown a dream .. the pictures on the wall ... to the stucco art on the ceiling .. even the smell of cooked food .. took me to places that i can barely recal . yet reminded me somehow of my lack .. the situation soon became apparent that i was not going to stay for dinner .. i once more tried to become more intiimate and discovered that once i had found that we shared something in common .. childhood .. i could only descirbe the past .. that means nothing if only a reminder of countless pain .. why i wonder did this thing this simple invitation . become an excuse to talk about past hurts past pride .. stories that are as i have found .. to be merely more thought . more inaccuracy .. 

I guess that today i have discovered how far i have come along this path and how far i have to go ..

perhaps dinner comes after more truth .. yet the more my host accomoded me the more i felt impelled to react within my own anxiety .. like a child feeling goaded on to challenge his environmnent .. to test the boundaries .. like a son and his father .. i looked around and considered all that surrounded me to be .. what i would have for myself .. from the floor boards to the ceiling.. I simply did not know what to do ..

now to the day ..

i woke early and began the day as i always to do .. with a shop and a breakfast .. consisting of dates .. and an apple .. an hour of tai chi had me feeling ready for the day ahead .. 

somehow today has not been all that it could have been .. yes i practiced mindfulness half an hour of relaxation like a top up to the resting account so to speak

this took me mid morning .. 

I hoped that by keeping  in touch with Mind and those with whom i work with i would feel somewhat more included and chatting with Mark was a great way to feel this .. 

we talked of the allotment and the Co Op . of the upcoming holiday 10 weeks of rest ..  not his idea of a good time .. and i agree with him .. work if anything is a great way to channel one's energy .. 

we parted company and i headed to the supermarket for some lunch ..  .. strangely enough i was to discover that once again my mind was larger than i considrered .. and that i needed help .. 

once more..

i chose to spend the afternoon once i had share d my  experience with my Mum about how things were .. at the allotment .. where i guess i had a good bit olf luck .. centruy

seeing Rod was a great way to rest easy ..  i feel comfortable with these old timers .. and the talk is easy .. garden tools .. weather .and the like 

yes we talked of the changing weather .. that seems to have gone back to the days of the turn of the century .. cold winters etc nothing doing till Easter .. and to the wonders of cheap garden tools .. from places like Morrisons no less .. 

the talk turned to watches and old sea dog tales

once again i hoped to find some kiind of  grace or solace in the garden ..and to be fair i was not disappointed ..

once i had cleared up a bit from yesterday's pruning of the gooseberry bushes i started on the brambles and found that the work had been done  and so turned my attention to the grapes that i so enoyed back in the late Summer . and so employing the techniques i had learned from Kim i began in earnest to prune and train the grape vine .. something i enjoyed more than i would care to admit.. 

then a chap ushered me to listen  he introduced himself as Cyrril .. and began to talk about varius things one such topic being how he had built the various buildings i saw before me ..

yes  he had a friend who sadly is now in a home with dementia and whom he had helped with the gardening right up to the last few days .. we talked or at least i listened to his acquired wisdom . reminding myself that i had more freedom than i at first believed .. the stream dries up in Summer .. the soil is clay and yet with grit .. one can make something of it .. 

putting it bluntly these men are gardeners yes .. and engineers too .. building upon their plots  out houses .. etc . with whatever comes to hand

i left the allotment around 03.00 pm and headed to the pool .. changed and managed a few lengths .. till Ahmud arrived .. and the sittuaton presented itslf concerning my social phobias etc ..

and so to thanks

waking up to good luck to good fortune to good landlords to good neighbours to good food to hobbies to friends to family to toys to the internet to good overal health to all those who are aiding me in this troubled time to work to work mates to being paid to sleep to sense and limbs to laughter tears to comedy to music to books to medicine to teachers to fellow students to art to good weather to teeth to hair to exercise to meditation to saunas to good spirits to help with living to places like the Albemarle Center to Staplegrove Hall to warmth on a cold night .. 

 to days like these .. that remind you .. of the friends you have .. and that there is no one more loved than your mum ..

today has had it's highs and it' s lows .. yes the allotment means a great deal .. meeting Cyrril was a stroke of luck .. the weather and the company .. was a great mix .. training grapevines ..

the low was feeling unwell in Ahmud's home and having to make my excuses ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:00 PM GMT

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Mood:  d'oh

amazing how the day flies by .. when you are in pain .. yes from mid afternoon till early evening my day started to implode .. quite drastically .. yes we are talking about constipation ..and i was not even 100% aware of it .. i even had plans to watch a good movie .. Merchant of Venice . god what a movie that is .. i love shakespear .. probably the most grown up beautiful and iconic of all entertainment .. the themes are bang up to date .. the language is poetic and filled with meaning upon meaning .. there is something for everyone .. rich or poor .. whatever class .. and what i love most and find most interesting the fact that all his words are completely open to interpretation .. oh lord yes this is genius and so much of it ..

any how Shakespear aside .. i instead had to contend with a stomach ache and a bout of constipation that lead me to the nearest supermarket to buy a softener .. well upon arriving home  and having taken the absurd potion  I am pleased to say that the emergency was over within an hour or so . with the added bonus of now i am aware that my diet has not been at it's optimum .. and that i have been constipated for some time .. although apparently not in the classic sense .. lentils from now on 

so to the day .. where i began well .. feeling wel and rested .. yes there was tai chi and afterwards work and after that home and a swim and sauna .. till gone 02.00 pm .. and then of course my memory begins to fade .. as the pain increased yes that was iit .. website attending ..and a strange lack of control on my behalf. it seems as if the site has a will of its own .. mn 

and then of course come late afternoon a vain attempt to run off the bowel discomfort .. yes i have found in the past that a run gets things moving .. but not this time

and so from pillar to post i was getting desparate and a little worried .. buying a pill was my last resort and i am glad that i did .. yes dinner settled easily phew 

now it is late or at least it feels late and i need to rest

a short entry today

thanks to good luck to waking up to good fortune to good overal health . to good food indeed to hobbies to laughter tears comedy to music to shops to medicine to books to teachers to email to phones toys etc to skills learned to family to work to work mates to all those who are aiding me in this time of trouble to being paid to money in the bank meditation to exercise .. to good neighbours to good landlords to film to radio to tv to a roof over my head to good spirits to sense and limbs to sleep 

now to finish the past few day has seen me embrace a form of meditation that i find interesting .. to recognize the negativity within . being able to see the flame or blue light that symbolizes all that i find unacceptable within my being .. the change in my temperment one that sees a lessoning in my overal outer visage of contentment .. to a more adult frame of aceptance .. these negative emotions are neither mine to keep or mine to give away .. i am learning to be with my wholeness .. that and coming to accept my shadow in the form of a flame that i see as being a part of my own person but at the same time being an element apart .. neither eccepting nor rejecting . 

Posted by ecomill at 6:41 PM GMT

Updated: Saturday, 14 November 2009 6:58 PM GMT

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Mood:  d'oh

Amazing how things that are ongoing seem not to register after a while .. old news .. even the situation may still be ongoing .  now i hope that upon retrospective attenton matters are improving .. at least now i can look back upon situations that are quite hideous to contemplate and see how a "bad" day now would seem to be the norm ..  illness comes and goes .. and all i can do is hope that my lifestyle gives me a better chance of making it .. perhaps the worst is gone now . perhaps not ..  

this however is how i handled today ..

I woke early and yet managed to sleep in for an extra half  hour .. waking at 07.30 am .. after writing down my dream about Jim the gangster i got into my routine for work .. tai chi for an our or so .. till it was time to find something to eat ..i made this journey as quick as i could .. buying only milk soya milk at that .. 

and by 08.40 i was in work and busy .. at least until Rose arrived around 0910 great we chatted as old friends .. about what i could not say . and so by around 09.50 i was done .. making Clare a drink and being on my way .. still felt somewhat uneasy .. considering my place in the pack i suppose .. and somehow linking this with some kind of autism i have when considering where i stand .. 

however after an hour or so of  north yorkshire accentts where i chose to repeat endlessly the nams of Barnsley Wakefirld and some other such places i was happy in my own world .. until of course Clare & Rose started talking shop .. a guy not coming out of his room for years o end . well Wakefield soon became my euphamysm for work and Barnsley my name for a quick end to it all .. well a reminder of what hat to wear and when 

i was quite happy by near on 1000

now home and a rest sleep till 11.30 and a stab at  learning how to read a natal chart .. beginning with a circle and a few lines .. very impressive .. and yet this is when things began to go a little pear shaped .. i got to lesson 3 and was quite uncomfortable .. i went out for lunch around lunchtime and felt none too good .. a bit like when your body mind and soul are all saying words you don't want to hear .. and so to this is my first aiid kit .. 

stop .. what you are doing . take a break

had lunch after shopping

go do something like gardening .. i managed a great deal .. saw to the borders .. clean and tidy ..  talked to a neighbour .. and his dog .. all very emotionaly structuring .. making sure of where the soil ends and the paths begin .. emotional boundaries .. also i tested out my new tools .. and wondered about Sheila ..and her pots .. and what happened to the chair 

i finished with a few photos ..however sill felt a bit sickly 

meditate .. meditation gives the brain a pleasant stress buster .. resting it and yet keeping it occupied . 25 mins or so had me on the mend 

and to make sure a swim .. and a sauna

 40 mins swim and a sauna with some friends .. 

this seems to have done the trick .. whilst again being with the gang .. is a great way for me to feel included . no one wants to feel excluded at a time like this .. 

upon a quick shop i made it policy to have a good meal .. a reward for doing my best .

 now that is over .. time to say thanks

to waking up to good luck to good fotune to great overal health to good spirits to good food to toys to hobbies to good neighbours to good landlords to alll those who are aiding me in this time of trouble to a roof over my head to shops to mediciine to family to work to being paid to money in the bank to sense & limbs to laughter tears to musci to comedy to teachers to phones to sense limbs etc to work mates Rose etc Clare to clients to the internet to family to being a birthday boy to meditation to exercise to saunas to the albemarle center to half term to art 

and so that is it

one thing amazingly i don't feel like celebrating halloween .. the celtic new year .. it seems now like a political tool with which to bond a culturaly diverse nation such is America .. and yet it is my birthday .. swamped by gouls and ghosts .. horror sometimes is just not what i need . however there are quite a few countires that have 2 new years .. Israil etc .. one religous and the other civil .. so i guess that this is occuring here now .. or maybe i am being over sensitive to the whole hype it till it hurts syndrome that affects all our days now .. holidays are an integgral part of the economy .. and to be honest  .. it is amazing how religion and commercer merge into one whole .. marketing me responding to the squeals of delight from little consumers whose screams are then communicated to bread winner .. never have such little children had so much leverage .. and well why not .. i celebrated Halloween once in Torquey and had a ball .. costumes and make up .. i felt liberated .. like acting in a play .. brilliant .. but now at the age of 43 yrs .. well the meaning of life .. 43 .. mnn .. i guess

Posted by ecomill at 7:51 PM BST

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Mood:  don't ask

this weekend might as well not happened . yes this day the 09th of August is the 2 year mark .. of my little experiment .. orthomolecular  therapy.. mn and the jury is still not out yet .. could take another 2 or 3 maybe .

anyhow i have done little except the minimum .. had a great lunch .. and lots of sleep . some work  that i needed to do . and some time getting some fresh air .. 

apart from getting stuck in some principles .. i am ok ..

music still interests me .. and we are making our way towards the year 2000 mark ..

sun is out .. and so am i

thanks to all those people who are helping me .. to toys phones shops work being paid to clients to family to good overal health to medicine to sense and limbs to teachers to laughter tears comedy music to a roof over my head 

to good neighbours good landlords to  good food to

meditation to exercise 

Posted by ecomill at 6:54 PM BST

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Mood:  special

learn the lesson !! i have seen myself become too aloof .. and today  i have returned to meet the friends the people i thought in my folly were not good enough for me ..

and yes once i decided to embrace these people and to embrace peace of mind i knew that i am on the mend again ..it is a strange feeling recovery .. you feel a calm come over you .. you might flinch a little when you meet the odd oddball but this makes you feel rich in a way .. you approach the situation in a more human way .. instead of being frighteed or aloof you embrace your own inner nature .. you relax and when you accept the situation you begin to enjoy your time .

this has happened before .. and i hope that by recording the day's events i might learn from the situation ..ok so the body and mind does go into a relaxed state .. i dont know why .. apart from the fact that these episodes are very tiring .. on all levels .. mental emotional physical etc .. and so it is like you have had a long soak ... 

yes today i was lucky as things were quiet .. however this is my day .. in a nutshell . 

i woke early and after attempting to plan the day from the comfort of my bed i dozed and slept till past 09.00AM .. I'm glad that i did .. as planning things can be quite futile in situations like  these .. this day was mine to do with as i chose .. the phone rang and it was Brian Smith commnenting on the building work that he has had done .. i felt good and listened .. he offered me a chance to go somewhere in the car .. i felt like myself .. this morning and i guess he is an alright knd of bloke .. i said i would give his invitation some thought .. and returned to my tai chi .. /yoga . this time as of yesterday .. i took things slow .. very easy .. and mindful of the fact that after so many years of practice 6 yrs i had began to take it all for granted .. the assanas had become mechanical .. the basics you forgot your basics Christian .. and so with every movement i rested and let go .. the same with the tai chi .. i remembered to be toned but not tense .. to relax to take tihings easy ... to let go .. and so with the words of a famous ascended master the poet Kabir .. i began to see the value of meditation as integral to the assanas and form that i was attempting .. to breathe and to be conscioius of what i was doing .. rather than the physical jerks that the yoga /tai chi had become The morning was fine .. and i was optimistic until the phone rang .. and my Dr spoke .. sounding concerned .. as i answered her question as to what was happening i could hear her typing away on a keybaord .. and once we had agreed to speak after my blood test on Tuesday .. i put the phone down . feeling rather angry .. reason being .. well once the wheels begin to roll .. and diferent parties begin to be involved .. believe me your life is not your own .. and for anyone who values their freedom . it is a very bitter pill to swallow .. however .. i was shocked at my reaction as i have known Dr Price since i was a small boy .. a friend of the family and so i value her judgement .. and so as they say i was brought down to earth with a bump .. 

once i had completed my practice .. i felt .. and th.. is is quite perverse. i felt rather worse than when i started .. however . this might merely be grounding and as such in my state .. it is a good thing better that than be in a euphoric state .. this is where i believe it to better to be grounded than not .. and so after washing etc . i was ready to face the day .. although for once i was not frightened at the prospect .. i felt that finally things had gotten under control .. 

i arrived at peace of mind and had that feeling of now you guys are really going to get it .. anger showing through again .. if only for a moment .. i considered the fate of a man i once considered a friend who became so aggitated that it was quite shocking .. he became an animal .almost .. wild and unreachable .. i reined in any pent up aggression ..and entered in .. giving my name .. 

and then it dawned on me .. i was not there for work .. not there as a passing visitor .. i was there because i knew that i needed to meet some good friends.

i signed my name and climbed the stairs . and i noticed how quiet it was .. i said hi to the office girls .. and was releived in some way to see only a few faces at the mens group .. 

we talked and i made my point to be as genuine as possible .. .. for this was the reason i was there .. to regain my sense of self .. to be myself .. and to be honest .. once i began to talk that part was easy .. listening was harder .. and yet it is simple .. sometimes it is difficult to do so .. as some people are so impaired that .. to be honest .. you have to have some very pointed skills to understand what on earth they are talking about .. i guess that i have began to shut my antennae and i was relieved to find that there was one particular old gentelman whom i get on well with .. who was worth listening to .. as he put his longevity down to his people skills . he knew that gentleness achieves much more than bile .. and so i listened because it is true .. and this gentleman is living proof .. i have met his carer and Sarah is as close to an angel as anyone is lilkely to meet .. 

now that is wisdom .. in anyone's book ..

the mens group continued on for longer than i imagined and i wa pleasd .. the nature of the group being all male helped me relax and so my spirits rose .. we said our goodbyes and i considered my options .. of course whether rightly of wrongly the scene of Innis and some fresh faced young ladies made me want to stick around .. and the rather comic scene of Mark ....a good friend by the way in full football gear was so camp and funny that i had to stay just out of curiosity .. i settled down and for some reason felt confident enough to ask for some advice .. how to be assertive when speaking my mind . .. and once i considered the facts it became easy to understnd .. i cannot be in 2 or more places at the same time and so something has to give .. and Family come first .. and foremost .. it being Easter well i can go running with my buddies anytime .. and yes i believe that if they are worth any amount of salt they would understand .. Innis said it quite bluntly .. that she would be on that train on Thursday to see her folks and would not be back until Tuesday .. simple . 

we talked .. and i guess that again the quite nature of the place enabled me to unwind .. i did not leave until after 02.30PM .. it looks like from the 21 of April i might be on an archaeology course so that is one for the books ..as i am free from all work ties from almost that date .. no more refurbishing computers from after the easter holiday . hello college .. Jung would be proud .. 

i went home had some lunch feeling  more human i considered what i really wanted to do .. read more Ian Banks and Against a Dark Background . that is some book .. well wrtten and has meat to it  .. bass guitar practice was of course fun .. having been given the addage that if you eat you play . simple .

and so somehow today has felt to be more organic more natural .. and i have not felt compelled to do anything .. this day was mine to begin with and mine to end .. swimming was a great excuse to meditate .. i considered a journey from one island to another .. and in between . grey nothing but grey .. now this might not sound very optismistic and yet .. i found a great deal to fill my time .. you meet a lot of differing situations on a long journey and it soon became a simple metaphor for a long life .. well lived .. the sauna was interesting to meet a few fellows .. whilst the noise of the children was enough to make every second count . no falling asleep .. 

my evening meal was delicious goats cheese and potato .. done with baked prawns .. 

the evening is almost grey now . i have watched the blue of a pleasant afternoon turn slowly from the pale blue of midday turning deeper and deeper and then as evening arrives that depth turn to a light grey dusk ... this in turn will i imagine slowly give way to an ever increasing .. sublimely  opaque window upon  which the stars will wheel their way across the night sky .. 

it has already began . on the horizon you can almost see into space . the atmosphere is giving way to infinity .. and yet not yet .. blue sky now becomes night sky .. and all becomes clear .. 

thanks to good luck to good fortune and to good overal health to good neighbours good lanldords to waking up to everyone who is helping me through this time .. to Dr Price and to Rachel to Amanda to peace of mind to Andrew to friends to Clare to SCAT to laughter and tears to comedy to music to family to gardens to good books to art to good food to learning to a roof over my head to toys to phones to the lesson i have been given .. humilty once again .. 

and to teachers Andrew Rose etc 

time now to ring some friends

Posted by ecomill at 8:27 PM BST

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Mood:  surprised

i wonder sometimes . how weird life can be .. one day can be like Hell has openned up and swallowed you up . bad vibes .. uncanny strange events that both torment and give strange succour .. like meeting the anger management team whilst waiting in line at the supermarket .. you can never find an ape until you really are not sure of your sanity .. and then they pop out of the woodwork .. yep there must be an invisible sign that hangs around you a smell . pheromones or some such that attracts the weird and the wonderful . once you know that you are having your bad day .. mnn

now of course today has been quiet .. sunshine and nothing to do but loaf around .. yes i went to see the Doc .. and somehow i knew that i was ok . if i can have a chat with a fellow and  ending up laughing well .. it's obvious .. and yet then you have to go through with it .. the Doctor bit .. you can hardly say oh well you see that bloke well we had a chat and well i changed my mind .. i'm alright now .. no need .. so to speak .. 

we talked and i poured my heart out a bit .. describing things in detail .. and yet .. well i think its done the trick .. i returned home  by 01.00PM and had a quiet time in alone . feeling good ..calm and safe .. no panic attacks  no weidness  of any kind

 i cooked and had something to eat .. and read my novel .. listened to some music .. Eric Satie radio of all things .. very dark indeed .. and somewhat appropriate for the kind of novel i was reading .. made the gotihic novel seem tame ..

by all accounts . no jane aire for me .. or whuthering heights.. mnn 

and so the day passed by and i did manage some guitar pracitce .. till tea time . and after a bit of a walk to test the water .and a shop for more oily fish well i was all done in .. nice to see Ritta .. and to get home and rest more ..nice to have my appetite back .. in spades almost . rang mum and heard the news .. no eye operation .. not yet 

 Rang Rachel around 04.30PM and i tried to get the message across that my symptoms were both physical mental and spirtiual .. physical in that my skin quite literaly crawls at times the feeling being like a cross between pins and needlles butterflies and as if my skin is going to erupt at ony moment .. and i have no way of relief apart from some kind of reflex action . largely involving my nether regions ..  and that is probably the most distressing thing about my condition at the moment .. however i have tried a few ways to avoid this embarrasement .. keeping my brain busy .. and actually seeing in my minds eye what is going on .. down there .. however having seen some material on panic attacks i am going to try sandpaper .. of all things to divert my reflex action .. we willl see 

and now i look out over the rooftops and yawn .. what can you do sometime .. there are always other possibiities.. as Ruichi Sakamoto once said .. infact that might be an idea .. music .. on coming from with the ugly bug thing .. 

thanks for friends family waking up ..laughter tears and music comedy to my good neighbours landlords and everyone who is involved in my care .. to yoga and tai chi to blogs to good mental health and to medicine and vitamins to a roof over my head to hobbies to rest and relaxation to toys and to games to good food .senses and limbs to good advice swimming and early starts to the hoiday and to teachers like Andrew Rose and friends .. email and the internet .. 

Posted by ecomill at 7:02 PM BST

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Mood:  smelly

ok before i forget or die or something . here is how i felt a few minutes ago .. yes i was ready to admit and did so later that i needed help . big time .. you play the game their way ..and you find that you end up feeling like a fraud .. unreal .. living someone elses life .. a clockwork orange .. and yes i was finding that i was beginnning to crack up . saying **** you in subtle ways that only my unconscious would be able to control . in a word i was losing it .. because i couldn't deal with my emotions .. of what on earth is going on .. why is everyone saying it is ok when it simplly was not the case .. yes i was there in the bathroom darkness had almost swallowed me up and i asked for help .. not to anyone in particular but i did admit to myself that i need help ..and i moved on as you do not thinking about anything .. and then bang it dawned on me that we as a bunch of people were going to see a guy crucified now whoever thought about that one knew human nature .. it is like watching sport or the gladiators .. you get to your limit and almost ready to burst .. with why won't anyone listen .. well i was worse .. i did not even have anything to say let alone have anyone listen .. and so bang if i thought i had it tough well how about that guy on the cross .. and his dad was God .. well .. who could have seen that one coming .. if ever there was a spanner thrown in the works well that was it .. yes you have it bad .. and then you remember the story .. anyhow i decided to clean my kitchen .. the crappy sink the people i know  the same as me .. and  after  doing  a good  job  .. i got ready to eat my dinner .. and so i got it out of the oven .. one piece of fish .. salmon baked with olive oil and with it in the same baking tray soe veg snap peas .. and  yes a jacket potato .. and then the genius part .. the baking tray sometimes has a surrpise of its own .. a few drops of black goo .. gravy .. yes i do not clean my baking tray .. and so what is baked on the base is black gold .. very much like compost .. yes this stuff was like nectar .. and as i searched i found some baked on fish skin baked hard .. and delicioius .. well this got me thinking ..

having studied marketing .. i was quite disgusted by the tactics employed .. white bread .. and i began to see .. there are a large amount of people who have never made gravy proper gravy .. using the innards that make up all animals  . including us .. and then i considered the banality of it all .. these guys take away the pain of making proper gravy .. and slap on some fictional Auntie . well a lot of people never get to make the real thing .. and i suppose that some have no time .. but this is not it .. the point is that making something sometimes requires a great deal of effort .. and a certain amount of dirt .. that builds up .. unfortunately it seems that dirt is dirty word .. and yet that is what makes good gravy .. no dirt no gravy .. 

and so enjoyed my meal .. safe in the knowledge that i had made it my way .. discovering for myself .. the secret of good cooking .. 

now of course i did have  a lot to say about how awful i felt .. that my life was filled with being inauthentic .. and yes i guess that man Campbel had it right ..   quiet desperatation .. and Kafka and metamorphosis .. where a man finds himself turned into a bug, a roach ..

well perhaps watching a hero every now and then means a great deal .. recognizing that you have disy covered something for yourself is mighty powerful stuff too .. and only comes from maybe asking for help recognizing that you are only human . a weak animal that relies on others .. that spends large amounts of time .. biting your lip . saying nothing .. hurt .. and knowing that your life is largely filled with the kind of suffering that finds outlets you never believed possible .. ah and every now and then you just say ahhh !! and bite the inside of your mouth .. 

now for the day .. yes i woke early and was up and about .. ready for tai chi . that i felt would aid me in the course of the day .and this time it was a special day .. a trip to the seaside with friends .. and so as a precaution .. i went for a run for around 20  mins .. back by 09.00AM yes breakfast was nice .. grapes and milk .. amazing how little you need to get you through the day .. and so i decided to put the icing on the cake and did some meditation .. ready to be out by 09.30AM .. 

on the way there .. i met Kim driving his red fiesta .. and he explained that there were too many going in too few cars .. so i jumped in and we went another way .. to Burnham On Sea . my father's old hunting ground ..and my mum's for that matter .. and i was feeling awful .. like having an erection butterflies and starvation all at the same time .. uncomfotable .. anyhow upon arrival we walked upon the promanade and took photos .. the wind whipped it's way and i could hear my trousers billow like sails .. and suddenly the pain eased .. no more anguish .. i felt safe again no longer unpreditable .. nentailot wanting to be too close .. and after a while we returned to the car and i dozed most of the way back .. waking a few miles from home .. Kim and I said our goodbyes and i had time to go for a sauna .. for a while but not before i had the privilage to meet a very nice gentleman with whom i had a very interesting conversation concerning the internet and open source versus microsoft and all that stuff .. we parted on very good terms . and i was glad that he let me borrow something for my locker .. again people are very kind and it was a pleasure to speak with Brinly about photography .. also .. the sauna was a joy .. and i found another Ian Banks fan .. and i left the pool to find a sunny day .. 

lunch followed .. fruit juice apple and mango .. and i felt well enough to go to work .. around 02.50PM .. having i believe taken the bull by the horms and got to grips with my nintendo DS braintrainer program .. my brain age being around 48 yrs olld .. no fear i shall prevail .. anyhow work went well and i was out by 04.30 PM having spent sometime after 04.00PM reading the cognitive therapy book that has had me hooked these last few months .. joining in on the exercises is interesting and i hope that i am learning something about myself .. even though at times i feel that such introspection makes me somewhat ill at ease .. however therapy can have some strange effects .. i left feeling well and ready for some practice music .. guitar .. etc .. and i played till just before 05.00PM checking the oven i considered a walk . after my 30 mins of more tai chi .. where some very disturbing images and thoughts came to mind .. largely about men in black . horns etc and i wondered if my mind had lost it's rudder .. had i overdone things .. the walk was for me to do some thinking and somehow the late afternoon sunshine and the warmth of the street had a wonderful effect upon my spirits .. even though i was still angry frustrated and unable to express myself in  any other way than..... blow you lot .. of course nowadays this is all done in rather too much of a concrete way .nether regions have a life of their own i' am afraid and i returned home knowing the usefulness of a good game on the telly ..  

so here is to the easter holidays .. and to more good meals. 

thanks to waking up to good food and to tai chi exercise to saunas to friends and to travel to great overal health mental and physical .. whilst great spirits can be a life saver .. to the easter time to radio to toys to family to good weather to shops to work and to being paid to everyone who has helped me in these times of trouble . to meditation to sense and limb to gardens to the internet to blogs to good neighbours to great landlords to help with living and to rent paid to art to mediciine to vitamins to being sober a non smoker to being single to books to new friends yoga and teachers Andrew Rose and to the albemarle center to fellow yogis and taosts to laughter and tears to comedy and to music and to honesty ..  

Posted by ecomill at 7:41 PM BST

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Mood:  special

yes ok so i got nervous once . pinpointed the problem and moved on .. yes swimming was great and the sauna too .. yes i got home and made some more nintendo DS and yes had an anxiety session where i found that i was frightened by things that are not likely to happen but although they have in the past i fear that they might occur again .. although to be truthful i miss my tv .. the space is so bare .. anyhow the clock moved on and i met Mum and Susannah at 12.00PM and listened to Mum .. i feel that i have connected so much  with  her today .. and so moved on more confidently .. yes i got home and had a rest till it was time to go tai chi with my favourite pals . and yes the afternoon went well Andrew was great and i surprised myself . doing the left with an audience and doing it well .. my best .. yes i had to think a few times but always moving on confident and with purpose .. i felt proud and i was pleased that Andrew who is such a perfectionist held the opinion that the boy done good. something to be proud of .. his reaction meant a great deal and again my opinion of him has increased because he was fair ..iweve

now of course i still have the manners of a dog on  heat  at times however that is not life threatening yet .. bugger basically . back at home i dipped somewhat and listened to the radio and laughed till it didn't matter anymore .. 

now after something to eat and more i feel better although i have had a scare and now carry on with renewed vigilance .. as i am not out the woods yet .. not by a long chalk 

now the thanks ..

good luck good fortune great mental health great physical health great spirits and laughter .. tears and comedy to music to gardens to toys to phones to family to medicine to vitamins to being sober  single and a non smoker to senses and lfelmbs to hobbies to swimming saunas to all those who have and are helping me through this difficult time .. to teachers Andrew and Rose to fellow yogis to email to the internet to breakfast lunch and tea .. shops to radio to books to good neighbours to good landlords to hekp with the rent to help with living to a roof over my head to learning to rest and to sleep to meditation to reiki to people like Rose and Clare to June Jane Kay and to Pauline 

and to work and work mates to being paid too . 

Posted by ecomill at 8:31 PM BST

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Mood:  surprised

before i forget or at least before i start to ramble on .. firstly the morning went well again .. the afternoon was a challenge that i rose to and tonight is strangely sureal ..

i woke later than usual and delved into my tai chi yoga shopping and breakfast all done by before 11.00AM well waking up i knew that i was going to be ok .. or at least have a fair shot at the whip .. after well i made my way to .. in an orderly fashion to the men's group where i hoped that had  an agreeable contribution .. and an hour later or so 12.30PM i was out and swimming by 01 .00 PM now of course i met a great girl Nikki who somewhat shocked me because we got on so well .. every time i expected the semi cold shoulder this Goddess just kept on being beautiful and charming .. i fell in love almost straight way..father a printer and brought up in Dundee wow we have s much in common .. bingo . 

now afterwards i had an appointment at the hospital and i was there for an hour .. where i truly did need to employ my yoga skills .. things were falling apart and the sound of the crowd was getting to me .. and i was beginnng to panic inside and it seemed as if it was onlly a matter of time before i lost it big style .. and then after trying conversation i sank into a yogic meditation and this worked beautifuly .. and some time later i was roused by the dr calling my name .. i was alert and well and enjoyled the meeting .. homeward bound i walked easilly and arrived home by around 05.15PM

yoga with Rose was interesting i loved my present and did a special thing .. no need to compete ..headstand you know the score ..

and so that seems to be it ..

thanks to  good luck good fortune good mental health great physical health great spirits great neighbours great landlords to waking up this morning to tai chi breakfast lunch and tea to dinner to albemarletoys to tears to laughter to comedy to the drs and nurses and all those people who have helped me in my current situation to hobbies to the internet to medicine vitamins  to teachers Andrew Rose and fellow yoginis and yogis to fellow taoists to Kay and June to Jane to Pauline to teeth to hair to email to family to phones to peace of mind and the men's group to Andrew to a roof over my head to help wiith living and the rent to the albemarle center to meditation to work and being paid to the guys at Somerset community computers to swimming and to Nikki to saunas to senses and limbs to being sober a non smoker to being single to sleep to gardens to shops to learning and to games 

Posted by ecomill at 9:17 PM BST

Updated: Wednesday, 11 March 2009 9:50 PM BST

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