Mood:  lucky

i guess that today has been interesting .. always nice to see my fellow taoists .. and Andrew has a great deal of charisma .. great really .. of course there were moments and i was pleased to get to the form .. also kicking was fun ..

so here goes Woke up early and went swimming nice to see some familiar faces .. learned the name of the mysterious cute girl who is so cute she is a danger to shipping .. anyhow after a sauna i was out by 09.15AM and home eating breakfast .. tai chi and yoga took me to around 11.00AM where i slept till past 12.30PM .. and lunch .. some nintendo DS and time to go to class .. arrived and of course we had a bit of a chat about the website .. easy easy boy . and a few tai chi moves plus the form .. all done by 04.00PM home and after a shop .. bass guitar till 05.30PM and after a meal of salmon and potato .. plus houmous .. mnn !! delicious .. spent a long time reading about up north and a fine rock called by an unmnentionable ... anyhow i am pleased that the day has turned out well and that i am feeling good .. yes i have spent time studying and time reading my sci fi novel .. Excession and so onwards and upwards .. 

the sun is out this evening and i am hushed up resting .. the town is quiet and there is not a cloud in the sky ..

now to more css html what have you .. i am going to find out what address Andrew wants and then transfer the page over .. this is a great opportunity to try a little code to impress ... automatic transfer .. from one page to another ..simple ..today i was so pleased when Andrew liked what i had written .. and to be honest i feel now that i am a little closer to the tao and to tai chi chi kung in general . nothing like a project to get you close to the subject at hand .. 

and so that is that .. the package is safe .. and i feel that i have learned a great deal about self preservation . 

thanks to good luck good fortune good neighbours friends taoist buddies yoginis to teachers like Andrew and Rose good overal health to waking up good landlords to hobbies to being sober work and being paid to peace of mind . my employer to tai chi exercise and to saunas to family to laughter and tears to comedy music to learning online email to teeth and hair to gardens to a roof over my head to books to blogs to the internet to limbs to being single to good food to help with living to toys to sleep to phones to books to rest to good landlords to games and to meditation to reiki to being a non smoker 

i hope that my efforts today have and along with my efforts over the last 6 & half yrs will bear fruit ..  

Posted by ecomill at 7:55 PM BST

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Mood:  happy

today started with a few stomach churning moments .. yes today was going to be difficult today was going to be painful and yes as always the day proved to be better than i feared and worse than i hoped .. can't say fairer than that ..

i woke late 09.00AM and did my some tai chi followed by meditation felt great all morning and got down to some brass tacks .. thanks to Rose who seems to understand .. tarred with the same brush .. high standards .. and yes there it was in b-w .. at work i got angry frsustrated and ended up feeling guilty .. so i was not alone in that .. yes i have high standads and i expect the best from others .. letting the side down was always the worst crime ..doing one's best was alll that mattered .. and yes i often was in awe of what others best was .. miracles .. come to mind . anyhow perfection in most things seems to be the order of the day and that got me thnking .. difficult to love perfection diamonds aside .. but there you are .. and yes i sometimes feel that my background is my ace in the hole .. and at other times the joker in the pack .. don't ask me why .. however Bob Dylon put i nicely .. the song .. something about getting juiced in it . 

now the day unfolded nicely after lunchtime more swimming and then some time with Mum and that set me off to a tee .. great to see both Mum and Sussannah talking helps .. and  after well more tia chi and yoga .. nice to see everyone including Sarah et al .. and so the evening has flown by .. more twitter more Aleks Krotoski and tech stuff .. mn 

now to say thanks 

waking up good fortune good luck family and people like Rose to good food medicine to vitamins to toys and internet to email to senses and limbs to laughter and tears to music to comedy to a roof over my head to help with living to rent paid to work to work mates to peace of mind to being sober a non smoker to exercise to yoga etc to teachers to Rose Andrew and fellows to good mental health and to great spirits to good physical health to good neighbours good landlords to hobbies to loved ones to sweet hearts wherever they may be . to gardens 

and now i have to go .. good show on the school front .. finished the w3schools course on HTML development

and now time to say good bye good byee good byeeeee .  

Posted by ecomill at 10:22 PM BST

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Mood:  special

i feel ok .and the weather is fine . although i always find it hard .. when the sun is shiining . when the sun shines and i feel awful it's almost worse than if it is raining . i have this beetle thing in my head .. nowhere to hide !! and yes today i had it all sorted .. we were going to do nothing at work . because we are closing down soon . so we would play football . or something .. something i thought might be fun because it would be cool to be like the character in the fielld of dreams . who never pitched to his dad .. well all i had on my mind was dad and a bat for me .. cricket for me .. grey nicols that was me and i was going to play ball with Chris .. the whole thing started to go pear shaped almost as soon as i got in the car .. i forgot the reality of the situation . i was not switched on to my mental outlook ..

arriving we were shown computers that had to be done and ready for a specific time .. i found myself being distant towards Chris . ignoring him running away ..and we did not get to speak much until after lunch time .. i was stressed so much  i thought that i was going to burst .. and then it popped like a bubble .. yes at that moment i was seeing red .. thinking of Peter in a none too loving light and then it popped .. and all i was let with was a big feeling of guilt . that i had done wrong .. next minute i know i was being offered a penknife .. a swiss army knife .. just like the one i had a long time ago .. great !! Not .. 

and so from there the day improved .. I appologised to Chris who was feeling left out .  and i  made it my business to be as nice as i coudl .. listened to Norman who is great . and yes spotify is cool .. will download soon and made evereyone a cuppa ..things were winding down by the time Janet came to pick us up .. oh and my thoughts are with Peter who is having a hard time and has done for a long time .. on a lighter note Chris and I were back to our usual selves in the car . laughter and ll that .. decided to add a little wisdom . better than money although sometimes i feel that i am only doing these things by rote .. and not through some wonderous wisdom on my account ..

anyhow i arrived home at 01.30PM and wondered what to do .. i decided to have a little read of my ..  .. Banks and the plot is wonderful .. making more sense now .. more like a sci ffi novel now rather than something that might blow your mind if you attempt anything more than a basic understanidng of what is actualy going on .. ships that think .. conversatons i chat rooms .  images of earlier authors .. flatland .. darkstar .. 2001 A space oddyssy . etc .. anyhow after a good read more swimming and a sauna .. till past 03.30PM and then back home to lea rning .. online .. more css .. and then a quick jaunt out to see Lorna and Elaine .. nice chat about meditation .. 

and home .. again i considered things and for an hour played my bass guitar .. getting to play lightly that is the key .. the fingers almost carress the fret board .. relaxed . easy .. using the e string .. playing the notes rather than concentrating upon moving the hand to those notes .. somewhat like a mix of knitting and typing . on a keyboard.. 

now that  final act was fun .. Duran Duran sounded very much like a astrology class .. concerning the lyrics altuugh that was new romantic and now i am neuromancer . mnn 

anyhow i felt a bit freaked out for no reason  and phoned Rachel . Smart .. made an appointment for next wednesday at 10.30AM no less .. and after that i thought of something that i had not tried for a while .. people watching .. imagining what and where the cars were going to .. from the supermarket . 

sun shining nice day

and then i began to consider how i sometimes see things not only in black and white .. but sometimes filter out the good stuff ..

  calmed down after my stress level peaked .. it disappeared like a bubble popping .. the swim was good and there were a crowd of people .. after work i felt good .. i did it .. and the bass guitar was at times purely play .. it is true that at the time you might see things as difficult but upon looking back .. these moments were priceless .. the calm words of Norman that almost said yes we are looking after you .. nothing tomy head  worry  .. at times i felt that although i was stressed .. these elders were leaading me towards calmer waters .. listening to someone who loves his work is like listening to a lulllalby... i knew that if i only would give in and let it all happen let it wash over me i was going to be ok .. like i was in the hands of angels .. 

anyhow the bass guitar practice was wonderful .. and i loo forward to more tomorrow .. 

dinner tonight was lovely .. salmon and jacket .. veg sauce .. and a few raw carrots .. great . the evening is now upon us and i have a taste for a few games of chess .. but for now a few thanks and a few phonecalls to people .. 

thanks to the  best gift .. waking up .. good health .. good luck and good fortune .. a roof over my head .. help wth living .. to slience and to good neighbours to family to friends to work and to being paid to laughter and tears to comedy music to good food tai chi and exercise to saunas to hobbies and to toys to the vitamins and medicine that help me to the people who help me in these days of trouble drs nurses social workers to workmates .. like Norman to Dan to Chris to Peter and his wife to Tony and his understanding .. to peace of mind and to the people who work there .. to my good sense .. to phones to toothbrush to the rent paid . to teachers like Andrew and Rose to yoga and the albemarle center to good weather to good landlords to meditation 

Posted by ecomill at 8:24 PM BST

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Mood:  celebratory

ok so i have just finished a bass session that felt great .. learned a lot by listening to other people .. big thing that and the rest of the day was ok too .. yes the tai chi went well .. work was good .. yoga was good .. nice to talk with Jo of all people .. listen more likely and then the swim went well and my css is improving nice to see how my swatting helped me understand todays lesson .. hovers and all .. and i have an idea to copy that code so as to use it myself . somewhere . and yes i still feel good .. to write down that ithis is a good day .. and one that lets me know that if anything i am on the right path ..  i am looking forwards to playing my nightly game of chess and doiing some more evening things . meditation for one and a few other things .. perhaps more radio more music

. what mght be fun is a look at some more chess lessons .. perhaps view a game .. get some tips etc .. see what this is all about oh and read some ..

yes one thing i have seen an improvement is in my cognitive therapy .. i did some today as i always do and yes i discovered a few things .. yes i am a perfectionist in many spheres of my life .. relationships .. morals and the goals that i set fo myself . it is as if i am saying that morally i have to be a saint .. or i am a bad person .. all or nothing .. bang saint or the worst kind of person you could imagine .. i also need desperately to have people love me know me .. yes i have this thing about having to be so well known so that i am popular .. if i can't be thought of as in my eyes at least as date bait . then i have to know that a lot of people know me .. 

anyhow that is good for starters. 

so now i wait for sometihing to eat .. oh and of course mentlaly i let go .. with the feared fantasy .. yes someone comes up to  you and tells you what you privately think about yourself .. mine is that ... well i put it down in the book . 

and now yes i feel that perhaps i feel better .. after a long time of keeping it all inside .

lets say that my good days are getting better and my bad days are less traumatic ..

Posted by ecomill at 6:53 PM BST

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Mood:  on fire

yes i woke feeling good .. so good that i went for a run round the block .. 30 mins later shopping for breakfast and an idea to get to mum for mothers day . and so after more tai chi and meditation that left me feeling less than great . i set off .

so this was around 12.00PM and i found myself feeling less and less  fine as i went along .. and 40 mins later i arrived to deliver the flowers .. well i felt very uncomfortble  and about as comfortable as yu can with a phantom erection and no control over where it wants to go .. and so on that happy note we set off and i arrived back home feeling among other things relief .

once home i had something to eat and after a call to Jason Caplan i considered the day .. more tai chi as i recal and some guitar practice .. that took me to the mid afternoon and a walkabout with camera .. where i returned home to thoughts of swimmng and a sauna ..

this was the highlight of the day .. meeting a few people .. arriving home for near on 07.00PM

to now i guess that upon hindsight the day has not been too bad ive had worse and it was nice to see mum happy

now of course nice to see Alan and Christopher Simon and Hannah whilst Malcom is ok . early days. 

so to good health and to great mental health .. to family and mothers day .. to belonging. work and being paid .. walks are nice and good llandlords good neighbours and having enough food . to eat . laughing a great deal and for all those things called tears and music to comedy to help with living . 

although i would prefer that i pay my own way in life .. that somehow my skill with a computer might pay off . website design yes !! nice to have all my faculties .. sense and limb .. to the weekend 

and yes the  most important thing yoga and ta chi with IT .

somehow however there are those times when you surprise yourself to knitting ..to peace of mind to people like Clare and Rose and to my running mates.. waking up i find the most interesting . and to all those things that keep me alive and kicking .. vitamins and medicine .. yes where would i be without teachers Andrew Rose etc and to my fellow taoists yoginis . lovely 

one person once asked me what it was like to be me .. well there are  times when i feel great .. and if  no one says anything to piss me off well that is just great and then there are other times when it is like i have a phantom hard on a whopper of an erection that does not exist  in reality .. not in this unverse and at the same time i have a hunger so bad that it is likely that get the 2 confused ..

simple ..an 

Posted by ecomill at 8:21 PM BST

Updated: Sunday, 22 March 2009 8:27 PM BST

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Mood:  down

what can i say back to the blues again . it is like as soon as the sun shines i feel doubly doubtful . the beetle thing trapped with  nowhere to go .. tempted to read more Camus and consider this argument . Is life worth lliving in a Godless world ?

now to today on the whole nothing too terrible .. morining spent swimming and the afternoon spent working or so it seems . i wonder how alone i can feel today .. although all was not lost .. my neighbour Mr Godden whom i like a lot .. and this has only just dawned on me . after years of contact .. looks like something out of a horror film .. it's ok because it's a 30s horror film so none too horror . however he does kind of remind me of the wolfman making me smile on the inside .. 

now to today .. i woke up late .. 08.40AM and after shopping for breakfast .. and breakfast i went swimmning.. till after 10.30AM or so .. and yes there was a sauna

and not satisfied with a mere swim more tai chi .. for an hour or so . . now i suppose i was feeling ok because radio 2 went on around 01.00PM and so after an hour os so i was ready for work .. peace of mind where i danced and did my thing .. 

yes after more tai  chi 30 mins i had a haircut .. and went out taking photos till tea time ..lovely 

now to tell you the truth .. i feell somewhat fragile .. radio comedy going through my brain .. snippets here and there .. sound bytes that get stuck in your brain like . pieces of met in your teeth . i know it gets on your nerves . me too 

and now well the day is fine and i feel better although i'm sure that i have have felt better . at sometime not too far in the near past .. yes February was a good month or was that January .. mnn!!

and now thanks

good luck yes today somehow i felt lucky.. for a minute i fellt luck was on my side and then i started to sing .. mnn 

 to good fortune as i feel that the chinese have got their priorites right .. now of course if i felt terrible i would not be in a mood to say thanks that would be painful .. just one thing i hope that my sight is not going  blurry maybe 

anyhow to great overal health mentall and physical .. lots of thanks for that and to everone helping me . to hobbies that tke time to master to family and to work that lets me float my boat .. no one can accuse me of laziness .now ehhh!! and to teachers like Andrew and Rose .. to tai chi and yoga swimming being healthy wealthy and wise .. single and safe . paid and loved 

well here is to mixing it .. because recently i have found that i am easily pleased

so here's to that ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:36 PM BST

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Mood:  bright

ok so not perfect and maybe my expections have been too high maybe!! anyhow the day has had a high or two and a low that i'm still trying to think of .  so here goes

i woke up feeling ok . enough sleep and at 07.00AM i was up and for an hour or so did some tai chi till 08.00AM and felt good about work .. went shopping for grapes and went to work .. yes it went ok and so by 09.35AM i was resting .. as this is for me the end of the working week and so mid morning i woke from my meditation /sleep that's right i found meditation turned to sleep and i was ready for the day . ok nice to see Keith even though for a moment i had a crisis of confidence . However a retreat to the cave did the trick and Keith was nice enough to enquire about my work at the computer place .. nice bloke .. and so the day progressed and Clare and friends invited me to learn knitting .. and you know what i knittted till well on lunchtime brilliant .. no stress no thoughts no worries . and it proved to be the perfect antidote to my troubles .. talk about chilled .. simple to learn and rewarding .. 

after i joined Rose and Bob and read a little of the news .. ok and settled for a while . rustling somewhat .. and so by past 12.10PM i left and had some lunch and then thought it wise to read up on  some computer css .. finished by 02.00PM and ready for some swimming and sauna .  great and i was done by 03.20PM of course no day would be complete without a bass guitar session. lasting until 04.00PM 

a run after this 5 miles and shopping  for tea . and a wind down to the weekend .. ccoking potato and chicken .. 

a day and a half .

thanks to good luck good fortune . great mental health and great  physical health ok so now i am going to change things .. what would i be like without family to raise me and what about good food and enogh money to spend on the simple things in life . thanks to Amanda Dixon i am now no longer on DLA and am working . thanks to community computers i have learned skills that i think are valuable so too books and people like Ken Darby who have introduced me to technology .. and to the drs and nurses who have found ways to help me be well .. and to Teachers like Andrew Rose etc who have taught me skills involving yoga and tai chi . to Patricia who started me off in relaxation to friends who understand to a roof over me and help from the taxpayer to ease my burden .. to good senses and limbs to gardens to laughter and tears comedy and music these are so much a part of my life now .. to medicine and vitamins that keep me well .. and to my landord who taught me humilty and caring .. plus great neighbours who are good people .. 

Posted by ecomill at 7:57 PM BST

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Mood:  special

yes ok so i got nervous once . pinpointed the problem and moved on .. yes swimming was great and the sauna too .. yes i got home and made some more nintendo DS and yes had an anxiety session where i found that i was frightened by things that are not likely to happen but although they have in the past i fear that they might occur again .. although to be truthful i miss my tv .. the space is so bare .. anyhow the clock moved on and i met Mum and Susannah at 12.00PM and listened to Mum .. i feel that i have connected so much  with  her today .. and so moved on more confidently .. yes i got home and had a rest till it was time to go tai chi with my favourite pals . and yes the afternoon went well Andrew was great and i surprised myself . doing the left with an audience and doing it well .. my best .. yes i had to think a few times but always moving on confident and with purpose .. i felt proud and i was pleased that Andrew who is such a perfectionist held the opinion that the boy done good. something to be proud of .. his reaction meant a great deal and again my opinion of him has increased because he was fair ..iweve

now of course i still have the manners of a dog on  heat  at times however that is not life threatening yet .. bugger basically . back at home i dipped somewhat and listened to the radio and laughed till it didn't matter anymore .. 

now after something to eat and more i feel better although i have had a scare and now carry on with renewed vigilance .. as i am not out the woods yet .. not by a long chalk 

now the thanks ..

good luck good fortune great mental health great physical health great spirits and laughter .. tears and comedy to music to gardens to toys to phones to family to medicine to vitamins to being sober  single and a non smoker to senses and lfelmbs to hobbies to swimming saunas to all those who have and are helping me through this difficult time .. to teachers Andrew and Rose to fellow yogis to email to the internet to breakfast lunch and tea .. shops to radio to books to good neighbours to good landlords to hekp with the rent to help with living to a roof over my head to learning to rest and to sleep to meditation to reiki to people like Rose and Clare to June Jane Kay and to Pauline 

and to work and work mates to being paid too . 

Posted by ecomill at 8:31 PM BST

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Mood:  hungry

 funny how fine weather makes me feel like a have left something undone .. the sun is saying beautful day and i wonder what on earth it is all about .. looking out over the town .. the whole thing shouts holiday somewhere like Spain and then i see where i am home .. Taunton and holiday thoughts soon fade away . the climate confuses me .. as i spend most of the time indoors .. away from people who spend their lives outside .. t anned types who look after trees or roads and drunks etc .. not forgetting younsters teenagers who have still to believe that sunshine equates happiness .. anyhow the  sun is shining and the day is not yet done . i woke up this morning around 08.00AM and went shopping for breakfast that done nice deal on grapes .. i carried on with some tai chi and yoga lasting around 75 mins .. till i was ready to go out to a mens group . run by the peace of mind people .. sun still shining !! and had some fun till 12.30PM whereupon i then found time to go swimming and enjoy a sauna . till around 03.00PM .. now to be honest no Heather unfortunately however the swim went well and i did meet Nikki .. who let  me into a secret about techinique .. i now swim at around 21 hstrokes instead of over 30 plus .. that is what i got for listening .. that and to take things easy . 

 i finished up and went home where i got down to some studying .. more css and a breakthrough .. my navigation bar looks great .. all with a simple click .. yes getting the class right and in the right place acting upon the correct tag and with the right other descendants .. however my bar looks good and so i carried on in good cheer .. discovering how to create hover techiniques that mimic mouseover javascript .. great for highlights .. and so that was good enough for me .. and i finished up at around 04.00PM whereupon i went out for a walk and enjoyed the sunshine for a while .. returnig i practiced a little bass guitar .. and again found myelf wondering why .. no passion it seemed .. and so i settld down to some reading .. excession is quite mad .. and yes the story is all coming together now .. 

it's now past  05.10PM and i am thirsty .. weak almost with the need for something fruit or something wet .. i might even say a pint .. and yet i know that that is something to be avoided with yoga on some minutes .. 

i seem to be only happy or confident when writing .. blogging .. and yet well .. at least i am well in myself .. spiritually and emotionally and mentally to a large degree .. well here is to some more meditation and something to drink .. 

thanks will come later .. but for now .. here is to good luck good fortune and to great overal health .. to all those who have jelped me in my time of need .. and to waking up to such a wonderful day ..to tai chi yoga to teachers Andrew Rose and to good neighbours good landlords to the internet to toys to phones to friends and hobbies to email to nintendo DS to laughter comedy music to love to tears to radio to tv to being sober  a non smoker to being single to help with living to rent paid to warm sunny days to fellow yogis to books to learning to swimming training etc to saunas to senses limbs to sleep to medicine to vitamins to the albemarle center to teeth and hair to good mental health great spirits to great physical wellbeing to skills learned . to the safety of all . 

Posted by ecomill at 6:15 PM BST

Updated: Wednesday, 18 March 2009 9:12 PM BST

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Mood:  hungry

so today has been on the whole good .. not too terrible .. even when i was fretting about my blood test .. and the day has worked out well .. so here goes in sequencial form .

woke at 07.00am up by 08.30AM lovely feeling .. and so shopping and breakfast .. whilst tai chi got me off to a good start .. an hour or so great .. basically i was back at my place by 11.15AM and feeling good .. yes i meditated and yes lunch was done. studies went ok . and afterwards i felt like i needed a swim . nice to meet Jen Asian friend and we talked computers etc .. and after 45 mins of laps well  the sauna went well . and i was out by 03.45PM .. ready . to go for a walk .. and yes i talked to Jane Dispera and i came home by 04.45 or so and did some guitar practice till tea time .. yes a nice piece of scale work today . A minor was a beauty .. also .. dinner was a complete success .. delicious .. 

and after well more nintendo DS and some sudoku .

now to feelings etc . today has worked out well .. yes i was anxious about blood tests etc .. however what infact occured .. was a great little conversation between the guys there and myself .. easy conversation .. fascinating .. the wonders of modern meds .. internet etc again . 

i have  begun to distill my activities somewhat these are simply these .. 1st work both voluntary and paid .. 2nd study .. css and html xhtml etc .with some sci fi reading . 3rd training .. swimming running yoga .. and finally practice .. bass guitar / photgraphy her

and so to the highs of today .. the weather ..sunny and warm . and seeing Jane with her dogs and cat . nice fellow Henry also .. 

lows .. worry over nothing .. still see Cheddon Lodge as part of Rydon House and all that went on there . 

now to thanks .. waking up good luck to good fortune to great mental health great physical health great spirits to breakfast sleeping in .. tai chi .. running to all those people who have and are helping me through these troubled times . to a monthly checkup . to sunny weather to a roof over my head to good landlords to good neighbours to toys to work to getting paid to travel to friends and hobbies to help with living to cognitive therapy to family to email to the internet to books to teachers Rose and Andrew to chance meetings to new friendships to music to laughter to tears to comedy to senses and limbs to lunch to dinner to shops to gardens to exercise to saunas to study online to medicine to vitamins to being sober a non smoker to being single to phones and meditation 

oh and the wonders of wisdom that are worth more than gold .. and yes if i can share that well they say wisom is better than money // here is to reiki .. 

Posted by ecomill at 7:46 PM BST

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