thanks .. to waking up . good luck .. good fortune . good health . mental spiritual and emotional .. physical .. food clothing shelter .electricity .. light .. holly . friends and family loved ones to good medicine to work workmates and being paid to hobbies to the internet to books to laughter tears music to comedy to good neighbours to good landlords to allotments to the rain to help with living to teachers to fellow students to books to the weekend to sleep to senses and limbs to hidden talents to teeth to hair to places like the albemarle center to foundation house to wellsprings to meditation to the salvation army building .. to staplegrove hall to swimming and tai chi yoga to toys and phones to shops to heating to people like Chris . to education to travel .. to librares to photography i love to take a photo. i love to look at photos i love to sing and listen to music and the rain to poems to film and radio to hell and heaven

i love my life i love art i love good meditation to tai chi to yoga i love holly i love my friends i love my family i love life i love my home i love my neighbourhood i love my country i love my town i love my neighbour i love feeling good i love medicine i love my teachers i love good food i love my flat i love a good book i love to laugh i love to paint i love .. taking photos i love looking at photos..

i am a photographer i am humble i am ok i am that i am an artist i am not ashamed as much as i might be i am just a guy .i am myself i am thankful .i am a bit of a gluton and i am a bit of an oaf to poor old holly .. i am a family man i am grateful i am a rogue like any other . painting to get what i want .. i am .. that i am

Posted by ecomill at 7:22 PM GMT

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today a day like any other.. maybe .. woke as i have done for many years .. wakled with friends .. even considered marriage .. worked some . sat alone .. let go some .. considered teh greatest of minds as if they were my own . laughed a little inwardly .. studied the nature of my childish nature .. sat and feared . what might be .. wondered at the knowledge of knowing .. perhaps of heresy . or profound wisdom .. surfed .. and let go .. knowing that there are days . kind or fearful .. poetic or base .. where i can lie to myself without impunity .. be myself without malice or outward common statures . lost in the crowding thoughts of my mind that appears to me to be still . watching talent .. come and go ..as one would watch a timer .. all done to the tone and law of an egg .. three minutes .. of hunger satisfied ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:14 PM GMT

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birth .. and being born .. are we to remind ourselves that this day .. many years ago .. i went through the birth canal . .. died to my old life and was introduced to the new ..

i wonder if it were more wise to record my conception . nine months previously .. when sperm met egg ..

today 47 years ago . i died .. from the womb .. the fluid . to a world of air .. and breathing

from swimming to a completely different world .. and one that made me ill straight from the start.. jaundice ..

and yet we celebrate .. this catastrophe .. same as a wake .. dying to this world of air etc to another .. mysterious one ..

i guess that . i arrived .. and needed . something to remind of the experience . fish oil . lots and lots of fish oil ..

like a sea creature given the chance to walk on earth .. needing however .. neptune and his potions ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:36 PM BST

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and so today .. went badly .. but picked up later ..

woke and went swimming . followed by tai chi .. all doing doing .. painted .. and had lunch ..

more photographs .. a little rest a little walk .. more photos .. and a walk to the gym ..

horror show .. found my voice inside .. the gung ho .. join up kind of guy .. met donna .. with this very voice . new to me i swear ..

and realised that i was in trouble big time ..

like now i guess .

had that double whammy .. gay and from a council estate ..

home very slowly ..

and now ..

thanks

waking up .. good luck .. good fortune .. great health mental physical and emotional .. spiritual and good food . clothing shelter holly .. friends like Donna .. laughter tears music and comedy . family and loved ones .. good neighoburs .. good landlords .. lighting and electricity to shops to senses and limbs work and workmates . David Topham . welcome back .. and so on .. hobbies and sleep .. to good medicine . swimming in the morning .. teachers and fellow yogis .. tai chi and yoga .. gyms and all that .. toys and the internet .. phones . and teeth .. books and stories .. games chess etc..

new hobbies .. acrylic painting ..

sleep and sunny weather .. allotments . folks like Pony ..

help with living .. my neighbourhood ..

education .and trusting in life . places like the albemarle center . staplegrove park and hall .. gymnasium at wellspring ... the salvation army arts class ..

half term .. holiday .. from yoga art class ..  fellow artists ..

films and the internet ..

blogging ..writing .. 

Posted by ecomill at 8:01 PM BST

Updated: Wednesday, 30 October 2013 8:24 PM BST

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what a day what a week .. what a time ..

change change .. swimming early .. art . acrylic painting and photography .. with a hefty dose of gym work . and yes .. sexual politics .. and work .. whatever that means .. council house living ..

so here is the routine ..

woke before 08.00 am .. headed for the pool .. . so far so good .. good to see familiar faces . Maria etc ..

and an hour of flow ..  nobody i knew though .. Polly in London seeing her family .. and so the day begins ..

oh lord .. breakfast .. and tai chi .. for an hour or so .. . oh god busy busy ..

and a thought .. painting .. in the darkness .. is no good .. looked at the flowers done last night .. poppies .. a bit of shock .. daylight is definetely a must .. re did the same flowers .. this time in the morning light .

and so without a doubt .. painting needs natural light ..

and yes pleased . a little .

more meditation .. and an afternoon ahead . lunch and later a new technique .. shooting from the waist .. got lucky .. shot a good batch . . drunks on the street .. interesting result . hazy and odd perspective matched the alcoholic state ..

and so with the luck .. home and a rest .. 40 minutes of lying down .. chilling .

and so .. to the scary bit ..

walked up to the allotment .. thought about a few shots ..

met Pony .. and .. home again where the trouble began .. ear stuff ..

mental health problems .. sickening . however once again . the camera was with me this time .. and a few great expressionist pictures .. bridge work .. i might be crazy . i might be psycho.. but those pics meant something ..

 . i considered a little sleep .. and then a visit to the gym ..

walked .. and got there .. with the same fears that i believed had gone for good ... horrible time at the gym .. oms oms .. mnn mentally looking down at those toes .. mnn horror .. however .. what was obvious .. sexual politics .. and work ..

actually found the 25 minutes of rowing .. about enough .. the cycling went nowhere .. and so with 30 minutes of light left . i decided to head home ..

said my good byes .. i heard the word work ..

and so with a heavy heart and a mind on the edge . i bumped into Donna ..

where upon opening of my mouth .. a different voice  a different person .. came out .. a different kind of me .. i yelped inwardly .. this guy whoever he was .. was a young buck .. one of those guys .. who hangs around in gyms or perhaps has just joined the army .. straight out of boot camp .. miltiary trained and just begging to go where the action is .. a hero .

and there it was . talking to Donna like i had never done .. thoughts of mental sanitation crossed my mind ..

however this was my voice .. that i had let out .. for the first time for perhaps a long time . or perhaps the first time ..

i walked on .. and met donna again .. who scared me with her reaction .. unclean .. the word unclean .. hit into me like rock ..

i walked on .. having seemingly improved my mental state ..

i walked on .. and played the game .. walking on ice .. being in a foreign land .. raised up to the sky by a precious metal ..

slowing down .. grounded ..

and so shopping .. meat and very little else

home and feeling better ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:14 PM BST

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first day of the rest of my life ..

ok so the photography is progressing well .. lots of photos .. and today a painting .. in acrylics ..

i don't know what to call it .. Windpower windy weather ..

i don't know ..

and so as the day is on it's way to visit our wonderful friends .. i feel alone and in trouble . and yet at the same time unafraid .

surrounded by poets .. and a desire to smile inside ..

so as a salute to the sun the day . this is a little teardrop ..

waking up . i felt better .. and wondered .. about the day .. my day .

i guess that tai chi is a great help . and yoga too .. allowiing me a gentle entry into the day ..

after lunch . around 01.20 pm . i headed out the door .. and with my camera . took to the streets ..

walking and walking ..recording what i could .. hiding from the rain ..

booked a place at a gymnasium ..

tomorrow at 12.30 pm ..

and so home .. and ascape .. played some chess .. talked to mum .. and rested i guess ..

more food and an evening to myself . and of course painting ..

in acrylic .. great.. fun

a little music and this blog .. of mine

i wonder .. if getting to be the best is what it is all about .. sometimes maybe .. and yet to paint for the sheer fun of it . to take a photo . for fun . to write for fun .. to swim

to practice tai chi yoga .. swimming .. all for fun . for one's own enjoyment ..

nothing more

and yes to thanks

to waking up this morning .. good luck good fortune ..great  health . mental spiritual and physical emotional . to friends to family to loved ones to work workmates to being paid to shops to Mind to the partnership to laughter tears music to comedy to toys to holly to books to hobbies to new things like painting to good neighbours to good landlords to food clothing shelter to electricity to heating to help with living to swimming to saunas to steam to limbs to senses to tai chi yoga to the internet to books and librares to sunny days to washing done to phones to all my teachers to fellow students to good medicine to

and i guess that is that ..

to the internet

and to end this day on a high note

i am so fortunate . life is not fair .. but it is good ..

today i made progress ..

can we see the pity in our own tenderness

that pithy nature that seeks the reality of those 

other words and nuances kissing another's heart

today i discovered my part in this your divine play

Posted by ecomill at 7:19 PM BST

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ok what a day .. and the beig question is . am i a young man . or just a a jung man .. well the answer could be interesting .. as to the use of fish oil . lots and lots of it ..

today is another milestone .. woke up feeling ok .. 10.00 am not too bad .. usual routine .. tai chi .. and meditation . plus yoga .. well in for a penny in for a pound ..

then . of course work . nothing bad there then ..

and yes unless i have been completely caught out ..

a swim .. well i was beginning to wonder what all the fuss was about ..

and after .. ok so the swim was a little unsettleing .. i guess after the last time i met up with S and J .. however ..

and then .. pow ..

went out with the camera . not a good idea .. met Jason C in the street .. and bingo .. complete mental wipeout .. the walk through the busy town was a nightmare .. can't describe it . bit like a total loss of inner and outer bounderies .. enough for me to recal another similar event many years ago .

yes this happens and sometimes it goes away and sometimes it stays .. well there it is .

funny though . on my way to the place i rather dislike . vivary park .. fish oil .. my saviour . i don't know ..

and so with my  camera i decided to create my own mental health recovery ..

taking pictures .. of anything just about ..

and with a general idea as to making it to my allotment ..

yes i took my photos .. and yes i made it to the allotment . where i stayed gardening till sunset ..

digging and pruning .. clearing the plot of dead plant material .. and cutting back the rather more energetic of my shrubs .

worked and worked . and finished till sunset ..

whereupon i decided to finalise a plan a taoist plan .

to walk on icy streams . .. imagining a foreign country . with foreign customs and strange ways ..

imagining the golden thread and travelling the way of the tao .. dark and lowly places

i considered Uraguay .. however i don't believe that was foreign enough as a young woman spoke of the Malvinas . as i passed .. perhaps someplace somewhere even more foreign .. somewhere eastern . but alas .. this only reminded me of the Russians ..

no somewhere completely way out .. where the customs are unknown to me ..

someplace far away and maybe so strange that my brain could not imagine it or even comprehend it . customs and language .. appearance ..

still walking on ice i went early evening shopping ..

where i was reminded of those promotions .. doubting every minute of it .. doubting everything .. that i saw heard and imagined .. and eventually

doubting my own insanity ..

stupid girl .

singing in shops . i don't know ..

brought back some food .. and yes wondered at the advice from my doctor . to eat pork or not .. well i have been however not whilst going in anyway potty .. so is one to eat .. or not . whilst potty .. or not . however the fruit went down well .. and i was pleased to know that eating anykind of meat is something aweful to behold

contacted Anton .. and once more retired to the writing table .. cat Holly on lap .. wondering whether to ring Mum or somebody ..

oh and don't forget .. not only was i bombarded with psychic stuff . people's eyes turned blue . like saucers . weird ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:15 PM BST

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an interesting day . feeling more over the hill than usual . thanks to the guardian .. online

woke late and banked on that being a major step forward on the road to better welfare ..

and so the day . has been a simple one . i prefer it that way these days .

yes there was the meditation and the yoga tai chi . taking me to lunch . rain so non outdoor photogrpahy today . cleaned the flat . hoovered .. and washing done finally ..

big day hair cut . that was rather over the top when it came to actively lstening . cats etc . and thus needed a swim to calm down .

an hour swim and a sauna . Malcom Kim etc .

home and something to eat .. reading the paper . Vienna the missing link ..

and more food shopping .

tonight .. the last final episode of war and peace . having learned the lesson of life . from Pierre

live it every bit .. pain and suffering also .. good times bad times . all of it . not just the niceties ..

thanks to waking up . good luck good fortune great health mental physical spiritual and emotional . laughter tears music to comedy to friends family loved ones to holly to tai chi yoga to swimming to sauna to steam to washing done haircuts to a clean home . to the internet to food clothing shelter ..for everyone to teeth to hair to good neighbours to good landlords to workmates to work to being paid to hobbies to toys to phones to money in the bank to shops to the weekend to books to librares to film to radio to the papers to clean sheets to sense and limbs to the internet to good medicine to feeling good to email to hugs and kisses to god and religion to sleep and rest to Mind to the partnership to teachers to places like the albemarle center to staplegrove to help with living to

i love photos and art i love myself warts and all i love people i love my hobbies nd work i love my family and friends i love life i love to laugh i love to cry i love to observe i love to read to good books i love the internet i love yoga and tai chi and my teachers i love good food and drink i love my neighbour i love good medicine i love

i am healthy i am strong i am safe all is well in my world i am a warriror hero i am a yogi i am a tai chi practitioner i am happy awake i am content i am smart i am inteligent i am well educated i am that i am i am my own best council i am grateful i am humble i am an animal lover i am an athlete i am ok . i am a family man i am a good neighbour i am a lover i am a good friend i am a photographer i am an artist i am that i am .. i am awake i am a funny guy i am a reader an observer i am independent i am a hard worker i am resting i am

Posted by ecomill at 7:35 PM BST

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time to give thanks

waking up .. good luck good fortune .. great health  mental physical spiritual and emotional .. food clothing shelter light and electricity to friends and family to loved ones to good neighours good landlords to holly to workmates to work to being paid to mind to teh partnership to tai chi yoga to swimming to saunas etc to steam to hobbies to shops to teachers to the albemarle center to staplegrove hall to the park also to prayer and meditation to laughter tears comedy to music to film to drama to the internet to washing done to classes to books to librares to teeth to hair to hugs and kisses to god and religion to sense and limbs to education to the kindness of others to sleep and rest to kundalini to toys to phones to good medicine to art to the brewhouse to photos to

i am a photographer i am safe i am strong i am healthy i am happy and contented i am humble and grateful i am that i am all is well in my world i am a good friend i am a good neighbour i am inteligent i am a yogi i am a tai ch practitioner i am an athlete i am an artist i am lucky i am on the mend and making progress i am an animal lover i am a lover i am secure in myself i am a comic i am a funny guy i am a mystic i am a mediative i am a hard worker i am a family man i am patient i am sober a non smoker i am awake . i am young at heart i am that

i love life i love myself warts and all i love holly i love my family and friends i love photos and photography i love my neighbour i love people and the outdoors i love feeling good i love good medicine i love living in the now i love good food sleep and rest i love good books and a film or two . i love yoga n tai chi swimming saunas and steam i love feeling good i love a challenge i love a laugh i love being happy i love music i love art i love learning new things i love

Posted by ecomill at 9:06 PM BST

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a strange thing happened on the way to the forum .. mnn well . i guess that after a yoga class anything can happen . as far as ones senses are concerned ..

i guess it was like the times when going to the shop after a lesson made me feel quite strange . strong light . and odd ambience .. well this time it was the music . yes i doubted my own senses .. and rightly because the sound that i was percieving was just noise .. white noise .. that at first was annoying then perplexing then a little worrying .. well after a little pause for thought and recollection .. it has just this moment struck me .. kundalini of course . i knew that i was a little high .. and yet afterwards .. i felt no low . non come down .

rang mum . and was told to recieve a call another time .. emailed Andrew and Hamdy . and

yes the sound of hissing .. no music none of that banal rubbish that they play . although i searched in my mind my senses . only a white hissing that may or may not have come from something other .. a snake would have described it perfectly . as snakes are pretty high up on my "to be feared list"

however the experience passed and that was that ..

the day has been productive .. simple and easy .

waking up . late.. meditation .. and tai chi .. then lunch ..

an afternoon of photography . out to the staplegrove fields . taking photos of lightning trees .. glad that the rain held off .. and i guess the highlight being a deer .. so clase i could hear it's hooved beat against the ground . solid and powerful .. wonderful to see and experience .

more photos ..and home ..

a swim and sauna .. heading me towards yoga .. and a class ..

where i once more showed my wares .. photos .. and black grapes

i guess that these few example of my talent went down well . no offers of money however ..

and so onto the late night shop

hissing sid .. already explained and home to have a bite to eat . lamb and potatos .. fruit and alpro soya desert ..

one thing before i go ..

lamb is a tasty meat . and i guess after a week of bottle feeding one particular little one .. my heart is in the right place i believe ..

however my guilt may only be the thing holds me from progress ..

and so onto another topic .. it has been 10 years now .. as a non smoker .. 10 years of yoga . 9 years of swimming .. 6 years of tai chi lessons . and years of reiki .

and so my thoughts turned to my heart .. i guess that i am still detoxifying my body .. i can sometimes smell that mix of smoke and alcohol . rank .. and yet perhaps our perception of what India has to offer spiritually may be seen through rose tinted glasses ..

i guess that that may be the trap that Krishnamurti speaks of . i don't know .. however i am a different person to the one who stood here on earth 10 years ago .. and one completely changed from that whom stod here on earth over 21 years ago ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:21 PM BST

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