and finally a day after the big one .. boxing day where once again the universe conspires to give me a few mixed messages . yes i got lucky a few great shots .. well five to be accurate .. and the flip side cos there is always a flip side in this my life .. a horrible sense of going crazy .. it i have discovered goes like this .. in order to fill the chasm or vacuum in my life . i have somehow began to return to my alphabet .. george had it also .. good company . he would say something that he was unconcious of ..

his word was what .. mine is similar . a letter.. Andrew B my great teacher has a way to also .. bud .. we seem to all have an unconsious way of saying something that acts like glue creating thought or the lack of it .

and on..

today is probably no more horrendous than any other .. however i find this feeling of frustration very disagreeable indeed ..

but there are some interesting points .. a great deal of people die .. apparantly .. some of a heart attack . some of cancer .. etc

however going nuts is not so terminal as i once thought or believed unless of course that the stats are a lie .. very indirect . perhaps ..

and so onto the next step ..

a brief look at the day

woke up .. can't recall when .. around 09.30 am .. with a great desire to create ..

up and meditation .. Oms etc .. until the desire to practice some tai chi got the better of me .

this i did for a long time .. both from DVD and some from the internet ..

lunch .. and an afternoon out .. taking photos .. from .. around 01.00 pm til around mid afternoon ..

home and a little time kissing frogs .. till i found my five shots ..

and i guess that was that ..

plenty of time spend out in the fresh air .. walking miles . floating like a butterfly .. stinging like a bee ..

home and photoshop.. thinking of a way to avoid the clutches of the DSS.. doing a degree or something ..

the rest of the day went ok .. at least until around mid evening . about 06.00 pm .. when my mind began to speak to itself . rolling little snow ball like thoughts that tend to gather no moss

but like titles they tend to add color to the spirit .

 and so now . it is 08.30 pm .. and after getting a little bored.. mental anguish allows for boredom .. i can move one

thanks to

family .. my lord family .. a great asset . a great  and wonderful institution .. i do actually like and love my family .. to waking up this morning .. cos without that .. nothing is possible ..

good luck .. getting lucky with those photos .. good fortune . money in the bank .. big time . rich mum .. knowing my talent . good health .. mental and spiritual . emotional and physical . laughter tears music and comedy .. to food clothing shelter . light and electricity . to work to the holidays to sleep to being paid to mind to the partnership to workmates like Ray and all .. to hobbies to good medicine to holly to friends and loved ones . to telephones to a great neighbourhood to good landlords and good neighbours to rent paid to shops to limbs and senses to a fine intelligence to toys and to furniture to gifts given and gifts recieved to socks to the allotment to fine weather to dry weather to teeth and hair to feeling good to the library to books to stories to yoga and tai chi . to walks in the sunshine to swimming to saunas to steam to meditation to film to radio to the internet to all those good people in my life to being a student and a great education to fellow students to my teachers to help with living to places like the stapelgrove hall to the albemarle center to teh salvation army to art to designs to sculpture to travel to

i am a great photographer i am a lover i am a family man i am a tai chi practitioner i am a yogi i am a student i am awake i am ok i am that i am an artist i am

Posted by ecomill at 8:11 PM GMT

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another week gone . much done..

one question before i give thanks..

looking out at the world .. much to see . much that is great indeed .. like a great treasure held inside a giant hay bale ..

highlights of the week ..were also the low point . travel to see the horses .

low point .. just now .. watching a movie that i thought might harm my grip on life .. so great a movie . i thought that i might lose my mind ..

and so my photos are done .. and a little painting .. blending .. that is the key for the next few weeks .. and i guess it is smoke and mirrors ..

blending ..

and so to today ..

waking early .. just after 07.00 am .. and a swim soon after .. at 08.15 am ..

45 mins of great joy ..

and home .. to more tai chi .. . 09.00 am .. tai chi . shopping and some sleep . meditation .. till around 12.30 pm ..

some awful fun . with paint . and an afternoon with Chris G ..

got me thinking of community ..

an evening of film and more photos .. Run Lola Run ..

and so to the things that i could improve on ..

question .. sleep . enough or too much ..

question .. time in town .. time for a coffee .

question .. more painting ? more photographing ? less ?

things that i did well

finally got out of Taunton .. lovely views . immense landscape .. great swathes of umber .. etc

still getting ill .. however the meditation is a great help .

perhaps that is it . more rest !!

cleaned the flat . a little less clutter ..

could be more open with my landlord

good friends are hard to find

 still no sex

thanks to waking up .. still breathing .. still alive .. after all that i have been thru good luck good fortune great health mental spiritual physical and emotional . the weekend . to good neighbours good landlords rent paid friends and family loved ones .. teachers and fellow students to shops to work workmates to being paid to hobbies to toys to phones to money in the bank to tai chi yoga to swimming to saunas to steam to st james pool to staplegrove hall to laughter to tears music to comedy to light to shelter clothing and food .. to holly to good medicine to community to my neighbourhood to sleep and mediitation to the internet to film and radio to gifts from friends to books to librares to sense and limbs to help with living to the albemarle center to lessons to art to

i am an artist i am a photographer i am awake i am a family man i am young at heart i am an activist i am an animal lover i am a good neighbour i am lucky i am fortunate i am happy i am ok .. i am a comedian i am strong i am healthy i am a warrior i am a yogi i am a martial arts practitioner i am a sportsman i am an athlete all is well in my world i am alive i am a good person i can face whatever life throws at me because i have to . i am a blogger i am web savvy i am computer literate i am that i am making improvements in my life i am

i love life i love people i love life i love photos i love photography i love art of all kinds i love holly i love my friends family and fellow students i love good food i love to travel i love this time of year i love swimming and tai chi yoga i love my teachers i love to laugh i love the internet i love to learn i love to paint i love myself as best i can

Posted by ecomill at 8:34 PM GMT

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OK so lets say that this is a blog concerning my photos .. my painting .. my yoga tai chi and swimming

once you know what you want to do .. and who to appraoch this passion in a truly holistic way . life does get a little easier .. so as chomsky wrote ...

firstly .. photography .. then art .. appreciation and painting ..

i guess that my strong interest in photography has always been with me . i recal reading nothing but sci fi novels and National Geographics ..

this was my primer course .. i did not touch a camera for a very long time however

played a little with a polaroid when i was 16 17 years old ..

but again did not take any photos until i was in my early 20 s ..

a little like not seeing what was on the end of my nose .. and my saying . it's obvious . well what can i say

and so onto my love of art .. nothing much until my early 20s and 30 s .. however better late than never

and once you have been bitten .. that is it ..

the yoga tai chi and swimming has grounded my designs .. i can function only in my opinion thanks to these techniques ..

and of course the meditation helps .. with large doses of the internet for a window on the world

if these integrated activites all add up to a better healthier me then so be it ..

thanks to

waking up this morning .. good luck good fortune .. great health . mental physical spiritual and emotional .. food clothing shelter light and heating .. laughter tears music and comedy .. friends and family to tai chi yoga art and hobbies work and workmates to being paid to the internet to toys and phones to rent paid to good neighbours to great landlords all those who have my best interests at heart .

teachers and holly .. all my talents to shops to help with living to teh buddha to the allotment to gifts and books and librares to good medicine to help with learning to sense and limbs to the weekend to being single and young at heart to fresh water to good vets to all my savings and investments to swimming and st james pool . to the gym to staplegrove hall to Min and her hospitality to the radio . to film .. audio books to

i am ok i am an artist i am a photographer i am a gardener i am a family man i am making a full and complete recovery i am grateful i am humble i am happy i am strong i am a warrior i am a yogi i am a martial artist i am that i am i am a blogger i am a hard worker i am honest i am single i am a pet owner i am a pupil i am a learner .

i am a comedian i am a tenant i am a reader and an observer i am an athlete i am a good person i am kind i am human

i am no longer afraid of making mistakes .. i am awake

i love life i love myself more these days . i love the internet i love music i love film i love holly and my family i love my friends i love feeling good i love my flat i love my neighbourhood i love my town and country i love my allotment i love good medicine i love my teachers and fellow pupils i love to laugh i love photos i love my hobbies and work i love my neighbour i love being ok

i love people i love good medicine . i love being regular .. good food and drink .. i love dancing ..

photography

art and art appreciation

tai chi yoga and swimming

allotment and the internet

home and family, friends

Posted by ecomill at 6:18 PM GMT

Updated: Friday, 15 November 2013 8:13 PM GMT

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thanks .. to waking up . good luck .. good fortune . good health . mental spiritual and emotional .. physical .. food clothing shelter .electricity .. light .. holly . friends and family loved ones to good medicine to work workmates and being paid to hobbies to the internet to books to laughter tears music to comedy to good neighbours to good landlords to allotments to the rain to help with living to teachers to fellow students to books to the weekend to sleep to senses and limbs to hidden talents to teeth to hair to places like the albemarle center to foundation house to wellsprings to meditation to the salvation army building .. to staplegrove hall to swimming and tai chi yoga to toys and phones to shops to heating to people like Chris . to education to travel .. to librares to photography i love to take a photo. i love to look at photos i love to sing and listen to music and the rain to poems to film and radio to hell and heaven

i love my life i love art i love good meditation to tai chi to yoga i love holly i love my friends i love my family i love life i love my home i love my neighbourhood i love my country i love my town i love my neighbour i love feeling good i love medicine i love my teachers i love good food i love my flat i love a good book i love to laugh i love to paint i love .. taking photos i love looking at photos..

i am a photographer i am humble i am ok i am that i am an artist i am not ashamed as much as i might be i am just a guy .i am myself i am thankful .i am a bit of a gluton and i am a bit of an oaf to poor old holly .. i am a family man i am grateful i am a rogue like any other . painting to get what i want .. i am .. that i am

Posted by ecomill at 7:22 PM GMT

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today a day like any other.. maybe .. woke as i have done for many years .. wakled with friends .. even considered marriage .. worked some . sat alone .. let go some .. considered teh greatest of minds as if they were my own . laughed a little inwardly .. studied the nature of my childish nature .. sat and feared . what might be .. wondered at the knowledge of knowing .. perhaps of heresy . or profound wisdom .. surfed .. and let go .. knowing that there are days . kind or fearful .. poetic or base .. where i can lie to myself without impunity .. be myself without malice or outward common statures . lost in the crowding thoughts of my mind that appears to me to be still . watching talent .. come and go ..as one would watch a timer .. all done to the tone and law of an egg .. three minutes .. of hunger satisfied ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:14 PM GMT

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birth .. and being born .. are we to remind ourselves that this day .. many years ago .. i went through the birth canal . .. died to my old life and was introduced to the new ..

i wonder if it were more wise to record my conception . nine months previously .. when sperm met egg ..

today 47 years ago . i died .. from the womb .. the fluid . to a world of air .. and breathing

from swimming to a completely different world .. and one that made me ill straight from the start.. jaundice ..

and yet we celebrate .. this catastrophe .. same as a wake .. dying to this world of air etc to another .. mysterious one ..

i guess that . i arrived .. and needed . something to remind of the experience . fish oil . lots and lots of fish oil ..

like a sea creature given the chance to walk on earth .. needing however .. neptune and his potions ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:36 PM BST

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and so today .. went badly .. but picked up later ..

woke and went swimming . followed by tai chi .. all doing doing .. painted .. and had lunch ..

more photographs .. a little rest a little walk .. more photos .. and a walk to the gym ..

horror show .. found my voice inside .. the gung ho .. join up kind of guy .. met donna .. with this very voice . new to me i swear ..

and realised that i was in trouble big time ..

like now i guess .

had that double whammy .. gay and from a council estate ..

home very slowly ..

and now ..

thanks

waking up .. good luck .. good fortune .. great health mental physical and emotional .. spiritual and good food . clothing shelter holly .. friends like Donna .. laughter tears music and comedy . family and loved ones .. good neighoburs .. good landlords .. lighting and electricity to shops to senses and limbs work and workmates . David Topham . welcome back .. and so on .. hobbies and sleep .. to good medicine . swimming in the morning .. teachers and fellow yogis .. tai chi and yoga .. gyms and all that .. toys and the internet .. phones . and teeth .. books and stories .. games chess etc..

new hobbies .. acrylic painting ..

sleep and sunny weather .. allotments . folks like Pony ..

help with living .. my neighbourhood ..

education .and trusting in life . places like the albemarle center . staplegrove park and hall .. gymnasium at wellspring ... the salvation army arts class ..

half term .. holiday .. from yoga art class ..  fellow artists ..

films and the internet ..

blogging ..writing .. 

Posted by ecomill at 8:01 PM BST

Updated: Wednesday, 30 October 2013 8:24 PM BST

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what a day what a week .. what a time ..

change change .. swimming early .. art . acrylic painting and photography .. with a hefty dose of gym work . and yes .. sexual politics .. and work .. whatever that means .. council house living ..

so here is the routine ..

woke before 08.00 am .. headed for the pool .. . so far so good .. good to see familiar faces . Maria etc ..

and an hour of flow ..  nobody i knew though .. Polly in London seeing her family .. and so the day begins ..

oh lord .. breakfast .. and tai chi .. for an hour or so .. . oh god busy busy ..

and a thought .. painting .. in the darkness .. is no good .. looked at the flowers done last night .. poppies .. a bit of shock .. daylight is definetely a must .. re did the same flowers .. this time in the morning light .

and so without a doubt .. painting needs natural light ..

and yes pleased . a little .

more meditation .. and an afternoon ahead . lunch and later a new technique .. shooting from the waist .. got lucky .. shot a good batch . . drunks on the street .. interesting result . hazy and odd perspective matched the alcoholic state ..

and so with the luck .. home and a rest .. 40 minutes of lying down .. chilling .

and so .. to the scary bit ..

walked up to the allotment .. thought about a few shots ..

met Pony .. and .. home again where the trouble began .. ear stuff ..

mental health problems .. sickening . however once again . the camera was with me this time .. and a few great expressionist pictures .. bridge work .. i might be crazy . i might be psycho.. but those pics meant something ..

 . i considered a little sleep .. and then a visit to the gym ..

walked .. and got there .. with the same fears that i believed had gone for good ... horrible time at the gym .. oms oms .. mnn mentally looking down at those toes .. mnn horror .. however .. what was obvious .. sexual politics .. and work ..

actually found the 25 minutes of rowing .. about enough .. the cycling went nowhere .. and so with 30 minutes of light left . i decided to head home ..

said my good byes .. i heard the word work ..

and so with a heavy heart and a mind on the edge . i bumped into Donna ..

where upon opening of my mouth .. a different voice  a different person .. came out .. a different kind of me .. i yelped inwardly .. this guy whoever he was .. was a young buck .. one of those guys .. who hangs around in gyms or perhaps has just joined the army .. straight out of boot camp .. miltiary trained and just begging to go where the action is .. a hero .

and there it was . talking to Donna like i had never done .. thoughts of mental sanitation crossed my mind ..

however this was my voice .. that i had let out .. for the first time for perhaps a long time . or perhaps the first time ..

i walked on .. and met donna again .. who scared me with her reaction .. unclean .. the word unclean .. hit into me like rock ..

i walked on .. having seemingly improved my mental state ..

i walked on .. and played the game .. walking on ice .. being in a foreign land .. raised up to the sky by a precious metal ..

slowing down .. grounded ..

and so shopping .. meat and very little else

home and feeling better ..

Posted by ecomill at 7:14 PM BST

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first day of the rest of my life ..

ok so the photography is progressing well .. lots of photos .. and today a painting .. in acrylics ..

i don't know what to call it .. Windpower windy weather ..

i don't know ..

and so as the day is on it's way to visit our wonderful friends .. i feel alone and in trouble . and yet at the same time unafraid .

surrounded by poets .. and a desire to smile inside ..

so as a salute to the sun the day . this is a little teardrop ..

waking up . i felt better .. and wondered .. about the day .. my day .

i guess that tai chi is a great help . and yoga too .. allowiing me a gentle entry into the day ..

after lunch . around 01.20 pm . i headed out the door .. and with my camera . took to the streets ..

walking and walking ..recording what i could .. hiding from the rain ..

booked a place at a gymnasium ..

tomorrow at 12.30 pm ..

and so home .. and ascape .. played some chess .. talked to mum .. and rested i guess ..

more food and an evening to myself . and of course painting ..

in acrylic .. great.. fun

a little music and this blog .. of mine

i wonder .. if getting to be the best is what it is all about .. sometimes maybe .. and yet to paint for the sheer fun of it . to take a photo . for fun . to write for fun .. to swim

to practice tai chi yoga .. swimming .. all for fun . for one's own enjoyment ..

nothing more

and yes to thanks

to waking up this morning .. good luck good fortune ..great  health . mental spiritual and physical emotional . to friends to family to loved ones to work workmates to being paid to shops to Mind to the partnership to laughter tears music to comedy to toys to holly to books to hobbies to new things like painting to good neighbours to good landlords to food clothing shelter to electricity to heating to help with living to swimming to saunas to steam to limbs to senses to tai chi yoga to the internet to books and librares to sunny days to washing done to phones to all my teachers to fellow students to good medicine to

and i guess that is that ..

to the internet

and to end this day on a high note

i am so fortunate . life is not fair .. but it is good ..

today i made progress ..

can we see the pity in our own tenderness

that pithy nature that seeks the reality of those 

other words and nuances kissing another's heart

today i discovered my part in this your divine play

Posted by ecomill at 7:19 PM BST

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ok what a day .. and the beig question is . am i a young man . or just a a jung man .. well the answer could be interesting .. as to the use of fish oil . lots and lots of it ..

today is another milestone .. woke up feeling ok .. 10.00 am not too bad .. usual routine .. tai chi .. and meditation . plus yoga .. well in for a penny in for a pound ..

then . of course work . nothing bad there then ..

and yes unless i have been completely caught out ..

a swim .. well i was beginning to wonder what all the fuss was about ..

and after .. ok so the swim was a little unsettleing .. i guess after the last time i met up with S and J .. however ..

and then .. pow ..

went out with the camera . not a good idea .. met Jason C in the street .. and bingo .. complete mental wipeout .. the walk through the busy town was a nightmare .. can't describe it . bit like a total loss of inner and outer bounderies .. enough for me to recal another similar event many years ago .

yes this happens and sometimes it goes away and sometimes it stays .. well there it is .

funny though . on my way to the place i rather dislike . vivary park .. fish oil .. my saviour . i don't know ..

and so with my  camera i decided to create my own mental health recovery ..

taking pictures .. of anything just about ..

and with a general idea as to making it to my allotment ..

yes i took my photos .. and yes i made it to the allotment . where i stayed gardening till sunset ..

digging and pruning .. clearing the plot of dead plant material .. and cutting back the rather more energetic of my shrubs .

worked and worked . and finished till sunset ..

whereupon i decided to finalise a plan a taoist plan .

to walk on icy streams . .. imagining a foreign country . with foreign customs and strange ways ..

imagining the golden thread and travelling the way of the tao .. dark and lowly places

i considered Uraguay .. however i don't believe that was foreign enough as a young woman spoke of the Malvinas . as i passed .. perhaps someplace somewhere even more foreign .. somewhere eastern . but alas .. this only reminded me of the Russians ..

no somewhere completely way out .. where the customs are unknown to me ..

someplace far away and maybe so strange that my brain could not imagine it or even comprehend it . customs and language .. appearance ..

still walking on ice i went early evening shopping ..

where i was reminded of those promotions .. doubting every minute of it .. doubting everything .. that i saw heard and imagined .. and eventually

doubting my own insanity ..

stupid girl .

singing in shops . i don't know ..

brought back some food .. and yes wondered at the advice from my doctor . to eat pork or not .. well i have been however not whilst going in anyway potty .. so is one to eat .. or not . whilst potty .. or not . however the fruit went down well .. and i was pleased to know that eating anykind of meat is something aweful to behold

contacted Anton .. and once more retired to the writing table .. cat Holly on lap .. wondering whether to ring Mum or somebody ..

oh and don't forget .. not only was i bombarded with psychic stuff . people's eyes turned blue . like saucers . weird ..

Posted by ecomill at 8:15 PM BST

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